When COVID Ends, I'm Going to Embrace My Inner Bimbo

Welcome to Fantasy Week, where we indulge all our grandest daydreams about what we wish to do when this is all over. After a year of pandemic life, we’re fantasizing about globetrotting, throwing ragers, and dressing like we truly give zero fucks, and imagining a world where we’re all vaxxed and the world is our big, briny oyster.

Hey, baby. Wanna know what I’m wearing right now? Well… [half-giggles half-murmurs] I’m wearing a bleach-stained vintage Whitesnake shirt with a giant hole in the collar, Power Trip sweatpants, and my feet are swaddled in tie-dyed unisex socks. Oh yeah, and underneath it all, I’ve got just about the most nondescript (but wonderfully comfy) white cotton bra of all time, visible through another tear I just discovered in the armpit of the Whitesnake shirt. My hair is piled on top of my head with a scrunchie (in all fairness, a silk one—not even Heavy Metal Parking Lot scumbags like needless breakage). This is all to say, I have not exactly been the picture of glamour this past year, and some version of this outfit is how I’ve looked about 80% of my waking hours since last March. Even before we ended up in this hand-sanitizer-doused Helliverse, I’ve always been something of a tomboy. But as many of us have, I’ve put some thought into what the vibe will be come Vaxxed World—and since I want it to feel like the opposite of slovenly hermitude, I’m suddenly craving a deeply femme, deeply glamorous look that never interested me in the past. 

Therein lies a certain tension: When This Is All Over, I will probably prefer clothing with a lot of give and stretch—which I like to refer to as “soft gear”—for quite a while, if not forever. But I also am tired of looking like the donation pile at the Hollywood Boulevard Goodwill. So how will I dress for a night out after COVID, when I return to the carpeted bars, Koreatown makgeolli pubs, dim sum dining rooms, and red-sauce Italian restaurants I hold so dear? What clothing could both be unwilling to compromise on bodily comfort, yet also say “I’ve waited over a year, mostly in the horizontal position, to finally get shot up with anti-COVID juice and make my maskless debut with the energy of ‘I’m Coming Out’ by Diana Ross?” 

I’ve found the answer. And it was right under my nose all along. Silk pajamas. And I don’t just mean for sleeping; I mean inside, outside, in a cocktail lounge, at a show, certainly out to dinner at a fancy steakhouse or on the patio of your favorite margarita bar, and really anywhere and everywhere. Hear me out. 

Alexis Cadi pajama-style blouse, $323 at Farfetch

For a while, when we first entered COVID-19 Hell, I was doing a series on my Instagram story asking my friends to share their “quarantine drips,” and at first, it was cute seeing everyone with their leggings and mesh shorts and disheveled hair. But as it became abundantly clear that we wouldn’t all be back to “normal” after a couple of weeks of laying low, our full transition into athleisure-wear banana slugs became less of a novelty and more of just a necessity. 

But practicality is rather unsexy. Beige Crocs, while ergonomically sound, are the opposite of “Extra! Extra! Here for the Roaring 20s I heard were inevitable after a global health crisis and economic disaster!” Silk pajamas are the perfect intersection of sex appeal, unapologetic “I showed up—lucky you!” energy, and Barbie übergirliness. And despite their aesthetic femininity, they also carry a sense of self-possession that is more Playgirl than Cathy comic. Eartha Kitt and Cher would both approve—wearing silk pajamas in public truly says “Mom, I am a rich man”—as would Paris Hilton. 

