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Groupie Dirt - Bedding Today's Buzziest Bands

Who's got a thing for GILFs? Who drops the bass in a serious way? We've got the scoop.
May 18, 2012, 4:35pm

A few days ago, we discovered Groupie Dirt. Noticing it hadn't been updated in quite a few years, we decided to contact our more scurrilous acquaintances to get the scoop on bedding some of today's buzziest bands.

Fun.

"We Are Young," proclaims FUN.'s car-endorsing 2012 single, but our groupie sources claim that lead singer Nate Ruess' paramours may not be able to say the same. Yep, you heard right: apparently, Nate likes them old. How old? We're not about to stoop to Betty White jokes, but let's just say he likes them "Betty Grey." (Or should we say Betty Gray?)

Animal Collective

We've got quite the dirt on these guys. For a collective, they don't seem to be too into the whole group scene. Quite the contrary; in fact, we hear from multiple sources that several members of this fauxllective are actually monogamous. If you get with one of these bad boys, you'd better be prepared for whatever flaxseed is. Rumor has it that renowned howler Panda Bear isn't a furry and has a family. Bowwowow!

Ben Gibbard

The newly-single Death Cab For Cutie frontman hasn't wasted any time in getting back into the dating scene. In fact, from what we hear, he never let his marriage to one New Girl stop him from dipping his mic into any stand that would hold it. Apparently, while Zooey was at home knitting, wearing cotton, and talking to Siri, Mr. Gibbard was out chasing tail. Blondes are his choice; think Pam Anderson, pre-reduction surgery. Now double that. One of our sources sent in this note: "The glove compartment/Isn't accurately named/Because it's where Ben keeps his Trojan Magnums/Dude loves banging in cars." Vroom!

Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All

From what we hear, it's more like Odd Future Wolf Gang Kiss Them All. With songs like Tyler the Creator's "Bitch Suck Dick," these boys might act tough, but they're sweeties at heart. Groupies have told us that a night with OFWGKTA usually ends in one sort of waterworks or another (and sometimes both!). If you're looking for a night of watching skate videos, Slurpees, and sensitive boys, you could do worse than OFWGKTA. SUPREME!

Mount Eerie/The Microphones

Field recordings aren't the only "field" things Phil Elverum is into. Several groupies have also told us he loves the outdoors. By which we mean: he makes loves outdoors (by which we mean: he does sex in fields). While no one's quite sure why Phil decided to change his name from "Elvrum" to "Elverum," one source suggests that it's because he wanted to let ladies know that they're in for some superfluous length, if you know what we're getting at! ;-) Mr. Elverum is known for being quite the wordsmith. We hear he regularly sends his flings text messages like, "Do you have any melancholic longing in you? No? Well, do you want some? ;-0" pond sounds HOWL!

Skrillex

We know what you're wondering, and yes, the carpet matches the drapes. From what we hear, Skrillex is a little guy who packs a big punch. And no, not in a Chris Brown sort of way. Our groupie sources tell us that Skrillex has all the bass you can handle. And he's quite the generous lover–rest assured, you won't be left waiting for the drop. WOMP WOMP WOMP!

Lana Del Rey

Virgin.

@hansonohaver