Here's putting together two of our favorite things about life, sex and food, so you know exactly what to put on your plate to prep for your next nocturnal foray.
Ahh, the sexiest of root vegetables. Your naani is certainly familiar with these pungent pods, thanks to their cardiovascular benefits, but it’s these very heart healthy properties that help increase blood flow to your naughty bits. Plus, it’s purported to increase testosterone levels which make you more sexually aggressive… whatever, we just like entire farms of it in the aglio olio you’re buying us on this date, thanks.
Ahh, the second sexiest of root vegetables. Warm your form like the former Aussie PM Tony Abbott—the original orange head of state, truly—who, a few years ago, sunk his teeth into a raw one, papery skin and all. According to Ayurveda, onions get the blood flowing. Rarely is a do pyaaza our top pick for some pre-workout, but this—and not that we walk a maximum of a hundred steps a day—might be why we have to photoshop our abs like our ultimate #fitspo, Salman bhai.
If chee-chee kanda-lasun doesn’t jive with your pure veg ideas of shudh desi romance, time to go herbal. No, not that way. Stick some Ayurveda-approved ashwagandha in your mouth hole instead. Okay, this one we can’t make all that much fun of because actual, for real scientists (in Lucknow, but still) have proven these roots improve sperm count. Plus Baba Ramdev promises for it to cure your “sexual weakness”. Color us shocked. Never will we mock another tent doctor promising to cure our piles, fistula, and marriage problems ever again.
Mmm, nothing like grey, lumpy porridge to get you in the mood. We recommend pairing it with your baggiest pjamas and rattiest T-shirt for maximum married people sex feels. This is grandpa grub, but in all honesty, this is a protein-packed breakfast that will give you the strength and stamina you need to not die of stroke mid-stroke (sorry not sorry). Plus, this way you got breakfast sorted the morning after and the energy for Round 2/3/6 (6? Who are you?).
Make like a middle-class millennial and save the chocolate-dipped strawberries for Yashraj Films-approved sanskari sexytimes. These fruits reportedly increase your sex drive—something you would have quelled for years waiting for mummy and daddy to choose whom you will die with, just like they did your career, your haircut, and the brand of chaddi you wear to date (Lux Cozy, of course).
We are loathe to believe any of our discerning readers would believe in this clickbait quackery, but since you made it this far, let us give you a hot tip: There is absolutely nothing on this list that will get you laid like being a decent human who seeks out nothing less than uncoerced, ongoing, enthusiastic consent from their partner will. There’s nothing hotter than consent. Nothing that will make you last longer than a consensual sexual interaction. Nothing will feel better than knowing without a doubt that the person you’re sharing this intimate moment with really, really wants to be there with you. Whether you’re hooking up at first swipe or holding hands until your maker matches you in holy matrimony, consent is key. Learn it, live it, love it.
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This article originally appeared on VICE IN.