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Vice Blog

Meet The Nieratkos: How to Give Your Friend Another DUI

Playing gags on friends is America's #1 past time. Who doesn't enjoy peeing in their pal's mouth when they're passed out on the couch or hiding their buddy's kid for a few days to make him think it was kidnapped? It's that kind of funny fun time that is the glue that holds this great country together and makes it great.

One gag that is pretty exclusive to America is the old "giving your friend a second DUI," mostly because drunk driving is not only accepted around the world but also encouraged. Why America has such a problem with it I'll never know. I mean, more people die from natural causes than drunk driving accidents and we don't make that illegal!

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Before I start, I insist that the information I am about to give you only be used in the name of comedy and not for evil.

Step one: Help a friend get a DUI. Whatever it takes, do it. Get them wasted and insist they drive home. Or call them at the bar and tell them you need a ride to the hospital and then call the cops and say, "There's an erratic driver in a white Kia swerving around my neighborhood, WHERE BLIND CHILDREN LIVE! Send a squad car to check it out." This gag doesn't work if your friend doesn't already have 1 DUI.

Step Two: Find out what judge is handling your friend's DUI case and write them a letter saying your friend has a drinking problem and his High Holiness should make him get one of those Breathalyzers installed in his car. (This gag doesn't work without the Breathalyzer. And we can't leave comedy up to the court system's discretion.)

Step C: You'll need to either learn to hot wire a car or get your friend's car keys.

Here's a list of other things you'll need:

-A 12-pack or nice bottle of scotch.

-A mouth

-A center punch or a spark plug

-A 2' x 2' sheet of contact paper.

-A digital camera with flash (camera phones suck.)

-An HD Video camera (No one shoots in anything less than HD anymore.)

Step 9: Smash your friend's car window. This will help extend the gag because your friend will never suspect it was you that got him/her a DUI. He'll blame a faceless thief. It will also create some hilarious banter between your friend and the cop for you to film. Any patrolman bucking for detective is going to think your pal broke his own window to create an alibi. Because who breaks into cars just to blow into someone's Breathalyzer and give them a DUI???

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(Tips on breaking the window: Only assholes smash windows. It's amateur, it's messy, and we still have work ahead of us inside the car and glass fragments all over the seat run the risk of slicing your butt cheeks open and you bleeding to death. So either use a hammer and break up the porcelain on the spark plug so that when you throw it at the window the glasses makes a nice spider web or use the center punch for the same effect. I always suggest slapping a piece of contact paper on the window first to hold the glass together for easy removal. Don't get fingerprints on the contact sheet, dummy.)

Step 10: Get wasted. I prefer to do my drinking in my friend's car and leave my empties behind to really sell the gag but you can drink in advance. You can start really early in the morning if you like; I don't care. Just make sure you're good and tuned up because if you blow anything less than a .03 then you've just wasted a perfectly good spark plug.

Step 11: Start blowing. The machine you're working with most likely will be the Drager XT Interlock Device. It won't work without either the keys in the ignition or the car hot-wired and primed for action. You have 5 minutes to blow into it before the car will be shut down for 15 minutes. You blow in for 4 seconds and then suck back once it clicks. The machine beeps every 15 minutes for a re-test while the car is in motion. You have to breath a .03 or higher twice or more for your friend to get his DUI.

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Step 12: Call the cops, report another erratic driver. Then go wake up your drunk, passed out friend and tell him someone broke into his car.

Step 13: Open another beer, sit back, hit record and enjoy.

Step 14: The reveal. This step is really up to you and what you think is funniest. Sometimes I can't keep a secret and I tell my friend it was me as soon as I go bail him out. Sometimes I tell all our friends first. Sometimes I wait until he's paid all his fines, done a few days jail time and lost his job before telling him. And man, the look on their face is fucking priceless. If you thought the old "Sleep with my best friend's girlfriend" gag yielded hilarious results, you are going to love this one.

(Sidenote: Feel free to practice on complete strangers before attempting on your friends. Just look for the Drager sticker in the window.)

CHRIS NIERATKO

For more funny go to chrisnieratko.com