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NEW YORK - WHO THE FUCK CAST THIS THING?

April 14, 2009, 8:51pm

Seriously, have they actually seen an episode of Gilligan's Island? This whole cast is completely wrong. For starters, Gilligan was a bumbling doofus idiot, not some John Leguizamo chatterbox idiot. Look at this guy's little wiseguy, kissyboy smirk--can you picture Bob Denver ever making that face? Really? Even if he wanted to, I bet he'd have to strain so hard just to contort his facial muscles against their will that the end result would look like Satan taking a shit.

Fucking up Gilligan is pretty bad considering he's the title character, but just look at what they did to the rest of the crew. The Skipper is some sort of John Wayne powertop, Ginger's got fucking brown hair, the Millionaire looks like someone drew a face on the back of a fake tit while his wife just stepped off the set of a Billy Joel video, and they picked the dweebiest, most accountantly demeanored Jew on the planet to play the Professor. Are they out of their minds? The Professor was the Island heartthrob! Its "Lothario"! And they pick some guy who looks like his name's probably Thad.

What's even more infuriating is that this whole mess could have been averted with a little creative shuffling. All you have to do is make the Millionaire Skipper, then Skipper becomes the Professor, the Professor plays Gilligan, and finally you age up Gilligan's face a little and there's your Millionaire. Done. And for the girls all you have to do is swap "Ginger" with the Millionaire's Wife and get them to dye their hair. Or fuck it, you could just keep the same girls as they are but have them dye their hair the right color. I mean, how simple is that? Was nobody at all thinking on this porno shoot? Do they even like Gilligan's Island? Cause, I've got to say, it's a sad day in x-rated parodies when the only element of your source material you get even close to right are the tanlines on Maryanne's rack (who, BTW, still needs freckles).

Oh shit. Wait. I see now. This AIN'T Gilligan's Island. Boy is there egg on my face. Whew, I was really worked up there for a second. Good one, Hustler Video Productions.

TERRY HAND