A helping, vibrating hand is key as we masturbate our way out of work-from-home ennui and assorted shades of “meh.” But getting off in peace and discretion is tricky when your vibrator is loud AF and you live in a sardine can with your roommates or loved one(s). So we’ve decided to go on a very belated quest: Find all the sex toys, for all the genders, that are actually quiet. That means penis sleeves and le classic dildo; suction staples, clit flickers, and erogenous zone pleasers a-plenty until we have the best quiet vibrators in steady rotation.
There are a few hot tips to keep in mind on this quest for the elusive silent vibrator: Often, sex toy companies will try to convince you their vibrator is quiet because it’s “rumbly,” which is kind of true, because the pitch is at least less ear-curdling than most jacked bullet vibrators. But not being noisy doesn’t make you ipso facto quiet. Most good vibrators—especially a quiet male masturbator—are investments over $50. (Many, over $100.) We think they’re worth it, because orgasms are seriously good for your health. But that’s not a small percentage of our mattress money, so settling isn’t the goal here.
We’re demanding more from our sex toys, always. Because you deserve a vibrator that’s not only quiet, but clocked-in to stylish design aesthetics, and ready to look just as good up your butt as it will on your nightstand.
The Cadillac of clit-suckers
Like Finding Nemo and Terminator alike, the second reincarnation of the Satisfyer Pro 2 vibrator is perfection re-perfected. It’s “Air-Pulse Technology” stimulates without direct-touch contact, making it ideal for people with sensitive clits. The latest version is also quieter than ever, and comes in both the brand’s signature champagne color and the periwinkle-esque Pantone color of the year.
This fancy Norwegian penis stroker
The Handy is a top-rated penis stroker by the luxury sex toy company SweetTech, which is composed of “a team of enthusiastic innovators based in Oslo, the capital of Norway,” says the brand’s site, whose “mastermind is Alexander, an engineer educated at the University of Oslo […] We didn’t want to just build a male sex machine, we aim[ed] to transform the masturbator market.” Based on the highly-detailed reviews of the toy on the site, they achieved their goal with the remote-controlled toy; Customers praise everything from its high quality assembly to compatibility with virtual reality technology.
The sex toy that needs its own Pixar movie
Not to get classist, but this is definitely not one of the robots Wall-E meets in the landfill. The brand Dame is one of the coolest kids in the sex toy game, a woman-founded company beloved for its gender-neutral aesthetics, and actual inclusion of customers in the design process. In that vein, don’t be intimidated by the enigmatic design of Eva II. It is simply meant to be nestled in the vulva for solo hands-free play, and can also be worn during penetrative sex.
This lighter-than-air clitoral vibe
No wonder they call it “Aer.” This clitoral vibe is so lightweight and easy to maneuver, and not unlike the Satisfyer Pro 2 it has a deeper motor than gets even more muffled when in-use. It has a 5-star rating on Dame’s site, with reviewers praising the “sleek and comfy material” and discretion.
This disembodied tongue
Our eyes have seen many sex toys, and while nary a veiny dildo sends the message ambiguity from your bathroom shelf, this vibrator hinges on discreet, vague design (if that’s yer thing). Just look at that come-hither silhouette. Is it a tongue? A boiling teardrop? “This is a nice quiet and relentless friend,” says one reviewer, “It's quiet and the vibe is more of a deep rumble than high frequency, which is hard to find these days.” Bonus points for being full-submersion waterproof.
The one that will turn into Siri soon
Worth the money. Worth every damn penny. This Womanizer (terrible name, great product) is a near-sentient vibrator, because it has a quiet, touch-activated sensor that gets both le dildo and the suction component rumbling, anticipating your every need. We didn’t think it was possible for a vibrator to have etiquette, but here we are.
A vibrator that doesn’t ask you to multitask
Surprisingly, one of the trickier dives on this list was the classic, vibrating dildo. Why is it that those things are so much louder than suction vibrators? Like, Headbangers Ball? Maybe it takes more engine power to hype up an entire rod. In that fleshy vein, Lelo once again delivers with a vibrator whose design isn’t overwhelming, as rabbit attachments tend to do, and has a motor as quiet as “a teasing murmur.” Peep that curved G-spot tip, too. *Chef’s kiss.*
The Swiss Army Knife of prostate massagers
We dig this whole decapitated bicycle seat aesthetic. Very REI-after-dark. We also like to think this quiet prostate massager is sporty in design, because it is simply doing the absolute most, effortlessly: There are nine different settings, remote-control capabilities, and a built in penis ring (reviewers also love using the tip as a clitoral stimulator).
The best luxury prostate massager
Why are Scandinavians so great at making luxury sex toys? The sexual wellness brand LELO makes a wildly popular remote-controlled prostate massager known as the “Hugo,” and as with all of the brand’s toys it prioritizes quality engineering and quiet motors. Also, it just rocks; “WOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!” writes one satisfied Amazon customer, “First time out of the gate and OH-YEAH!!!!! I like pressure on the P-spot so sitting and rocking on [the Hugo], on all fours with my butt up […] I had the most insane experience in my sexual life the full body release. I did this on and off for over an hour so much that I sweated like I had just done circuit training my clothes were soaked.”
A monument of the sex toy world. This penis ring has been reviewed by our crew before, and received golf claps for its chill user experience. We’re giving it a reprise for that ample clitoral stimulator, and quiet motor. A lowkey user experience is important when one first ventures into the penis ring universe, and as the aforementioned testee mentions, this one won’t “guillotine” the peen.
This ‘smart’ vibrator that uses AI to track orgasms
The Lioness is a revolutionary vibrator, and that’s not a sentence we use lightly. We reviewed the game-changing rabbit vibe in a point-by-point breakdown of its best features, from the super quiet motor to the accesible design (it’s perfect for riding, teasing, and thrusting), to say nothing of how cool the AI features are; This baby actually uses motion sensors to map-out your orgasms and convert them into graphs with the help of an app, which sounds super extra (and it is), but there’s something so empowering about being able to see a physical representation of your killer spank sesh.
A bouquet for your bean
There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself flowers, particularly if it’s for your own flower. Kick summer off with a bang, and snag this Air Touch Rose Clit Suction Stimulator, which delivers intense puffs of air for deep, mind-blowing orgasms. The rose petals also open up for more elaborate and targeted stimulation—and feel free to use it for some nipple play, too.
A vibrating snowball
Well, this is just precious. The veritable PARO robot of pussies. Perfect for erogenous zones, direct clitoral stimulation, or sliding around an anus, and it's easily held in the palm of a hand. The silicone is kind of plushy, the motor is but a purr, and the navigation toolbar thing is right on the underbelly.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.