We Reviewed Every Band Playing Coachella 2018

An annual tradition that we annually regret doing.
January 3, 2018, 5:09pm

Ah yes, the first week of January: the time of year during which the internet collectively makes unrealistic resolutions (totally running a marathon this year) and freaks out about Beyoncé's headlining spot at Coachella (definitely not getting canceled this year). Here at Noisey, as we're stretching our blog fingers after stuffing ourselves over the holidays, we've continued our annual tradition of taking 20 minutes to review the Coachella lineup (which is pretty good!). Let's get to it.

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6LACK
Dude doesn’t even know how to spell.

A Perfect Circle
Buncha squares, singing about fractals.

AC Slater
Saved By the Bell is still going on?

Alan Walker
Nice to see country music is making an appearance at Coachella this year.

Alina Baraz
Honestly have no idea what this is.

Alison Wonderland
Something something Johnny Depp.

alt-J
*mumbling about triangles* Alvvays
Good band, dumb name.

Aminé
Y’all like Akira? Dragon Ball Z? Neo Yokio?

Angel Olsen
Sephora with a guitar.

AURORA
Illinois!

Avalon Emerson
Toyota is sponsoring this stage.

B Boys
For people who like to ruin parties by breakdancing.

Bane’s World
Christopher Nolan influence is getting out of hand.

Barclay Crenshaw
I love him in Sherlock!

Bedouin
…Soundclash?

Belly
Stomach.

Benjamin Booker
Ben is good.

Benjamin Clementine
Talented, but unfortunately can’t measure up to his archnemesis Benjamin Tangerine.

Beyoncé
Better show up on stage with the twins.

Big Thief
Well that’s better than Large Burglar.

Black Coffee
Drake’s gonna be front row.

blackbear
Good Black Mirror episode.

Bleachers
ANOTHER Taylor Swift album?

Boogarins
The next evolution in cooties

BØRNS
BØRED.

BROCKHAMPTON
Sounds like a New England private school.

Buscabulla
Say this three times in a mirror and Steve Buscemi will appear.

Busy P
Take a break!

Cardi B
Another cover story?

Carpenter Brut
Damn didn't know Bon Iver had a fragrance.

Cash Cash
Ca$h Ca$h. There, fixed it for you.

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Cherry Glazerr
LA is cool I guess.

Chic feat. Nile Rodgers
Daft Punk really made this guy’s career blow up, eh?

Chloe x Halle
A Disney Channel Original Movie.

Chris Liebing
This guy would definitely explain bitcoin to me.

Chromeo
Is this guy still wearing sunglasses?

Cuco

Daniel Caesar
I love Frank Ocean!

David Byrne
Big fan of daddy new wave.

Declan McKenna
Sounds like a pretty cool car.

DeJ Loaf
Why is the ‘J’ capitalized?

Deorro
i keep wanting to write diarrhea

Detroit Love (Carl Craig, Kyle Hall, Moodymann)
Damn.

Django Django
Like cous cous, flavorless.

Dreams
THUNDER ONLY HAPPENS WHEN IT'S RAINING

Ekali
Underrated dragon on Game of Thrones.

Elohim
Overrated dragon on Game of Thrones.

Eminem
Can’t wait to have a bunch of slurs yelled at us on the Lord’s day.

Fazerdaze
*listens to Loveless once*

FIDLAR
Fuck, I Don’t Like Alt-Rock.

First Aid Kit
An essential component of any outdoors experience.

Flatbush Zombies
Time to get in an argument about real hip-hop with the nearest 17-year-old.

Fleet Foxes
Father John Misty: “They’re a bit pretentious for me.”

French Montana

bodegahive

Giraffage
Great Pokémon!

Greta Van Fleet
Loved Lady Bird.

HAIM
Still playing that first album, huh.

Hannah Wants
While Tom Waits

Hayley Kiyoko
Maybe we can get guest appearances from the rest of the cast of CSI: Cyber.

Helado Negro
No jokes, Helado rules.

Highly Suspect
You said it, not me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

HITO
Marijuana is now legal in the state of California.

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Hundred Waters
Needs to be at least 90-less waters

Ibeyi
Oui!

Illenium
A secret Will Smith set, most likely. DO NOT MISS.

Jackmaster
That’s what they called me in high school, baby!

Jacob Banks
Agent Cody was on a mission.

Jamie Jones
::: extremely Arnold Schwarzenegger voice ::: JAYMIEH

Jamiroquai
Who let the giant hat in again

Japanese Breakfast
Nothing but respect for my president.

Jason Bentley
Second division English football-ass name, that

Jean-Michel Jarre
Probably just Father John Misty in a beret.

Jessie Ware
Still don’t quite get this one.

Jidenna

jidennahive

John Maus
Not a real maus.

Jorja Smith
Drake’s also gonna be front row here.

Joseph Capriati
Is this the guy from Handmaid’s Tale?

Jungle
Funky!

Justin Martin
Livin’ la vida loca!

Kali Uchis
Obviously playing Coachella.

Kamaiyah
Nothing bad to say here, really.

Kamasi Washington
Loved this guy at Eurovision.

