Mashups, as a concept, are controversial. Music mashups are generally trash, usually consisting of late 70s vocal tracks laid over a Skrillex beat, or two extremely boring pop songs combined because they’re written in the same key and tempo, to create an equally boring YouTube track. You know, something your university boyfriend would play on repeat while smoking weed and whispering under his breath, “damn … a masterpiece.”
Food mashups, on the other hand, can go either way. Some combinations are gross, such as the candy floss ice cream burrito, which makes my teeth hurt just writing about it. Others are almost acceptable, such as Marmite peanut butter, which at 4 PM every weekday, I have taken to spooning directly into my mouth. And then, as with anything spawned from the brain of two marketing execs trying to be “funny,” there is the conceptually wrong. This is the Cadbury Creme Egg-flavoured mayonnaise.
On April 1, Heinz and Cadbury announced a product, one that was a “brilliantly bonkers invention,” featuring “rich and creamy Heinz Seriously Good Mayonnaise blended with irresistible Cadbury Creme Egg goo and chunky milk chocolate pieces.” The big twist, it revealed to a largely apathetic British public, was that this was in fact NOT an April Fool!!!!!!! You got me, Cadbury comms department.
I first heard about the Creme Egg mayo via an email press release, which, because I couldn’t care less, left on read for several days. However, a week later, when I was offered a chance to try this new, pointless spread, I said yes. Of course. Because it sounded horrible.
As someone who now has two full jars of this weird Frankenstein's-monster-condiment in their fridge, let me just get this out there: Cadbury Creme Egg-flavoured mayo is wrong. It’s not wrong like “profoundly disgusting,” but wrong in a fundamental, conceptual way. Not only does Creme Egg mayo fail on a flavour level, but its form renders it essentially inedible. I mean, what the hell do you do with this thing? It’s sweet, not savoury, with chunks of chocolate mixed throughout, making it akin to Nutella or a white chocolate spread—maybe something you’d put on toast. Or pancakes? Except, it’s goddamn mayonnaise, and what kind of monster spreads that on toast? And it contains mustard!!! What the fuck!!!! The whole thing is like a confusing riddle, the answer to which I do not want to know.
Eventually, what Cadbury and Heinz leave you with is refrigerated goo and a slight aftertaste of egg. Even if, after spooning Creme Egg mayo into my mouth multiple times (the things I do for you, readers), I wanted to actually incorporate the condiment into my diet, I would see no other way to do so other than by eating it straight from the jar.
Which I have no desire to do with 800 grams of cold, sugary mayonnaise.