Evergreen question, but are men OK? The past few guys I’ve dated literally didn’t drink water unless I bullied them into downing a fresh glass of sink juice. It appears I am not the only girlfriend to face this mysterious, hydrophobic behavior: 21 Savage didn’t drink water regularly until he dated model and erstwhile Smirnoff spokeslady Amber Rose. (“She make me do shit that I don’t normally do,” he said in a 2017 interview with Real 92.3, “like take vitamins and drink water.”) It’s also not necessarily a guy thing, as this Mel report on “hydro haters” features interviews from people of all genders who can’t stand drinking H2O. (“Even if there are absolutely no other options [besides water], I usually just opt to not drink anything,” one woman said.) Still, I’ve only observed this phenomenon among men and have yet to find myself peer-pressuring a woman into drinking more water, lest her bones and skin and organs stop working and she dies from dehydration.
The subreddit r/AskMen contains a variety of responses to the question “How much water do you guys drink per day?” The responses range from one liter to six liters, though one guy, whose username is DirstenKunst, bristled at the mandate to drink more water. “Eight glasses… seems insanely high. Why would you guzzle water all day?”
Another user, GenitalDiddler, says he only drinks “2.” Two water per day. Just two. If these men are like this, are all men like this? Have you, male reader, drunk any water today? If not: Why? Do you know you’re not OK?
The Mayo Clinic recommends that the average man living in a temperate climate should consume about 15.5 cups (3.7 liters) of fluids per day. This, of course, doesn’t account for exercise (the more you sweat, the more water you should drink), health concerns (same rule, but replace sweat with vomit/diarrhea), or other factors.
I’m no expert, but I’ve stuck to a pretty regular water-drinking routine for the past [call drops] years of my adult life and I’m fine, I guess? If you, too, want to be fine, regardless of your gender, here’s what I recommend (especially to my boyfriends):
Drink two to four glasses of water first thing in the morning, like as soon as you wake up. Get that brain wet, baby—she’s in for a long day.
Drink a glass of water after every time you pee. You’re peeing out fluid, so put more fluid into your system. It’s kind of like Tantalus, but, hopefully, less cursed.
Is your pee dark yellow? You’re dehydrated! Partake in some watère.
Are you peeing about once every hour or two? Gorgeous! Fabulous! Smoky eye, updo, Gstaad!
Are you peeing more than once an hour? Stop drinking water for a little while! Wait a bit, friend. It is possible to drink so much water that your kidneys can no longer process it, so it then dilutes the sodium content of your blood. It’s this potentially fatal condition called hyponatremia, but that’s rare and really only something athletes have to worry about, according to the Mayo Clinic. My advice doesn’t have anything to do with that. I just don’t like having to pee that much. Unless… Is that why you guys don’t drink water? Because you don’t like peeing? I’ll have to look into this further, but first? Another glass of water…
Following these guidelines will not only keep you functioning normally by regulating your body temp, lubricating your joints (yes, really), and other keeping-you-alive stuff. It will also keep you looking young. When you’re dehydrated, your body pulls water from your tissues to maintain H2O concentration in your blood, which can make your eyes look sunken and your skin feel drier.
When I bring all of this up to men I’ve been seeing, they shrug and continue playing first-person shooter games on their phones. If only I could un-remember these most foul excursions into heterosexuality. Perhaps not drinking water will help?
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Harron Walker on Twitter .