In bizarre, nepotistic music news, it was announced that Jay-Z will be writing songs for an upcoming version of the play Annie, which will star Willow Smith and is set to be produced by her father Will Smith. This is, for all intents and purposes, the super-rich megastar version of buying your child a pony. As a child who wanted a pony but never got one in their youth, I took the liberty of rewriting some notable Annie lyrics in the style of Jay-Z. I didnât use any swear words, because Willow Smith is hypothetically rapping these hypothetical lyrics.Song: âTomorrowâOriginal Lyric: âThe sunâll come out/Tomorrow/Bet your bottom dollar/That tomorrow/Thereâll be sun!âJay-Z Rewrite: âWillow flow hotter than sun come tomorrow/Iâm âbout a dollar/Holla, grab burner shot ya if I donât see sun tomorrow.âI envision this one as Willowâs âlyrical workout.âSong: âWeâd Like To Thank You Herbert HooverâOriginal Lyric: âThey offered us Al Smith and Hoover/We paid attention and we chose/Not only did we pay attention/We paid through the nose.âJay-Z Rewrite: âThey offered us Reagan and Bush/Pay attention, stop smokinâ your kush/Willow Smith addinâ dollars to my name/You fake/You fan fiction like cosplay.âIn my version of this song, Jay-Z both misinterprets the tenor of âWeâd Like To Thank You Herbert Hooverâ and knows about cosplay.Song: âItâs A Hard Knock LifeâThis one is actually a trick, because Jay already did this in like 1998.Song: âNYCâOriginal Lyric: âEnough of the cab drivers answering back/In the language far from pure/Enough of frankfurters answering back/Brother, you know youâre in NYC.âJay-Z Rewrite: âHeart of the city got me feelinâ shitty/Cab drivers mad, winter ainât pretty/Fuck it, got my own cars, hot dogs suck/Caddy, more trucks, itâs Daddy Warbucks.âThe weird thing is, I actually lifted that last line from a Camâron song. Also, Daddy Warbucks is allowed to swear in this play. Annie is not.Song: âEasy StreetâOriginal Lyric: âMother dear/Oh, we know youâre down there listening/How can we follow/Your sweet/Advice/To/Easy Street?âJay-Z Rewrite: âStomach undercrowded, wanna get on Easy Street/I sling rock, you second like M-Eezy Bleek.âJay-Zâs subtle mocking of Memphis Bleek for being his perennial understudy knows no bounds, and will definitely find its way into Annie.Song: âYou Wonât Be An Orphan For LongâOriginal Lyric: âMountains easily move/Oh, you wonât be an orphan/No, you wonât be an orphan for long.âJay-Z Rewrite: âYou wonât be an orphan for long/Youâll be dead while I rock PrivĂ©/Mess around, goonsâll have you missinâ like a TK.âAt this point in the play, Annie is no longer an orphan and has become a murderous crime lord.Song: âYouâre Never Fully Dressed Without A SmileâOriginal Lyric: âYour clothes may be Beau Brummelly/They stand out a mile/But, brother/Youâre never fully dressed/Without a smile!âJay-Z Rewrite: âYouâre never fully dressed without a smile/Yeah that shitâs for poor people/You prayinâ in a frock, well Iâm stuntinâ on the steeple.âAnnie is a play about class warfare. Jay-Z is a rapper who talks about things that make me feel poor, so he is also a rapper about class warfare.Song: âAnnieâOriginal Lyric: âAnnie/Annie/Annie/Everythingâs humming now/Annie/Annie.âJay-Z Rewrite: âWillow Smith/Willow Smith/Willow Smith/You know whoâs awesome?/Willow Smith/Willow Smith.âLest we forget that the new Annie is basically about Willow Smith (who I seriously do think is awesome)?If Jigga wants these, he can totally have them and say he wrote them. Just buy me a pony or something.@drewmillard
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