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Vice Blog

WE HATE OURSELVES


Photo by Liz Rywelski

I have recently come across a few of the stupidest things ever made. All of them involve making you look prettier in ridiculous ways, and yes, I realize that many people do idiotic things to make themselves look better, but this stuff is masochistic. It makes me wonder if the people using these things are trying to punish themselves for something. It makes me think we hate ourselves. Now, I don't know if women hate themselves more than men, but based on the shit below, which is all targeted at women, I'd say there's a pretty good chance.

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Because of the whole consumer-driven society thing, I can't imagine any of these products will stand the test of time once people realize how fucking idiotic they are, so let's take a look at them now, while they are all still for sale.

REJUVENIQUE FACE MASK

Fair warning to my future wife: If I come home and you are wearing that thing on your face, I will kill you. Blame it on horror movies if you want, but if I walk in the door and see Voorhees/Myers dressed in my wife's clothes I will grab anything around me that could kill a person and hit you really hard with it.

This thing is basically one of those fancy massaging chairs at Sharper Image for your face. A 9-volt battery stimulates nerves in different parts of your face for about 15 seconds each, starting in the forehead and slowly moving down to the chin. In the video you can see the lady's eyeball twitching inside the mask.

I don't know, I guess this thing is pretty OK if you want a buff face. As the spokesman puts it, "If you can get the idea of what doing eight sit-ups a second would do for your stomach, you have an idea of what Rejuvenique would do for your face."

PORTABLE SAUNA

This is a retarded woman who has somehow gotten trapped inside of an air conditioning cover. Just kidding, this is a retarded woman inside a portable sauna. Yes, the Wellness Infrared Portable Sauna by Verseo is designed to increase blood flow, rejuvenate skin, and probably a couple of other things that couldn't possibly be worth sitting inside that silver sack. It's the above-ground pool of saunas.

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VAJACIALS

This isn't really a "product," so much as a treatment that involves throwing fruit and Clearasil into your vagina. But it still costs money, so I'm including it. It's supposed to make your lady bits all smooth and acne free using papaya and a combination of creams. If you're on the fence about getting a vajacial, just watch the video above to get berated about how disgusting your vagina is without one. "If your bikini line isn't up to par nobody is going to want to go near it and no one is going to want to look at it and if I were you I wouldn't show it, so you definitely want to do a vajacial at least once a week." Yeah, vaginas without a bunch of stuff on them are gross.

SLIM MOUTH PIECE

So you've got a muscle-bound face, a portable sauna, and a blemish-free vagina, the only thing you need to work on now is that small ass mouth of yours. Thank god for the Slim Mouth Piece. Just stick this little plastic thingy in your pie hole, sit back, and watch your mouth stretch to Steven Tyler proportions. The Slim Mouth is supposed to make your head look smaller by making your mouth bigger and not, as I had originally thought, designed for girls with big-dicked boyfriends. Still, secretly stretching out your mouth and then telling your boyfriend you think his dick is shrinking would be a pretty good prank.

JONATHAN SMITH