‘It’s Like I Was Possessed’: Women Reveal the Deepest, Darkest Moments of Their ‘Mom Rage’

On January 13, a group of young moms in Boston, U.S., met at a high school football field, stood in a circle and, for 20 minutes, screamed at the top of their lungs. These moms were exhausted, angry and in pain – emotions that were quelled because they were raising children, had jobs to report to, or domestic chores to finish – all the while dealing with a pandemic that had shuttered schools and offices. “For once, the mothers could just let go,” reported the New York Times. 

This cathartic moment went viral for many reasons, but especially for highlighting the deepest, darkest moments of motherhood. 

Motherhood is a deeply complex journey. And the one aspect that is often overlooked, or even silenced, is mom rage. Mom rage is a colloquial and a relatively new term in parenting that refers to unrestrained, inexplicable anger many women experience during pregnancy, postpartum and even years after. This anger manifests in different ways for different women, and has many triggers such as lack of help and support at home, trauma, or postpartum depression and anxiety. The pandemic is reported to have exacerbated mom rage triggers. 

But in a world where motherhood is portrayed as all sparkles and fun and love and joy, mothers tend to force this pent-up pressure into deep, dark corners, or when they do humour themselves, it’s with a whole lot of shame and guilt. 

“[Mom rage] is a closely guarded secret, as if the myth of maternal bliss is so sacrosanct that we can't even admit these feelings to ourselves,” wrote author Anne Lamott in a 2019 Salon article. Artist and author Minna Dubin wrote in NYT that mothers are “supposed to be martyr-like in our patience.” “We are not supposed to want to hit our kids or to tear out our hair. We hide these urges, because we are afraid to be labeled ‘bad moms,’” she wrote. 

The new Netflix film The Lost Daughter joined the list of mainstream films and television shows that demonstrate the complex emotions of mom rage. In The Lost Daughter, the protagonist Leda is confronted with the unsettling early memories of motherhood, when she abandoned her two daughters for three years. Played by British actor Olivia Colman, Leda calls herself an “unnatural mother.” The film’s director Maggie Gyllenhaal said in an interview that she wanted to expose the myth of a “natural mother,” and look at the dark side of motherhood. 

In countries like India, where motherhood is put on a pedestal and even romanticised by Bollywood, any expression or talk of so-called “bad mom behaviour” is hard to find. Perhaps this is because our unequal and patriarchal society, which already treats women terribly, drives them into silence with their stories, or demonises them when a few odd crime cases surface, with salacious details of rage mulled upon rather than interrogated. Last week, the death by suicide of the daughter of a top Indian politician – who had a nine-month-old baby – brought some focus on postpartum depression. 

Perinatal mood disorders are a range of mood and anxiety symptoms – from depression and guilt to loss of energy, restlessness and extreme irritability – during pregnancy or up to one year postpartum. We spoke to three women about what mom rage did to them, and why more mothers should be talking – even screaming – about it. 

Amrita Saraf, 33, is a Pune-based baby sleep consultant who offers motherhood support on social media and runs a parenting website called Mom Uninterrupted.  

I had no idea what mom rage was. I didn’t even know something like this existed. I thought mothers are only supposed to feel sunshine and rainbows, always happy. That’s what you see on TV and that’s what’s taught to you. 

I started experiencing mom rage when my daughter was around a year and a half. I went through a lot of emotions but rage started to creep up around this time. I could physically feel my heartbeat rising, a tightness around my chest, and I’d end up yelling during these episodes. I became a terrible person to be around during these phases. I also started noticing that this uncontrollable anger would surface around ovulation and then, when my period would come, I’d feel a sudden surge of relief and all the rage in my body and mind would die out.

My rage was very frequent. There were a few good days, yes, but the rest was just anger and frustration combined with inexplicable crying and a sense of being overwhelmed. In the aftermath of those episodes, I’d feel horrible, like I’m a horrible mother, wife and person. I first confronted it when I spoke to a friend, who told me to watch my next three cycles and notice if the anger peaks during ovulation. So I observed myself for three months and realised I’d feel better when my period would come and then, during the ovulation and luteal phases, I’d become angry again. I’d also start feeling out of touch, wouldn’t want to nurse my baby, and would want to get away from my family. Turns out, it was my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I checked into therapy, which confirmed my PMDD, and my friend and I started with medication and therapy together. 

