Orgasming to my most beloved songs has always been a fantasy of mine. When I was a horny youth I would listen to the hits of the 90s and imagine doing sex to TLC and Fiona Apple and the Cranberries and Seal. I wanted to kiss my soulmate while taking in the sweet sound of "Kiss from a Rose," as if I was a character in the most romantic film of all time: Batman Forever. But, when I started actually having sex I discovered that my musical fantasy was not nearly as carefree or whimsical or Seal-like as my horny young brain thought. Taking a timeout from intercourrse to hit play can sometimes be quite awkward and mood-killing and disastrous.
One time I was dating a drummer who possessed more knowledge about music than anyone who had ever been inside me. So when he requested that I play some tunes I began to anxiety-sweat at the thought of choosing an artist that he didn't cool-approve of. I panicked and quickly settled on Bright Eyes, which I didn't feel TOO terribly about. That is until he said in a tepid tone "Bright Eyes…yeah… I listened to them… in university." I didn't know what that tone meant but I cool-nodded in response. We then proceeded to have sex to "Lover I Don't Have to Love" which felt way too much like both of our internal monologues.
There was also the time that I had a one night stand with an improviser in Chicago who thought that aggressive dubstep was the key to getting me wet. I did not "Yes, And" that suggestion. Or the night that I played Enya's "Only Time" because the guy I was sleeping with reminded me of a closed off, suit-wearing Keanu Reeves in Sweet November. I then spent the entire romp trying to recall every plot detail of Sweet November. Or the year that my ex-boyfriend had squirrels in his roof and their running around became so rhythmic that it felt like we were making love underneath a production of STOMP.
But, who doesn't have tragic story after tragic story about having sex to music? Well, I asked some of my favourite comedians to share their preferred musical stylings for lovin' AND their own tales of personal disaster when the wrong song was played at the wrong time.
VICE: What kind of music (artist, band, genre) do you like to have sex to and why?
Jordan Foisy: I like prog rock with really complicated time signatures which I try to figure out during sex so I can last longer.
Courtney Gilmour: I know a lot of people are big on music but I've never curated anything specifically for sex. I think I've had sex to more episodes of Kitchen Nightmares than songs. If I were to pick I'd go for something very "Toronto hipster" and dreamy and ethereal like Bon Iver.
Steph Tolev: At the moment I am going to say The xx. Their newest album I See You is sexual yet fun at the same time. It's not too romantic, which works when I'm having sex with some idiot from Tinder. I don't want an 80s love song compilation to start playing. I want it to seem like we're still hanging out at a party, but now it's a personal party, in my room.
Jen Sakato: I never intentionally put on music for sexy times because much like New Year's Eve and summer camp I hate pre-planned expectations of having fun. BUT this one time my man was playing "Thru My Veins" by 100s and that was a crowd pleaser. The crowd being me and ma PUSS.
The Moon Safari
album. It's so sexy. I used to date a French woman who would put it on and oh no I'm about to text her. Also, "Like a Prayer" by Madonna. I used to play that song for my first love as a goof. I'd do this boob dance with my shirt over my head and we'd end up banging. I'll probably text her too.
Natalie Norman: I prefer the sound of silence. I get distracted easily. But if I'm feeling really good and I really like the person then I'll play Feist… I have yet to play Feist while having sex with someone.
Jhanelle Dennis: Janet Jackson or Jodeci when I'm feeling myself. DJ Khaled when I'm not and need some encouragement. I like "Would You Mind" by Janet Jackson in particular. Have you seen the Live in Hawaii concert footage on YouTube where she seduces the guy on stage who looks exactly like Obama? I'm always just trying to recreate that moment… but with guys who do not look like world leaders.
Nick Nemeroff: Weird Al Yankovic. The guy always somehow manages to put out the catchiest songs, really respect that.
Brandon Ash Mohammed: I actually don't have sex to music. It's weird as hell to me that people do that because music is oddly sacred to me. On the flip side, I tend to like very sexual music. My favourite artists are Lil' Kim and Madonna. When I was 13, I made a promise to never have sex to them. I've kept my promise.
What's the worst song that you've ever had sex to?
Courtney Gilmour: I love 90s R&B and hip-hop and in theory it seems like a perfect playlist for sex but then the lyrics instantly make you feel like you have a lot to live up to. "Pony" by Ginuwine is the quintessential sex song but then you're like, "…actually I'm not 100 percent sure if I can deliver on this level."
Jhanelle Dennis: The Boy Meets World theme song. It used to be my ringtone for a while. Kind of a bad time for mom to call…
Jordan Foisy: One time, a girlfriend and I were hooking up in the early days of our relationship and I had iTunes on shuffle. A mutual friend (who she had some romantic dalliances with) had also sent me some acoustic demos of his sad-sack songs and while we were lying in bed post-coitus one of those songs came on.
Brandon Ash Mohammed: I once accidentally had sex to Avril Lavigne's "Sk8ter Boi." Their neighbour was blasting it. It was fun, though? I think?
Nick Nemeroff: WTF with Marc Maron – Ep. 128 "Christopher Titus"
Ashley Moffatt: "Always Forever" by Cults. Great song, but it was ruined for me by an ex forever. Always forever…
Jen Sakato: One time, a metal guy I was seeing really needed to hear some Drop D while he was dropping his D, nawmsayin? So, he actually stopped mid-sesh, dusted off an LP and dropped the needle on some Sepultura. Call me a prude but something about the words "ROOOOOTS, BLOODY ROOOOOTS" didn't do it from me. Save it for the mosh pit, sicko!
Natalie Norman: Any song that I can sing along to. I WILL sing along and nobody likes that.
Steph Tolev: Well, sometimes I put my phone on random and by far the worst thing to ever come on was MY SKETCH COMEDY ALBUM! I like my sketch duo, Ladystache, but hearing my partner and I talk in character as two men is the most annoying thing that I've ever heard. The sound of my own voice does not turn me on, especially when I picture it with a moustache.
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