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Tidbits

If you're going to release a board game you might as well spend more than ten minutes putting it together. The squares on this game say things like "Someone insults you-miss a turn."
December 1, 2006, 12:00am

DRINKING BOARD GAME

If you’re going to release a board game you might as well spend more than ten minutes putting it together. The squares on this game say things like “Someone insults you—miss a turn” and “Put a lampshade on your head and dance around.” After playing it for two hours we realized we were actually

losing

our buzz, which led to us throwing the game at the wall, laughing, and then getting so hammered Sarah barfed. So, it works!

Thanks Max Groth from New York

MINI TOOTSIE ROLL POPS

“Dear

Vice

,

I don’t care if these get into the mag or not but they are really delicious. I keep a bowl of them on my desk at work. They’re nice because you don’t have to waste too much time getting to the center.

Sincerely,

ALLY DAVEY

Toronto, ON”

ROCKIN’ VEGGIES

In the same way

pimpin’

has come to mean “any person or thing that is in particularly good condition or at least looks like it is,”

rocking

has come to mean “fun and good and not to be frowned upon.” This is because kids are fucking idiots.

Thanks Nancy Lopez from Wilmington, CA

BLACK CUNT

This is an Australian jam that the factory occasionally, accidentally “

Mad

fold-ins” into a woman’s vagina if she freezes to death, which is not appetizing at all.

ASIAN COLOGNE DEODORANT

Though Asians rarely stink, American companies have duped them into buying deodorant “body spray” by pushing the macho thing way further than Axe would ever dare. Apparently they are even dumber than kids.

VICTORIAN HOMEBOY

Eeeew. What is this thing? It’s middle-American hokey granny art combined with a weirdly offensive idea of what black culture is and every part of it makes you cringe like someone’s shining a flashlight in your face in the middle of the night.

PS: Look at his little boots (pronounced “bewts”).

CLONE-A-PUSSY

We put the dick version of this in the Tidbits a while ago and it seemed to make sense because a good dick is hard to find, so if your guy goes away on business for two weeks you want to simulate his greatness (or at least that’s what we’d like to think). But are pussies that special? I mean, the size of the hole matters, but all this clone thing can do is simulate the labia on the outside. Who’s into their girlfriend’s labia? And why is so much of

Vice

’s “Monthly Look at the Things We Love” things we think are gay?

MOMUS DOLL

We tried to get fucked-up with this doll and go gallivanting all over New York screaming at people and getting in fights and fingering prostitutes, but it said, “I’d much rather stay here with the other toys and listen to Takako Minekawa if you don’t mind.” Then it closed its eye and went to sleep. WTF?

DESIRE

Oh Lord Jesus Christ in heaven above. Desire is a mono-named mulatto who sent us his debut double CD along with a three-page bio that breaks down his life into: Desire as a boy, Desire as a young man, and Desire as the artist you know and love today. Apparently he was abused as a child and then became homeless and then lived in a guy’s garage until things got so bad the only way he could make money was to invest in films (seriously, that’s what it says). Taking a speed-reading course didn’t help things. It made him TOO aware of his surroundings until all he could do was write music and lyrics and be an artist that is way too intense for most of us to handle (including the love of his life who rejected him despite his genius). The music that comes out of all this insanity is a weird combination of the Kids of Widney High, the Doodlebops, Wesley Willis, and Yanni and it is impossible to get out of your head.

Go to ilovedesire.com to buy the CD and spend as long as possible at that site. Trust us. You will never be the same again.

KUM CONTAINER

You know that girl you see hanging around your friend that used to be an intern or a mistress or something and then she sort of elbowed her way in there and now she’s the boss of him? She can pretend the past never happened but you know exactly what she is and what she always will be.

NEW ELPH

Call it brand loyalty but it seems like the Elph just keeps getting better and better. People keep showing us fancy Japanese things with giant screens but those screens always get cracked and nothing seems to fit in your front pocket better than an Elph (that’s more important than you think because the more convenient the camera is to carry the more you carry it and the more you carry it the more good pictures you get). This 7.1-megapixel version is about the same price as the first one and it looks like an old Jaguar or Merc. One huge downer though is you have to lug around a big dock for it every time you want to download your pictures.

Winner: Drinking Board Game because it’s so retarded.

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