Red Flags Are Everywhere These Days - But What Actually Are They?

Content Warning: Abuse.

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They don’t read the news. 

They always let other people do the dishes after dinner. 

They tell you their ex was a “psycho”. 

So you tell your friends that you’re not totally sure if you’re down with some of these newly discovered traits, to be met with an uproarious display of horror and disgust. Your friends tell you, “Oh no, that’s a huge red flag.” And with that, your potential love is over. 

Red Flags have permeated online and irl dating discussions for years, to the point where people have developed the terms beige flags, green flags and pink flags out of the same framework. It’s yet another term that’s grown in popularity due to the internet and is thrown around a lot without a huge amount of nuance.

But what actually is a red flag? Is it a fair way to describe a bad trait or a problematic opinion? Is it reason enough to ditch someone, or to cut them off without telling them why?

VICE brought in relationship expert Eleanor Butterworth to talk all things “red flags” – starting with the big question, what are they? 

According to Butterworth, a red flag describes behaviours that are “early warning signs in relationships.” These signs might signal trouble ahead for one – or both – of you, and mean that you need to stop the relationship.

And there’s no doubt that red flags can actually be helpful in keeping your dating life healthy.  Experts in relationships may not specifically use the popular term “red flags”, but Butterworth says that “the concept of ‘red flags’ is well understood by professionals, particularly those who work with violent relationships”.

However, professionals tend to use the phrase ‘risk factors’ rather than “red flags.” 

“Risk factors are those behaviours that evidence and experience has shown to correlate to later outcomes (of abuse),” says Butterworth. “In this context they can be helpful for getting a clearer picture of the risks someone is living with so the kinds of support offered can be tailored to match.”

While red flags, or risk factors, aren’t completely objective, there are some common behaviours that can signal a relationship is heading into unhealthy and possibly even abusive territory. 

• Controlling behaviour, like telling you what to wear or who you can hang out with. 
• Isolation, which might be a partner isolating you from friends and family, or you as a couple isolating yourself from everyone else, which is sometimes called co-dependency.
• Power imbalance, such as a partner treating you as less important – like a servant or like you owe them something. 
• Constant criticism.
• A lack of trust, which might be demonstrated through jealousy, accusations or keeping tabs on you. 
• Patterns of frequent anger that might be followed by remorse. 
• Ignoring your boundaries,
• Any physical or sexual abuse – including standing over you, blocking doors, threatening to hurt you, or forcing or manipulating you into sexual acts. 

Despite the use of red flags within professional risk assessment, it’s also used in a far more casual way by many people to describe safe, but undesirable, traits someone might have.

This might be that you don’t want a family but they do, or that they vote for a political party that you disagree with. But, as Butterworth told VICE, “it’s important to recognise the difference between ‘red flags’ that are about our personal preferences in relationships and ‘red flags’ that signal risk of abuse. One helps us understand ourselves more and find partners who are a better fit, one is about people being safe and free from abuse.” 

Using the term to describe things you don’t like about someone might be a bit zeitgeisty, but can it be a useful term when dating? 

I’ve been on dates where I’ve been asked what my red flags are and what do I think someone should know about me that might turn them off. And although at first that question made me gag a bit – why should I share something so personal and self-critical with someone I barely know? – the more I thought about it the more I felt that in some ways it’s better to get it out of the way. 

If you tell me that it takes you weeks to reply to messages I know you’re probably not for me. And if it doesn’t put me off, it might ease my worries if you’re not texting me back, because I already know it’s not personal. And it’s definitely not something you should be asking someone if the vibe isn’t already good – anyone would be put off if 6 minutes into your first meeting you’re being asked about your worst qualities, before you’ve so much as found out where you went to uni.

Knowing what you consider to be red flags can also help you avoid bad relationships in the future by avoiding them to start with.

“Having this shared understanding of red flags will hopefully help us do better in relationships and support our friends to do better if they are using any of these behaviours,” says Butterworth. “It can also give us language to talk with friends or family in risky relationships and be able to say which behaviours we are seeing aren’t ok.

Where this language isn’t helpful is when we apply it to personal preferences and make the assumption a partner who doesn’t share these is somehow wrong for wanting different things.”

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa.