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A&E makes me sick

Sally visits Viceland while she works as a receptionist in the accident and emergency ward of a South London hospital. She wrote us an insider's guide to surviving A&E - helpful hints for victims of

date-rape, car crashes, muggings, disease, drugs & hospital vending machines

READER SUBMITTED

Deer Vice

Dear

Vice

,

Your posts have been sucking lately so I thought I'd let you in on a this interesting theory I've been working on. It is this: the animal kingdom has a way wider

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spectrum of happiness

than we do. At one end of the spectrum there are animals like deer and pygmy shrew that live in a level of hell only the bible can describe and at the other end there's animals (mostly birds) that live a life of pure euphoria. All of our experience (all 6 billion of us) have lives that fall well within the confines of these two extremes. None of us have lives that are as shitty as a pygmy shrew (not even close) and none of us, no matter how high we get, will never comprehend the joy a turkey vulture has. This subject is considered taboo by most animal folks because they think it will lead to less animal rights for the losers…

INTERVIEW:

SARAH SILVERMAN

She has always been a loser. She grew up as

the only Jew in New Hampshire

and that made her legs seem super hairy her whole childhood. Then she went to NYU and things started to look up but then—fart—she discovered she was allergic to booze. Then she went to L.A. to become a movie star, but was told she was too Jewy (unlike Winona Horowitz who made it rich as Winona Ryder). As of this year, however, things have finally started to look up. Who's laughing now, you New Hampshire goy cocksuckers!

INTERNET

Don't Stalker

Leave it to the internet to prove us extremely wrong. One of the guys at

Gimix Toys

(the company who makes them) decided it'd be a lark to give each of the figs their own myspace page, and was rewarded for his effort by being made the receiving end of the most oblivious cyber-stalking we have ever witnessed. It'd be one thing if this was just another case of unrequited

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man-doll affection

, but check the second email (please note these are all from the same guy, over the space of a couple weeks), have a quick glance at

Becky's page

, and try to conceive of a horniness so deep and pervasive it would drive a 29-year-old man to lay out his innermost feelings in the emails below without questioning why someone would name themselves Beckydon'tdoll and include an ad in which they, as a toy, were available for sale.

Oh, internet

CRIME

How to smuggle a kitten

I just came back from Brazil and I

smuggled a kitten

over on the plane with me!

MUSIC

Quiet Riot

A little town in the far north west of Australia with the largest Aboriginal community in the country and is being torn apart by gangs who take their names directly from their favourite metal bands. Pretty much everyone who lives in Wadeye (pronounced Wad-air) is a member of one of the two main gangs —

The Judas Priest Boys and the Evil Warriors

(the name of a song by Florida death metal band, Possessed)…

ADVICE

How to a playlist for a girl

First of all, making a mix for a girl you don't know that well or for a girl that dumped you is the worst thing you can do. She will be lying in bed with the guy she really likes and they will both laugh their heads off at you for putting U2 on there. You can only

make a playlist for a girl

that you have fucked more than twice and she has to have thoroughly enjoyed herself both times (so, if you had trouble getting it up the first time then it doesn't count and your "two times" has to start on the second lay)…

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POLITICS

The British National Party

party hardy

NEWS

Cut off AIDS

A foreskin is like

an AIDS catcher

. It is made of cells that the virus can infect easily and, according to a recent scientific study, the warm environment under the hood helps the disease to thrive. If all men were circumcised, the report concludes, millions of HIV infections would be prevented…

CULTURE

Dog death squads

Over 50,000 dogs were exterminated in China by the government this week. Dogs being walked were forcibly taken from their owner's leashes and

battered to death

on the spot. Pets hidden indoors were flushed out at night by club-carrying men roaming the villages, yelling and screaming in order to set dogs barking. Distraught dog owners were offered 40p in compensation…