Ah yes, the first week of January: the time of year during which the internet collectively makes unrealistic resolutions (totally running a marathon this year) and freaks out about Beyoncé's headlining spot at Coachella (definitely not getting canceled this year). Here at Noisey, as we're stretching our blog fingers after stuffing ourselves over the holidays, we've continued our annual tradition of taking 20 minutes to review the Coachella lineup (which is pretty good!). Let's get to it.
Dude doesn’t even know how to spell.
A Perfect Circle
Buncha squares, singing about fractals.
Saved By the Bell is still going on?
Nice to see country music is making an appearance at Coachella this year.
Honestly have no idea what this is.
Something something Johnny Depp.
*mumbling about triangles* Alvvays
Good band, dumb name.
Y’all like Akira? Dragon Ball Z? Neo Yokio?
Sephora with a guitar.
Toyota is sponsoring this stage.
For people who like to ruin parties by breakdancing.
Christopher Nolan influence is getting out of hand.
I love him in Sherlock!
Ben is good.
Talented, but unfortunately can’t measure up to his archnemesis Benjamin Tangerine.
Better show up on stage with the twins.
Well that’s better than Large Burglar.
Drake’s gonna be front row.
Good Black Mirror episode.
ANOTHER Taylor Swift album?
The next evolution in cooties
Sounds like a New England private school.
Say this three times in a mirror and Steve Buscemi will appear.
Take a break!
Another cover story?
Damn didn't know Bon Iver had a fragrance.
Ca$h Ca$h. There, fixed it for you.
LA is cool I guess.
Chic feat. Nile Rodgers
Daft Punk really made this guy’s career blow up, eh?
Chloe x Halle
A Disney Channel Original Movie.
This guy would definitely explain bitcoin to me.
Is this guy still wearing sunglasses?
I love Frank Ocean!
Big fan of daddy new wave.
Sounds like a pretty cool car.
Why is the ‘J’ capitalized?
i keep wanting to write diarrhea
Detroit Love (Carl Craig, Kyle Hall, Moodymann)
Like cous cous, flavorless.
THUNDER ONLY HAPPENS WHEN IT'S RAINING
Underrated dragon on Game of Thrones.
Overrated dragon on Game of Thrones.
Can’t wait to have a bunch of slurs yelled at us on the Lord’s day.
*listens to Loveless once*
Fuck, I Don’t Like Alt-Rock.
First Aid Kit
An essential component of any outdoors experience.
Time to get in an argument about real hip-hop with the nearest 17-year-old.
Father John Misty: “They’re a bit pretentious for me.”
Greta Van Fleet
Loved Lady Bird.
Still playing that first album, huh.
While Tom Waits
Maybe we can get guest appearances from the rest of the cast of CSI: Cyber.
No jokes, Helado rules.
You said it, not me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Marijuana is now legal in the state of California.
Needs to be at least 90-less waters
A secret Will Smith set, most likely. DO NOT MISS.
That’s what they called me in high school, baby!
Agent Cody was on a mission.
::: extremely Arnold Schwarzenegger voice ::: JAYMIEH
Who let the giant hat in again
Nothing but respect for my president.
Second division English football-ass name, that
Probably just Father John Misty in a beret.
Still don’t quite get this one.
Not a real maus.
Drake’s also gonna be front row here.
Is this the guy from Handmaid’s Tale?
Livin’ la vida loca!
Obviously playing Coachella.
Nothing bad to say here, really.
Loved this guy at Eurovision.
“Tired, but we go ALL NIGHT!”
… Inspired by Kittens
We have no jokes about Knox.
I’m more into sours.
More like… No Go!
From 1296 to 1301, the Kingdom of León was again independent and after the reunion with Castile remained a Crown until 1833, but as part of a united Spain from 1479. In the Royal Decree of 30 November 1833, the Kingdom of León was considered one of the Spanish regions and divided into the provinces of León, Zamora and Salamanca. In 1978, these three provinces of the region of León were included along with six provinces of the historic region of Old Castile to create the autonomous community of Castile and León.
Went to NYU.
Los Ángeles Azules
We’re doing sports this year, too? Cool!
Louis the Child
Asks older kids to buy him beer
Was hoping for a Run the Jewels set but this will do.
Mac DeMarco’s house.
No disrespect but isn’t this a bit of an oxymoron?
Lauryn Hill was booked :(
Loved him in Austin Powers
Definitely sold out.
Might have sex with thin air
Mild High Club
Uh oh, one of our jokes gained sentience and formed a band.
It’s pronounced MEURGH and don’t you forget that.
This dude is gonna part a sea during his set and it’s gonna be lit.
Motor City Drum Ensemble
Don’t let the name fool you, this is one man from Germany.
No joke then
Nothing But Thieves
Will make this year’s fest into #kleptochella if they do a B2B with Big Thief.
Like the letters, but words. Smart.
One Omar seems like quite enough.
I am not invested in Festival Culture but I feel it is built for acts like this.
Starting now, get 50 percent off all Halloween and Christmas related items!
Great in Mad Men.
Only biscuit we acknowledge is cheddar bay.
Portugal. The Man
These guys sent us a cake once and it was pretty good.
God is dead but buzz bands aren’t.
The Razr was much cooler, honestly.
No Nicole? Well, at least that DJ career is taking off, so good for her.
That cousin of Russ who likes EDM
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever
Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying.
Extra from That 70s Show
Not so sure about what you’re doing with these Star Wars Stories, Lucasfilm.
Clearly superior to Señor Criterion Collection.
Sigrid Thornton also starred in ‘Inspector Gadget 2’
And the family stone?
Or give him a chance?
" Don't Kill the Magic is a series of fantasy novels written by British author J. K. Rowling. The main story arc concerns Slow Magic's struggle against Magic! a Canadian reggae fusion band based in Toronto who intends to become immortal and overthrow the wizard governing body known as the Ministry of Magic."
You still use AOL?
SPACESHIPS WERE MEANT TO FLLLLLYYYYYYY
Still waiting on that reunion tour with The Grenadines.
Print is dead.
Theater dork, sorry.
Needs bigger font on the flyer.
Have you guys ever read The Name of the Wind?
Tank and the Bangas
Thomas and the Banga Engine
Use a napkin
The Black Madonna
Those wildfires are no joke, guys.
Damn Desus and Mero had a hell of a year, huh?
Better than the Margarinetones.
And the City of a Thousand Bands.
Sadly, also featuring other instruments.
West Side Story cover band.
The War on Drugs
Trickle-down economics were apparently already booked up.
Coke anthems for the children.
From the creators of Fabolous and Ludacris comes, Mischellaneous
Tyler, the Creator
Has a show on VICELAND.
Wish he had a show on VICELAND.
Westside Gunn + Conway
Didn’t know that Bon Iver’s fragrance had a tribute band
Sounds like a personally conflicted strain of wheat.
Like those Calvin and Hobbes bumper stickers?
The best-selling sequel to W Japan.
Should’ve been higher on Noisey’s 2017 year end list.
Noisey is ready to have some fun in the sun! Follow us on Twitter.