A helping, vibrating hand is key as we masturbate our way out of stay-at-home ennui, assorted shades of depression, the mourning of canceled anime conventions—just the whole damn COVID-19 goody bag. But getting off in peace and discretion is tricky when your vibrator is loud AF, and you’re quarantining in a sardine can with your roommates or loved one(s). So we’ve decided to go on a very belated quest: Find all the vibrators, for all the genders, that are actually quiet. That means penis sleeves and le classic dildo; suction staples, clit flickers, and erogenous zone pleasers a-plenty.
There are a few hot tips to keep in mind on this quest: Often, sex toy companies will try to convince you their vibrator is quiet because it’s “rumbly,” which is kind of true, because the pitch is at least less ear-curdling than most jacked bullet vibrators. But not being noisy doesn’t make you ipso facto quiet. Most good vibrators are investments over $50. (Many, over $100.) We think they’re worth it, because orgasms are seriously good for your health. But that’s not a small percentage of our stimulus checks, so settling isn’t the goal here.
We’re demanding more from our sex toys, always, but especially as we live out this SimCity Pandemic Pack. Because if COVID tests have gone anal and Lil Uzi Vert can get a $24 million diamond forehead implant, you deserve a vibrator that’s not only quiet, but clocked-in to stylish design aesthetics, and ready to look just as good up your butt as it will on your nightstand.
The Cadillac of clit-suckers
Like Finding Nemo and Terminator alike, the second reincarnation of the Satisfyer Pro vibrator is perfection re-perfected. Expect a gender-neutral color palette, a “whisper quiet” motor, and “Air-Pulse Technology” that stimulates without direct-touch contact, making it ideal for people with sensitive clits. A deserving staple for your sex toy rotation—plus, right now it’s super on-sale.
Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation,
$75 $49.95, at Ella Paradis
The Tesla of the Fleshlight realm
The AeroPress of peen? This reminds us of so many coffee gifts we love. Which, in all seriousness, goes to show how much care was put into the design of Lelo’s “F1 Developer's Kit,” a masturbator with a super-ergonomic internal shape, performance sensors, and even a little window. This brand is widely known for its high-quality, high-design, and low-volume sex toys, so we don’t even care that it has a techy AutoCad name. It’s delivered us from the hells of the Bug’s Life masturbator.
F1 Red Developer’s Kit,
$189 $170 at Lelo
The sex toy that needs its own Pixar movie
Not to get classist, but this is definitely not one of the robots Wall-E meets in the landfill. Dame is one of the coolest kids in the sex toy game, a woman-founded company beloved for its gender-neutral aesthetics, and actual inclusion of customers in the design process. In that vein, don’t be intimidated by the enigmatic design of Eva II. It is simply meant to be nestled in the vulva for solo hands-free play, and can also be worn during penetrative sex.
Eva II hands-free vibrator, $135 at Dame
This disembodied tongue
Our eyes have seen many sex toys, and while nary a veiny dildo sends the message ambiguity from your bathroom shelf, this vibrator hinges on discreet, vague design (if that’s yer thing). Just look at that come-hither silhouette. Is it a tongue? A boiling teardrop? “This is a nice quiet and relentless friend,” says one reviewer, “It's quiet and the vibe is more of a deep rumble than high frequency, which is hard to find these days.” Bonus points for being full-submersion waterproof.
CalExotics Red Hot Ember, $27.31 at Amazon
The one that will turn into Siri soon
Worth the money. Worth every damn penny. This Womanizer (terrible name, great product) is a near-sentient vibrator, because it has a quiet, touch-activated sensor that gets both le dildo and the suction component rumbling, anticipating your every need. We didn’t think it was possible for a vibrator to have etiquette, but here we are.
Womanizer Duo Rechargeable G-Spot and Clitoral Stimulator, $219.99 at Lovehoney
A vibrator that doesn’t ask you to multitask
Surprisingly, one of the trickier dives on this list was the classic, vibrating dildo. Why is it that those things are so much louder than suction vibrators? Like, Headbangers Ball? Maybe it takes more engine power to hype up an entire rod. In that fleshy vein, Lelo once again delivers with a vibrator whose design isn’t overwhelming, as rabbit attachments tend to do, and has a motor as quiet as “a teasing murmur.” Peep that curved G-spot tip, too. *Chef’s kiss.*
Lelo Gigi 2 G-Spot Vibrator,
$159.99 $143.99 at Babeland
The Swiss Army Knife of prostate massagers
We dig this whole decapitated bicycle seat aesthetic. Very REI-after-dark. We also like to think this quiet prostate massager is sporty in design, because it is simply doing the absolute most, effortlessly: There are nine different settings, remote-control capabilities, and a built in penis ring (reviewers also love using the tip as a clitoral stimulator).
3-in-1 Remote Control Prostate Massager Vibrator, $27.98 at Amazon
A monument of the sex toy world. This penis ring has been reviewed by our crew before, and received golf claps for its chill user experience. We’re giving it a reprise for that ample clitoral stimulator, and quiet motor. A lowkey user experience is important when one first ventures into the penis ring universe, and as the aforementioned testee mentions, this one won’t “guillotine” the peen.
Pivot vibrating ring, $109 at We-Vibe
A vibrating snowball
Well, this is just precious. The veritable PARO robot of pussies. Perfect for erogenous zones, direct clitoral stimulation, or sliding around an anus, and it's easily held in the palm of a hand. The silicone is kind of plushy, the motor is but a purr, and the navigation toolbar thing is right on the underbelly.
Tenga Iroha Yuki, $80.96 at Amazon
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