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Vice Blog

FASHION ISSUE EXTRA - A COLLECTION DISTILLED: T-SHIRTS

You see today's story about that guy who's obsessed with brogues? Well I am obsessed with my t-shirts. I'm not a total connoisseur like  Fred the Shoe but we all start somewhere. So now I'm going to show you some highlights from my collection. Ready? Let's go…

La Llorona is Spanish for "the weeping woman" and she is a fucking legend. There are tons of variations on the story depending on what country you're in, but essentially she was a beautiful woman who killed her children to be with the man she loved. But like an asshole, he leaves her, so she kills herself and is now left to wander the streets, weeping constantly for her lost children. In Chile La Llorona is a racist who rapes peasants; in Guatemala she has long nails and will scratch your eyes out; in Mexico she's a party animal. And in some tales you can only see La Llorona if you rub dog's tears on your own eyes. Or you can just get the t-shirt with her ugly face on it.

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The only club I'd ever belong to is the one where you lounge on a hammock in neon colors and then party all night. Heidi Fleiss deserves this shirt but I would never, ever let her borrow it because it'd come back smelling like a thousand year old jizz bank and plus I am selfish.

My life was complete when this t-shirt entered it. Fits perfect (big and loose) and is worn in as shit. You cannot do wrong with a huge multicolored marijuana leaf and the words "SAFER THAN ASPRIN" printed above it in all over psychedelic colors. I wear it everywhere, even though my parents give me disapproving looks and the family I used to nanny for totally had the "what the fuck…" face each time they saw it.

Skank in front of an 18-wheeler and it says "BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE." What more must I type?

ELLIS JONES