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THE WEEKEND

VICE Canada Staff Recommendations for This Weekend

Go kayaking, you coward.
Images via Pixabay users StockSnap (left); thatsphotography

There is nothing better than when you finally walk out of work, or university, or whatever it is that you’ve sold your soul to, on a Friday knowing you have a two-day reprieve from the hell that is your professional life. However, with that freedom can come crippling indecision—a feeling of having this wide expanse in front of you and not knowing what to do with it.

But fear not, VICE Reader, we have some suggestions for you. They are as follows:

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Quit smoking and drinking.

That’s what one of our staff writers recently did, kiddos, and gosh he’s been fun lately. Just a ball of energy… not angry at all and a dream to party with. At the end of the day though, you should do this to be healthy and because you’re going to need those lungs for when the western empires finally fall and we’re thrust into a Mad Max-esque hellscape brought on by climate change.

Binge watch Parts Unknown .

The acclaimed series by Anthony Bourdain just came to Canadian Netflix, and if you haven’t seen it, well, you should rectify that. Crack a local beverage, eat some strange food, and watch one of the most charming men ever put on screen show you the world.

Masturbate all day.

Fuck it… we’re all going to die one day.

Make a smoothie.

You bought that blender for a reason, damnit!

Go canoeing.

Yeah, you read that right: a VICE article is recommending canoeing—like going out in a little boat on the water and paddling around all cute and shit. Canoeing fucking rules. Go canoeing. You scared, huh? You scared of a little fucking water? Of a little fucking boat? You little coward. Go canoeing. Do it. Canoe the fuck outta that lake.

Watch our new documentary on gun culture in America. What? You thought we were above this kinda self-plug? Well, you’re wrong.

Go to America and watch some preseason soccer.

Did you fall in love with the beautiful game during the World Cup and want to become an actual fan? Well, you’re in luck, because some of the best teams in the world go to America every summer for their respective preseasons. Why not head to Ann Arbor’s legendary Big House to watch Manchester United and Liverpool renew their fierce rivalry? If New York is more your thing, you could make a weekend out of it and head to New Jersey’s Red Bull Arena to watch Cristiano Ronaldo’s Juventus (shout out to tax evasion) play Benefica. Be sure to hit up all of Tony Soprano’s (RIP) favourite spots -- especially. Live on the west coast? Barcelona is playing Tottenham in Pasadena. Just don’t buy anything while you’re down there because, you know, trade war!!!!

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Smoke some weed, y’all.

Weed is only illegal for a couple more months in Canada, which means that you only have a couple months to feel like a badass while smoking it.

Watch reality TV in the form of MTV’s Floribama Shore .

Honestly, this week has been pretty tough, hasn’t it? Sometimes numbing your mind with the junk food form of visual entertainment is necessary. If you don’t think so, I’m sorry that your snobbery is keeping you from seeing this particular microcosm of humanity. You can think of it as a replacement to Jersey Shore, but entirely more southern since it’s set in Panama City Beach, Florida. If you haven’t seen it before, the show is already several episodes into its second season and is definitely binge-worthy.

Go to a Toronto Blue Jays’ game.

They suck, so tickets should be like $5, right?

Get off your couch and go to the beach.

All your friends have spent summer weekends posting on Instagram about being at the fucking beach. It looks like so much fun. Just look at them with their frisbees and concealed alcohol! You need to get in on that fun. If you don’t do it this weekend, when are you going to do it? It’s almost August. You’re running out of time. Slap on some SPF 40 and get to it.

Tweet some hate at the VICE Canada account.

Our socials teams love it!!! They can be reached at @vicecanada.

Call your parents and tell them you love them.

When was the last time you did this? Do it now.

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Do some squats.

This is an exercise people do, right?

Watch the documentary Tickled .

You may have noticed that new Netflix doc series Dark Tourist and were wondering who the the host is: He’s New Zealand journalist David Farrier, who co-directed the 2016 documentary Tickled. If you haven’t seen Tickled before and enjoy documentaries, this is required watching. It investigates the world of “competitive endurance tickling,” a strange and ultimately disturbing phenomenon that Farrier stumbled upon.

Get and play a chill game called No Man’s Sky .

I want to place emphasis on the “no man’s” when I explain this intergalactic introvert simulator. So you land on this procedurally generated planet (it’s different every time) packed to the brim with colour and creatures that resemble nothing you’ve seen before - your only job is to explore on your lonesome. What’s that weird thing over there? Let’s scan that shit. What’s that tall thing in the distance? Let’s discover that shit. Meanwhile you’ve got this surreal music by 65daysofstatic playing in your ear the entire time. This is what a nerd like me goes to when I want to escape the monotony of earth’s man’s. Buy this shit, grab your vice (blunt, drink etc) and escape.

Go into the woods and never come out. You will finally be free.

Say “ NO” more.

Ugh, it’s been six months and you gotta have that bi-annual coffee catch up with some schmuck you knew in high school even though you’re steadily drifting apart. Or… do you? Don’t let social obligation bully you into making plans you don’t want. Plans are supposed to make you feel good! The world is a vampire enough. Learn to say “ NO, I’m not going to your noise show with a 2 AM set time”; “ NO, racist cousin I’ve interacted with two times in my life, I’m not going to your farmhouse wedding”; “ NO, flirtatious co-worker who insists this coffee is ‘not a date,’ IT’S DEFINITELY A TRAP DATE.” There's always a significantly more fun option around the corner. No is self-care. Embrace its power.

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