Earlier this summer, an ominous-looking black granite sarcophagus was unearthed in Alexandria, Egypt—and, for more than three weeks, archaeologists, antiquities officials, and everyone who has seen The Mummy trilogy debated whether it should be opened. The concern was less about disturbing the final resting place of its unknown occupants, and more because removing its lid could plunge the world into a cursed darkness, overwhelming us with deep despair as the blackness that dwells within everyone is revealed. “Please, let us forget what we have seen,” we would scream, as we clawed at our own twisted faces. “Let us forget.”
But because 2018 is already cursed as shit, the Ministry of Antiquities pretty much slapped the stone lid, and said “Imagine how much unspeakable sorrow this bad boy can fit inside it.” Although even Egyptian officials were unsure what—or who—they would find inside this 2,000-year-old box, the results were slightly underwhelming. They also straight-up reeked.
According to the BBC, the archaeological team had lifted the lid by less than two inches but the stench was so overpowering that they had to abandon their efforts for an hour-plus. When the excavation resumed, they found three skeletons inside, surrounded by nasty reddish-brown water. The Ministry believes that the bones might belong to “three officers or military soldiers,” but they’re positive that the liquid is pure sewage.
“We've opened [the sarcophagus] and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness,” Mostafa Waziri, secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities, said. “I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus […] and here I stand before you […] I am fine."
But one British man thinks that we shouldn’t be fine, and that we should be allowed to can, carbonate and ultimately chug Egypt’s oldest bone broth. “We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die,” Innes McKendrick wrote in a Change.org petition that he has addressed to “The King of Skeletons, Egypt.”
In an interview with Metro, McKendrick said that this discovery allowed us all “to picture a brighter, more optimistic future in which the earth is blighted, torn apart and consumed piece by piece at the hands of furious immortal Egyptian gods.” Drinking the coffin water, he argues, would allow us to escape the virtual hellscape that we have unwittingly created on this planet by inviting centuries’ worth of pure Egyptian wrath to collectively devour us. (After watching the news all week, I would flat-out dunk my own head in the SarcophaJuice.)
“My expectation is that by brewing the Cursed Red Liquid from the Black Sarcophagus into a Carbonated High Caffeine Energy Drink we will not only be able to harness the greatest power source in its purest form, but develop a mass market product which looks and tastes Great too,” McKendrick told MUNCHIES. “I imagine it will taste similar to most other skeleton-derived soft drinks available in all good supermarkets today.”
I’m almost sold, but…what about the taste? “The most direct equivalent would probably be our previous attempt to doom the sun and earth through the consumption of Tide Pods,” he said. “However, while we failed in that case to crush our planet and civilization to dust at the hands of an ancient and reawakened darkness, I'm incredibly confident that consuming this skeleton juice will answer the drive for eternal damnation our campaign is fighting for.”
And even after decaying for two millennia and marinating in the excreta of thousands of Egyptians, there’s no way it’s worse than a Zombie Frappuccino.
Save me some, fam.