Kelela
“Tired, but we go ALL NIGHT!”

King Krule
Oy, innit.

KITTENS
Inspired by Kittens

Knox Fortune
We have no jokes about Knox.

Kölsch
I’m more into sours.

Kygo
More like… No Go!

LANY
Coastal elites.

LÉON
From 1296 to 1301, the Kingdom of León was again independent and after the reunion with Castile remained a Crown until 1833, but as part of a united Spain from 1479. In the Royal Decree of 30 November 1833, the Kingdom of León was considered one of the Spanish regions and divided into the provinces of León, Zamora and Salamanca. In 1978, these three provinces of the region of León were included along with six provinces of the historic region of Old Castile to create the autonomous community of Castile and León.

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LION BABE
Went to NYU.

Los Ángeles Azules
We’re doing sports this year, too? Cool!

Louis the Child
Asks older kids to buy him beer

LP
Was hoping for a Run the Jewels set but this will do.

Maceo Plex
Mac DeMarco’s house.

MAGIC GIANT
No disrespect but isn’t this a bit of an oxymoron?

Marian Hill
Lauryn Hill was booked :(

MHD
Sophisticated

Michael Mayer
Loved him in Austin Powers

Migos
Definitely sold out.

Miguel
Might have sex with thin air

Mild High Club
Uh oh, one of our jokes gained sentience and formed a band.


It’s pronounced MEURGH and don’t you forget that.

Moon Boots
Bon mots

Moses Sumney
This dude is gonna part a sea during his set and it’s gonna be lit.

Motor City Drum Ensemble
Don’t let the name fool you, this is one man from Germany.

Noname
No joke then

Nothing But Thieves
Will make this year’s fest into #kleptochella if they do a B2B with Big Thief.

ODESZA
Still going.

Oh Sees
Like the letters, but words. Smart.

Omar-S
One Omar seems like quite enough.

Otoboke Beaver
Orinoco Flow

Pachanga Boys
I am not invested in Festival Culture but I feel it is built for acts like this.

Party Favor
Starting now, get 50 percent off all Halloween and Christmas related items!

Peggy Gou
Great in Mad Men.

Perfume Genius
Good Twitter.

Petit Biscuit
Only biscuit we acknowledge is cheddar bay.

Portugal. The Man
These guys sent us a cake once and it was pretty good.

Post Malone
Most Palone

Priests
God is dead but buzz bands aren’t.

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Princess Nokia
The Razr was much cooler, honestly.

PVRIS
No Nicole? Well, at least that DJ career is taking off, so good for her.

REZZ
That cousin of Russ who likes EDM

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever
Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying.

Ron Gallo
Extra from That 70s Show

Russ
Buddy…

San Holo
Not so sure about what you’re doing with these Star Wars Stories, Lucasfilm.

Señor Kino
Clearly superior to Señor Criterion Collection.

Sigrid
Sigrid Thornton also starred in ‘Inspector Gadget 2’

Sir Sly
And the family stone?

Skip Marley
Or give him a chance?

Slow Magic
" Don't Kill the Magic is a series of fantasy novels written by British author J. K. Rowling. The main story arc concerns Slow Magic's struggle against Magic! a Canadian reggae fusion band based in Toronto who intends to become immortal and overthrow the wizard governing body known as the Ministry of Magic."

Snail Mail
You still use AOL?

Snakehips
SPACESHIPS WERE MEANT TO FLLLLLYYYYYYY

Soulwax
wubwubwubwubwubBRRRRRRRRUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUM

St. Vincent
Still waiting on that reunion tour with The Grenadines.

Sudan Archives
Print is dead.

SuperDuperKyle
Theater dork, sorry.

SZA
Needs bigger font on the flyer.

Talaboman
Have you guys ever read The Name of the Wind?

Tank and the Bangas
Thomas and the Banga Engine

Tash Sultana
Use a napkin

The Black Madonna
So, Rihanna?

The Blaze
Those wildfires are no joke, guys.

The Bronx
Damn Desus and Mero had a hell of a year, huh?

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The Buttertones
Better than the Margarinetones.

The Delirians
And the City of a Thousand Bands.

The Drums
Sadly, also featuring other instruments.

The Marías
West Side Story cover band.

The Neighbourhood
Genrification

The Regrettes
THEESatisfaction

The War on Drugs
Trickle-down economics were apparently already booked up.

The Weeknd
Coke anthems for the children.

THEY.
WHOM?
MIKE JONES!

Tom Misch
From the creators of Fabolous and Ludacris comes, Mischellaneous

TroyBoi
Boy.

Tyler, the Creator
Has a show on VICELAND.

Vance Joy
Remember 2013?

Vince Staples
Wish he had a show on VICELAND.

Westside Gunn + Conway
Didn’t know that Bon Iver’s fragrance had a tribute band

Whethan
Sounds like a personally conflicted strain of wheat.

Wizkid
Like those Calvin and Hobbes bumper stickers?

X Japan
The best-selling sequel to W Japan.

Yaeji
Should’ve been higher on Noisey’s 2017 year end list.

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