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I’ve always operated with the view that people drinking alcohol on public transport are best left alone. I try to avoid sitting next to that guy. He probably smells bad, has mental health issues, and might try to start some shit. Simply carrying an open can/bottle is a giveaway. You might as well be carrying a warning flag that says "Wahay!" It's the appendage of a dickhead. And that’s why I’m against the forthcoming ban on booze on London’s buses, tubes and trains. It takes away that vital visual clue as to whether a guy is a civilian or sociopath. Without seeing the alcoholic accessory, I feel less capable of spotting potential trouble.


Without his Special Brew I would not be able to tell on sight whether that beardy old man is going to reek of corpse. Without their WKDs it becomes more difficult to determine whether that gang of girls are carrying knives.

The new Mayor’s edict, unlike last year’s smoking ban, won’t make London a less anti-social place. It will just make it more unpredictable. Drunk crazies will still use public transport. They’ll just be harder to spot.

To mark the upcoming alcohol ban on public transport, our friend Chris decided to take a hold-all full of booze and two buddies onto the Circle Line and not leave the network until there was sick…

"Boozing on the tube is really lame and here's why. First of all, drinking cans of cider is actually quite a tricky test of bladder control. You need to time it to coincide with mainline train stations that have toilets. It’s a pain and has the potential to be very embarrassing.

"Drinking on the tube is also boring because everyone else is sober. They all sat there silently judging us while we gingerly sipped our drinks. The introduction of hard liquor perked us up, but even then, being out in public only brought out the worst, loudest, most uncouth traits in us.

"The lack of music on the underground isn't conducive to partying. We played some tunes off my phone and sang along. No other commuters joined in. A couple of attractive girls came onto the carriage but, even though our inhibitions had been reduced by the alcohol, we didn’t try chatting to them. Too creepy.

"And so with painful predictability we drunkenly clambered onto the handrails, laughing hysterically and pouring cider over each other. It was around this time that other commuters started to get up and leave. By this point I'd also had enough. Getting drunk on the tube totally sucks."


* There are a couple of subterranean parties happening on the tube before the ban on June 1. I’m sure they’ll be shit.