Gemma Collins Short Kimono Robe With Fluffy Sleeve, $17.60 ($44) at Boohoo

There has been a razor-thin silver lining to this whole terrible pandemic thing, which was realizing how much your quality of life improves by wearing physically comfortable clothing instead of squeezing into aggressively slim-fitting vintage denim and leather every day, as I did in the Before Times. There will still be plenty of days when I’m full Slayer-tee metalhead, but I’m also ready to play more with gender performance (I used to think of “girly” as “bad,” probably due to some internalized misogyny from going to too many hardcore shows in my teens and early 20s) and I’m excited to exercise my right to be That Girl at the bar in pink silk PJs and hot-pink lipstick, with a ponytail on my head, a fluffy white animal in my purse, and an ice-cold martini in front of me (with extra olives). Best of all: That’s a right all of us have, when it comes down to it—the right to be a bimbo. Wikipedia describes the term bimbo as “often used to describe women who … have curvaceous figures, heavy makeup, and revealing clothing.” What is so wrong with that? Bimbos and himbos alike, I encourage thee to rise up post-COVID. 

Here are some more silk pajamas and accompanying bimbo-himbo accessories of my dreams.

In my imagination’s rotating gallery of activities in the After Times, my calendar is mysteriously far more packed with steak dinners and slot machines than it ever was IRL. (My fantasies, my rules!) This simple satin set looks wonderfully versatile for all things flashy, trashy, and even smoking-hash-y. I just wish I had a rose-colored Corvette to match. 

Flower Time to Shine Satin Plus Pajama Pants Set, $30 ($60) at Nasty Gal

These are a real show-stopper. Definitely do not wear a shirt under this set regardless of your gender. If you really need to cover up your décolletage a bit—brunch with the in-laws or whatever—get a large jeweled brooch and use that to fasten right at the breastbone. Wear these to go grocery shopping, bowling, or to the Academy Awards. 

Maison Rebelle Silky Satin Animal Print Robe and Pant Set, $86.40 at Etsy

These snakey bois are definitely kind of billionaire-villain, but sometimes that's how you want to be perceived. Imagine walking into a party full of your haters in this number. They'll either flee, or bow and ask if they can get you a drink. (I'll have a gin and tonic, thanks, darling.) 

Olivia Von Halle Lila printed silk pajama set, $560 at Net-a-Porter

This stupid-cute set is for those of us who just can’t do pink (I get it!), but still love the retro-chic thing. Slip on these size-inclusive PJs that come in sizes 1XL–5XL and sit in Buzz Lightyear’s lap. (There’s another slightly less cosmic version in sizes S-XL, too.)

Plus Satin Galaxy Print Contrast Piping Pajama Set, $17 at SHEIN

Emerald Fennell—who wrote Promising Young Woman and appeared as Camilla Parker-Bowles in The Crown—recently wore this Richard Quinn set to the Critics Choice Award, and I have two words for her: Yes, Emerald. (Emerald—what an underrated name.) I love the loud florals. I love the marabou. I love the DGAF-about-an-awards-show-dress-code flex. Vogue agreed. 

Richard Quinn feather-trimmed floral print silk pyjamas, $1,546 at Matches Fashion

Marabou mules are utterly iconic, but the kind of thing it makes no sense to spend more than, I don't know, 50 dollars on unless you're Dita Von Teese and your shoe closet is bigger than most New York apartments. The feathers will eventually become damp and grey, and the plastic heel is not built for forever. But these mules are built for after COVID, when we need absurdity, jazz, and pizzazz in equal parts. Add an anklet. Why not?

Plush Chunky Heeled Mules, $22 at SHEIN

In this house, we do not dye pets, nor do we adopt small dogs simply for the novelty of hauling them around under our arms. However, we do embrace full 50s-beehive kitsch with a poodle purse from the Halloween store. Imagine ordering like $135 worth of top-shelf cocktails and putting this on the polished antique wood bar to pay the bill (although someone else will probably be paying for you). 

Poodle Purse, $14.99 at HalloweenCostumes.com

There are many brands making obnoxiously bright pink lipsticks, but of course, I wholeheartedly trust Rihanna to deliver. This woman can rock an all-pink outfit like it is her job, because it sort of is (looking hot as the surface as the sun). Also, we love to keep it matte like the Avon ladies our aunties loved. 

Mattemoiselle Plush Matte Lipstick, $9 ($18) at Fenty Beauty

Bimbo on, my loves. [blows kiss]

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