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Vice Blog

POP VOX - VALENTINE'S DAY LOVIN'

Valentine's Day is the biggest pile of shit on the Gregorian calendar and everyone knows it. What's it good for? Eating chocolate and fucking? People do that every day. No need to make a whole holiday out of it. The only positive thing that might come out of today is a bit of boudoir experimentation in the spirit of expanding boundaries on this day devoted to fancy dinners and lovemaking.

In an effort to find out the sort of stuff that's going to be happening all over the world tonight, we asked a few people about their freakiest Valentine's Day fucking. Oh, and if they were boring and didn't have any sordid stories we asked them about their shittiest V Day.

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Vice: What is the weirdest sex you can remember having on Valentine's Day?
Ian: Well, my girlfriend is in Portland--that's where I'm from. So there's nothing too weird. I'm probably just going to go home and spank it. You know. Get some chocolates and let them melt in my pocket.

What's the strangest sex stuff you've ever done on Valentine's Day?
Jon's girlfriend: I'm going to walk away. You can say whatever you want.
Jon: Well, I don't know. My girlfriend and I have been together for four years now, and…
Jon's girlfriend: We haven't had sex yet today.
Jon: Since she's right here, I guess the worst sex I've had on Valentine's Day was with my ex-girlfriend, during my senior year of high school. One time while I was dating that girl I went to the grocery store to buy condoms, and as I was walking through the aisles I saw my girlfriend's dad. He saw me and came over and I had to quickly hide them behind my back and be like, "Hello." I really wasn't expecting that.

Hi. What's the dirtiest boning you've participated in on Valentine's Day?
Elizabeth: I'm not a big Valentine's Day person. I don't have a shitty sex story, but the worst experience I remember was in middle school. This kid was my Valentine and when I saw him in the hallway he had this gigantic bag of candy from Duane Reade, and he just threw it at me and walked away. "Happy Valentine's Day." It was Twizzlers and all this other stuff.

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You look like a real freak. What's the nastiest you've gotten on Valentine's Day?
John: OK, this is going to take a minute. Last Valentine's Day I was working on a weird sex book with this girlfriend of mine. We had kind of a boring relationship and we were trying to save it by working on this sex book together. The sex we were having for the book was all either public sex or really racy and weird. She was 18 and I was 30. After sex we took my dick, wrapped it around her wrist, and drew a little watch on it. Then on her other hand we wrote, "Time to cum." It's a good photo. Good Valentine's, too.

What public places would you have sex in?
All over San Francisco, since that's where we were living at the time. Um, city buses… we tried to do it with kids around--playgrounds and stuff. Glass elevators with nice views of the city. Basically whatever landmarks we could find.

I stopped listening after the thing about the kids. I'm going to leave now. Bye.

Can you remember your worst Valentine's Day?
Jill: Yeah, when I was living in Minneapolis my boyfriend at the time, we didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day, but we went out to the bar with our friends and this one guy was really getting in my boyfriend's face--telling him that he should be allowed to have sex with me and that my boyfriend shouldn't be upset about it. It was very upsetting. I remember going home and crying, I was so insulted by his demeanor. That was not a very good Valentine's Day.

What's the most bizarre thing you've done in the bedroom on Valentine's Day?
Michelle: On Valentine's Day? I remember some weird sex that wasn't on Valentine's Day. It was with my current boyfriend. Can I be vulgar?

By all means.
I don't want him coming out and seeing this. We had just starting going out and I was like, "Oh, baby. I'm new to this, I'm very inexperienced." And he's like, "OK, I'll help you through things." And I was like, "Well, I never… I never tasted sperm before." And he's like, "Alright. We'll try this out." We were being intimate and going through it, and he didn't warn me. He ejaculated, and when he did I spit it on his stomach. That was embarrassing but it was very funny. We just laughed it off.

INTERVIEWS BY RYAN THEODORES