Up until recently, any thoughts I ever had about what goes on in porn behind the scenes were limited to imagining porn stars fucking boom guys (those boom guys being me) and the whole thing turned into a sexy downward spiral before I could ever really consider it properly. I guess I just had this idea that the people who wrote porn were either the porn stars themselves ad libbing, Hollywood agent-cokehead types, or pathetic men with pony tails ejaculating their fantasies onto a scribbly page while crying and masturbating and then mailing their gluey pages off to the internet. That was the one I would have put money on if it had come down to it. But I talked to a guy recently who writes for one of the most popular online porn sites, and it turns out that Chris Hogan is a pretty normal guy. He writes the scripts in Montreal and then they're produced in L.A. and Las Vegas. Chris is responsible for such titles as Brilliant Con-cock-tion, Big Butt Massage, Pussy to Mouth Resuscitation, Suburban Discipline, You Better Not Fuck My Slutty Daughter, and has written porn parodies of Weird Science and Ghost Busters (Porn Science and Butt Busters, respectively). He also sometimes writes jingles.So, writing for porn. Is that just 30 pages of "Ooooh ooooh yeah" and "Fuck me with that big cock"?We don't write that in there. Every scene we write has to be solid. We actually write as if we were writing for a sitcom.How long does it take you to write a scene?I usually write a script a day. In 2008, I wrote 145 scripts.That's a lot of sexy writing. Did you make them all?Every single one got shot.How's the money?Maybe not as much as people think. 35,000 a year.Have you ever been bummed out because you wrote a script that you were really proud of and it got destroyed by member ratings?Yeah, I wrote a clown script. Members went nuts. They can respond in the forum on our site, and they were all like "What the fuck is this? You got clowns on here? Get this off, I'm going to cancel my membership!"That's a shame.Basically clowns aren't popular. My manager liked it but he ended up saying "I think we are going to pass on clowns next time".Have you ever been really proud of a script that you've written and then it goes into production and you've been disappointed because the actress didn't really grasp the character or the director didn't get it?I think it happens 80% of the time, and it doesn't just happen to me, it happens to all the writers. If a scene doesn't go well, we try to make up for it in the trailer, because the trailer sells the scene.Right. So tell me more about the jingles you write.We have a recording booth in our office and I'll go in there to write the jingles, listen to the lyrics of a popular commercial, pornify it then belt it out and sing it. I wrote one called Big Butt Dives. We just took the early 90s commerical for Slip n' Slide: "You run, you dive, hit the bump and take a slide" I wrote "Hit the butt". I wrote one for Twister, a porn version of the 90s game "Twister…with hot sluts!" .That sounds pretty catchy. Is there much interaction between you guys and the cast and crew?We have to talk to the crew because things can go wrong, or sometimes they don't understand the script or the concept. We never talk to porn stars.So it's not bangbus?No. Porn stars are like rock stars. They need guys like us because if we partied like porn stars do, nothing would get done.Porn stars would get done. Pow! Sorry.If you visited our office with all the screens off, you would never guess that it's a porn company. There are no posters on the wall, we are just regular guys.EVAN MILLAR
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