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Torch-bearers will have to spend a lot of time dodging Glasgow's 200-odd 'Young Teams' if they are to ensure the sacred flame is kept alight. These include the imaginatively titled likes of 'Young High End Ziggy Fleet', and the 'Gallowgate Mad Squad'. Local celebrities and minor politicians who wish to run with the torch for photo opportunities will have to move quickly to avoid the fate of Bryan Hanlon, 26, who, in August of last year, was forced from the road by members of a rival Young Team, and had what the Daily Record coyly termed his 'manhood' removed with a chisel.Most likely form of stunt protestor who will try and grab the torch:
Scottish Nationalist protesting what he sees as a historically inaccurate English claim to have invented fire.Protester most likely dressed as:
Giant ashtray.Chance superstitious locals will beat torch-holder to death if non-white:
Minimal.CLEETHORPES

Low. In 2008, for the area of Cleethorpes that extends from the end of Alexandra Road down to Daubney Street, statistics announced at a local meeting by PCSO Andy Barlow indicated that, in terms of class A crime: "There have been 11 burglaries to homes and other premises such as sheds.” This would indicate to us that most of the really intense shootout-style gangland activity is confined to the area beyond Alexandra Road.
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Disgruntled ex-fisherman enraged by EU’s upping of Icelandic cod quota.Most likely costume for stunt protestor who will try and grab the torch:
Giant pilchard tin.Chance superstitious locals will beat torch-holder to death if non-white:
High.MANCHESTER

Mancunians prefer no-nonsense stout British names for their gangs – both the Doddington Gang and Gooch Gang will be names on the trembling lips of tracksuit-clad flame-bearers trotting through their territory. They will take comfort from the news that many of their more vicious acts descend into farce. In 2006, for instance, Richard Austin, and Carlton Alveranga, attempted to carry out a hit on David Totton in a Salford pub. Sadly their guns jammed and they were quickly shot dead by fellow patrons. Let's hope the Doddington crew are shot dead by flame security should any similar incident arise.Most likely stunt protestor who will try and grab the torch:
'Sack Glazer' Man United football twat.What protestor will likely be dressed as:
Glazed ham inside a sack.LIVERPOOL

Liverpool loves guns – simply adores them, illegality be damned. The likes of the Crocky Crew and the Nogga Dogs have been popping caps in each other's bottoms for years, including the famed New Year's Day hit in 2004 by the Nogga Dogs on Crocky Crew's Danny McDonald. Despite the fact that they have extraordinarily stupid names, the gangs of Liverpool present a real threat to the torch's journey. It will take more than the scheduled appearance by Carl Lewis to outrun one of their speeding bullets.
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Slutwalker.Protester most likely dressed as:
Slut.NORTH LONDON

One of the most well-organised Turkish gangs in North London, the Tottenham Boys have run prostitution rings, drug rings, gun rings, fraud rings – in fact, they have so many rings that they're practically the Olympic logo in themselves. In a bit of stylish self-branding, in addition to putting guns to their targets' heads, they have also often put kebab knives to their throats. They are presently engaged in a bitter, bloody feud with their rivals in the heroin trade, the Bombacilar, that has resulted in a spate of murders since 2009, when a motorcyle gunman shot dead Otkay Erbasli as he sat at traffic lights in his Range Rover. So, not stopping at lights would be good advice for anyone carrying a torch.Potential for torch to be extinguished by someone who really loves Tibet:
Low.Danger that a junior cabinet minister will organise a series of minor grime artists into an excruciating ‘youth festival’ for the underprivileged when torch arrives in Haringey:
High to Very High.BELFAST

A legacy of the troubles, there are over 180 gangs presently suspected to be operating in Belfast, some direct offshoots of the UDA or other paramilitaries. Many have continued their proud tradition of race-hate, as they battle new waves of immigrants. In 2004, Hua Long Lin was at home watching television when a gangster burst in and smashed a racially-motivated brick into his face, and just last month, a man walking down the Ormeau Road was beaten by a gang with iron bars and had his wrist slashed in another racial incident. Torch-bearers should therefore be chosen with an eye to not standing out in what some are dubbing the 'race-hate capital of Europe'. It’s Hitler’s torch, so just keep him in mind today, and we’ll all be fine (so long as no one mistakes it for a petrol bomb).
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High.Chance that sight of human spirit-symbolising torch will finally bring comprehensive peace to rebel province:
Anything's possible with Seb Coe.SOUTH LONDON

The torch will need to keep its head down to avoid attracting the attention of the Peckham Boys. In 2007, Marlon Granderson, their 25-year-old leader, was jailed after being found in possession of a Mac 10 sub-machine gun, a few handguns and silencers, 379 rounds of ammunition, 60,000 fake ecstasy pills, ten ounces of marijuana and thousands of pounds-worth of blow. A year earlier, 50 thugs from the gang went on a rampage through New Cross that ended in the murder of Jason Gale Brent. I think this period of the procession needs to either be treated as a sprint, or treated to the protection of the "Peckham Terminator".Potential for the torchbearer to posthumously become part of cynical bleeding-heart Evening Standard anti-knife crime campaign following murder:
Whopping.
