Ahem. We’re pro-mosquito killing. There, we said it! [PETA loads crossbow.] We’re also pretty much pro-killing any and all bugs that pose an itchy, bite-y threat this summer—of which, there are many. And, as hot and spicy as it may be, we think many of you probably share that take. (Though, if you do know anyone who enjoys getting eaten alive by summer bugs, please shoot us an email at your earliest convenience. We’d love the pageviews on that op-ed.)
Now, there are lots of methods—and just as much madness—that purport to coerce and convince bugs to leave you and your tasty, tasty flesh alone. According to our paint-throwing friends over at the aforementioned nonprofit, for example, “Taking B-complex vitamins or eating brewer’s yeast daily (including taking it in tablet form) during the summer months will help keep you mosquito-bite-free.” So, you could try that. (We’re sure that if you explain to the mosquitos that you took your vitamins, they’ll politely not bite you.) Or, you could actually avoid a yeasty summer full of bug bites by simply zapping as many of the dirty bastards as possible with big-ass electric bug lamps, dousing yourself and your yard in bug spray, and lighting up enough citronella candles to make a Catholic church jealous.
We've put together a list of all of the components you’ll need to properly outfit your summer bug survival kit. And this isn’t just for the hardcore outdoors peeps, either—mosquitos and other summer bugs aren’t on Strava, and don’t care how many miles you hiked last weekend. They’re equal-opportunity assholes, and they’ll bite anyone they can get their grubby, disease-ridden proboscises on. So refresh your anti-bug arsenal with these warm weather must-haves, and may the world (and not insects) feast its eyes on your bare, bite-free skin this summer.
Generations of mosquitos will perish at your hand
You’ve had enough. We get it. Now is not the time for attempts at diplomacy—it’s time for action. Which, in your case, means electrocuting as many mosquitos and other bite-y bugs as humanly possible. Or, until they get the idea and tell their friends that you’re very much like Wu-Tang. These zappers and shockers lure bugs in, and quickly make sure their biting days are over.
Create a bug force field
An invisible shield to prevent bug bites is the only wall Rec Room supports. (Well, that and the Wall of Fame at the Hot Dog Palace.) While it’s a little more low-tech than your run-of-the-mill sci-fi force field, a backyard ground spray coupled with a rechargeable, scent-free repellent diffuser is tough to beat.
Smack the trails, not your lower legs
For on-the-go protection, Murphy's Naturals Mosquito Repellent Balm is the way to go. It’s convenient to apply and easy to store in a travel pouch or hiking backpack. Plus, everything from Murphy’s Natural is free of harsh chemicals and made with all-natural, bug-repelling oils.
Some mood lighting
The mood being, “fuck mosquitos.” Citronella candles aren’t as lame and smelly as they used to be. These ~aesthetic~ choices from Food52 and Anthropologie actually work, and they’re cool enough to earn a spot next to your NSYNC altar.
Don some literal anti-bug armor
Some of you probably have it worse than others. If you live in a swampy area, or one that often floods and leaves lots of puddles (mosquito-breeding heaven), you’ve probably tried most of these products already. Well, if you’re serious about not getting torn up this summer, you can always pop on the ol’ anti-bug armor set. We’re talking anti-bug mesh, socks, shirts, sweats, and much more. (We've tried these socks, and can confirm that they work shockingly well.)
Then, once you’re decked out in your anti-bug gear, spray everything down (clothing, tents, sleeping bags, dog beds, horse saddles) with some Ranger Ready Repellant for an extra layer of protection.
Saging is out
Luckily, burning all-natural, mosquito-repellent incense is in. These sticks and cones from Murphy’s Naturals are great for enjoying cool summer nights on the porch, patio, or fire escape without having to worry about any unwanted visits from our six-legged foes. They’re also DEET-free and full of natural oils.
Drench yourself in bug spray
You’ve tried your best to parley with the winged enemy, but to no avail. And when it comes to matters of bug bites, there’s no shame in resorting to chemical warfare. C’est la guerre. Insect repellents come in a variety of formulas, ranging from the classic big-name brands to all-natural herbal topicals (that actually work).
In case you forget any of the above
Some bug bites are unpreventable. That’s why they make soothing balms to slather all over your eaten-up skin. They’re all natural, and they work. What more could you ask for in a bite balm? Does anyone regularly ask for stuff in a bite balm?
Just realizing we missed out on some “bug-out bag” jokes. Oh well, maybe next time.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.