This May has been all about sociopaths. New York magazine published a fascinating and macabre article on diagnosing child sociopaths, This American Life re-ran an entire episode dedicated to the testing for psychopathy, and the New York Times reviewed Jon Ronson's new book, The Psychopath Test. So, it's fair to say that being cruel and out of your mind is the new "it" mental illness. Take the official 2012 Diagnostic Test below to find out if you are America's Next Top Psycho!
1. When Mufasa died in The Lion King you…
a. Had the most intense orgasm of your life.
b. Burst into tears.
c. Made a donation to Sierra Club.
2. When you saw your friend's newborn kitty you…
a. Totally melted.
b. Had an allergy attack.
c. Tried to inhabit its body using the dark arts.
3. For you and your wife's 15-year anniversary you…
a. Took her on a cruise to Aruba.
b. Got in a fight about doing the dishes and almost got a divorce.
c. Made love on a pile of used wigs.
4. Your favorite place to relax is:
a. A musty crawlspace.
b. A beach in the South of France.
c. Any place that serves booze.
5. Your ideal mate…
a. Is rich and gorgeous.
b. Has no dental records.
c. Laughs at your jokes.
6. Your favorite thing to do with your best friend is…
a. Make piñatas full of dead pigeons.
b. Share your hopes and dreams.
c. Talk shit and watch movies.
7. Your car's bumper sticker says:
a. I'd rather be fishing.
b. I'm not a bitch, I just play one in real life.
c. My other car is an underground prison.
8. Right now you are reading…
a. Tale of Two Cities.
b. Everything you Wanted to Know About Bats and Worms but Were Too Afraid to Ask.
c. Us Weekly. Does that count as "reading"?
9. Your favorite food is…
b. Fingers (not chicken).
c. Creamy shrimp scampi.
10. In high school you won…
a. Sexiest eyes.
b. Most likely to rot in a Mexican jail.
c. Teacher's pet.
11. What's in your freezer?
a. Frozen pizza bagels.
b. 42 Below Chocolate Vodka.
c. Your old identity.
12. For your birthday you want…
a. A facelift.
b. A tummy tuck.
c. The leftover skin from those surgeries.
13. Your catchphrase is…
a. Work hard, play hard.
b. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
c. Heads will roll.
14. Your favorite emoticon is…
a. The silly one with his tongue sticking out.
b. The vague smirk where you can't tell what thoughts are bubbling below the surface.
c. The smiling poop.
15. Your favorite sexual position is:
c. Honestly, as long as the corpse is still fresh, I'm happy. I'm pretty easy-going about that stuff.
Results: If you took this test and are reading these words right now, you are a sociopath.