Honestly, a lot of women are made to suffer in silence because we are told all women have done this. Our mothers have raised kids and their mothers have raised kids. But just because they have raised kids doesn’t mean they weren’t suffering.

The common misconception is that women are just angry and like to pick fights. It would be so nice for partners to understand that mom rage can also stem from the mental load of motherhood. We wouldn’t be picking so many fights if only others picked up the slack and took things off our plates. There are no perfect moms. But happy moms can raise happy babies, and our children and family deserve that. 

Shreya Bakshi, 30, is a mother of one from Jamshedpur who runs a parenting Instagram page that focuses on postpartum depression, and a Facebook support group for moms. 

Mom rage is a real condition that we often mistake for just anger, and is a result of extreme burnout and lack of self-care. When my son was born, I experienced this form of anger for the first time. It was only later that I found out I’d had postpartum depression and PMDD for nearly two years. 

During PMDD, I experienced this absurd rage. For a lot of moms, PMDD is synced with their menstrual cycle or routines where they don’t have help or support at home. For me, a mental health condition had aggravated my PMDD, and I’m glad it happened during my postpartum depression because it helped me understand my triggers well and ask for help. 

About rage – I never had this personality. The rage struck within the first eight months of delivering my baby. Something as simple as my husband not switching off the fan, when I’d ask him to, would piss me off. I was like a monster. Everything was triggering. It was so hard to figure out how to label this rage, too, because before I gave birth, nobody spoke about it – not even my doctor. I didn’t know about postpartum depression until I was nine months postpartum. I’d get panic and anxiety attacks, and my doctor told me it was gas. I found out about postpartum depression through the internet, and I reached out to Postpartum Support International, a support group in the U.S., where I learned about all of this. 

I soon found some help and with treatment, therapy and lifestyle changes, things got better. Now, I still get angry, but that rage is gone. There’s a difference between the two. Mom rage is like you’re possessed, or being hit by an adrenaline rush. 

But once I addressed the issue, I felt like I was back to being myself again. It was a huge relief because it took nearly two years for me to overcome this. I also felt like someone had to save other moms like me. Moms today are still clueless. When you deliver a baby, you’re not the same person anymore. Doctors don’t pay attention to hormonal and emotional changes. One can heal from the physical changes, but these two things can mess up your postpartum period, and this can affect your bond with the child. 

While I’ve never channelled my rage towards my son, I’ve heard stories of women who wanted to hit their child, or did it. But I just want to say that we can’t process this rage, and that’s why they take these actions. It’s time mom rage, postpartum rage and perinatal mood disorder are talked about. 

Cauvery, 39, is a Mumbai-based media professional and has a daughter. 

I didn’t know about mom rage. I grew up with a mother who was constantly angry, and I thought that was just her default setting. But I first experienced mom rage around the time my child turned 3, which coincided with the start of the pandemic. At this age, children become really rebellious, and they have the words to express their anger. My daughter was particularly vociferous. Plus, I was on WFH mode, with no help. 

On a particularly crazy day at work, when some shit had hit the fan, my toddler kept knocking on the door and screaming outside every 30 seconds. And I just lost it. I smacked her on her bottom for the first time ever and locked her in her room. Of course, it lasted all of 30 seconds and I was apologising and comforting her for the rest of the day. 

But despite feeling extreme guilt after the first outburst, it only got worse. The pandemic magnified every frustration. Every outburst follows extreme guilt that I’m a horrible parent, along with the extreme fear that I’ve messed my daughter up for life. 

Oddly enough, it was my mother who helped me out with understanding my rage. She was stuck with us during the pandemic. I remember her being quite angry when I was growing up but never laying a hand on me. I, on the other hand, was doing it quite often with my own kid. She staged an intervention and made me stop. Now, I’ve come to understand that my rage is triggered by feeling overwhelmed and helpless. When there’s too much going on and you can’t catch a break, it builds up and explodes. Now, I just lock myself in my room or bathroom for a bit, or take a drive, or step out to shop or buy groceries. I literally come back a new person when I take a breather. 

To other moms, I would say: Taking a break really helps. Self-care really helps. Mostly trying to do too much is the culprit. Unhelpful spouses, overwhelming work pressure and house chores are the real reason behind most mom rage. So, recognise that and don’t beat yourself up about being a bad mom. You aren’t.

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