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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - STAYING FOCUSED AT WORK


I'm getting really bored at work, man. Its getting to the point where I'm NOT getting stoned every morning just to see how fun it might be to not get high. I've tried everything: hydrocodone, Cheetos, yerba mate, mate latte (creative, full of hope, totally grodes), cocaine, dirty sex texts, flossing (oh yes, bleeeeed incisors! blood spouting satisfaction!), prank-calling that one weird guy, espresso in all its magical milky theories, S&M fantasies involving a hooded magic sex demon who spanks me with oiled collard green leaves from our German summer picnic basket, Pepsi, Doritos, binge eating, anorexia, plucking, polishing, picking, kegels whilst praying, fighting back the salty silly tears of intense depression, squats, lunges, harassing co-workers with rude questions about shitting and fingering, masturbating in the bathroom (to no avail, damn you inner guilt voice that sounds just like psychic clairvoyant Sylvia Brown), pooping whilst texting (adds ten minutes to your escape AND Sylvia Brown's inner voice does cooperate here), hmmm…

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BUT I haven't tried a BUTT PLUG.

The butt plug reviews that I have read online seem to covincingly suggest that this is just what I need to snap my ne'er do well ass in shape. I think having a butt plug in my "Sylvia Brown" might really make me the model employee. I might really focus and remain alert. I mean, there's a silicon foreign object in my dookie hole, I'm not stupit! What else am I going to do but sustain awakened adrenaline attention? Something going inward when its supposed to go outward will alarm my body into hyper focused detailed robotic work. Plus, I found the CUUUtest foxtail butt plug! There are peacock, pig, and general "derriere de plumes" of all sorts.

The foxtail is magically hot though. Totally beautiful. I can't imagine a better union of fashion and function. I imagine the first mink stole wrapped against the arms of Elizabeth Taylor would have felt the same luxury as THIS wagging from my pooper. Get it grrrl. Pretend you got the rabies and get to work!

ADRIANE SCHRAMM