A Bunch of Stuff That Lasted for Less Time Than "Despacito" Has Been Number 1

The Mooch, the accumulated lives of 111 mayflies, a literal war.
Lauren O'Neill
London, GB
August 29, 2017, 3:42pm
Image via YouTube

It is August 2017 and these are the facts: Trump is President, grass is green, and "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee, featuring Justin Bieber, is at the top of the Billboard Hot 100. It has been for 16 weeks now—four months if you prefer—and this is just how things are.

The Bieber remix of "Despacito," whichever way you look at it, is an irresistibly catchy, sexy, and danceable song, and can pretty much accept the crown as 2017's Song of the Summer. We live, quite happily, beneath the hulking shadow it casts from its place at the top of the charts, and its tenure there (currently matched only by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men's "One Sweet Day") will more than likely continue for a while yet. Anyway, to put it into perspective, here's a bunch of stuff that lasted for a shorter time than "Despacito" has spent at number one on the Billboard Hot 100:


"Into You" by Ariana Grande's time spent at number one on the Billboard Hot 100: 0 minutes
And is this not the biggest travesty of these, our modern times?

The Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896: 45 minutes
In the red corner we have the British Empire; in the blue corner it's the island of Zanzibar. Basically after the death of a Sultan his nephew staged a coup, did some dick-swinging, and assumed power. Then he got shelled to fuck by Britain (of course) and the whole thing stopped after 45 minutes. They could have just listened to "Despacito" 10 times, you know, instead of having a whole war about it. Would have been a lot more chill imo.

Anthony Scaramucci's time as the White House Director of Communications: 10 days
To be honest I've had sex that lasted longer than his moment in the sun so this comes as no surprise to anyone.

Every Olympic games: 14 days
The Olympics are only two weeks long meaning you could fit eight Olympic Games into the time period that "Despacito" has spent riding high on the top spot. That's math!

David Blaine's time in the glass box above the Thames: 44 days / six weeks and two days

They should have left him there.

Any health fad I have ever had: approx. eight weeks
Really only so many spiralized vegetables one person can eat.

The final season of American Idol: 13 weeks and one day
"Despacito"'s run at number one has officially been longer than literally the most never-ending thing.

The cumulative lifespan of 111 mayflies: 111 days / 15 weeks and 6 days
They live for a day, meaning that if they're lucky they might get to hear "Despacito" a few times before they croak.

Kind of wild when you think about time like this, right? How it's just fleeting past you, how long and short everything feels at once, huh? Almost like life is passing you by, almost like you've spent five years in a job you planned to do for six months. Wow. But hey! "Despacito" rules!

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