Records

OUR NEW RATING SYSTEM:

Great. Buy it.

Fuck this shit. Don’t buy it.

J DILLA

The Shining

BBE

Signature dirty drums, spacey samples, and lush analog synths run though this beautiful posthumous release by the greatest producer that ever did it. All the while Madlib, Black Thought, Common, and Pharoahe Monch eloquently complement Dilla’s last words.

BLAQUE PAK

BEST ALBUM OF THE MONTH

DEAD MOON

WORST ALBUM OF THE MONTH

SEAN LENNON

BEST COVER OF THE MONTH

HOLY SHIT

WORST COVER OF THE MONTH

PARTYLINE

JR WRITER

History in the Making

Diplomats/Koch

Look, Vice loves Dipset and Dipset loves Vice, but unfortunately, we can’t really pay close attention to this album at the moment because Jim Jones’s got us all… baaaaalliiiin’!

YOUNG NIZZLE

RICK ROSS

Port of Miami

Def Jam

As much as we’ve hyped the big homie Ross, this album ain’t really all that. We thought dude was going to pull a 2006 Jeezy. Instead, he came in a bit generic, yo. We’re talking hit-or-miss rhymes and bland production. And although you may find a cool Runners beat here (“Where My Money”) and a retarded Lil Wayne hook there (“I’m a G”), nothing on the record is nearly as grandiose as Ricky’s breakout hit “Hustlin.” Ah well.

BUSTA NUT

DJ SHADOW

The Outsider

Geffen

There’s some interesting things on here but overall, it doesn’t really work. I never thought I’d say this, and maybe it has something to do with the Fred Durst goatee, but DJ Shadow is so 90s.

SMUTTY RUFF

"; } ?>

THE ROOTS

Game Theory

Def Jam

Man, I was really looking forward to shitting on ?uestlove yet again on this one. In the past, for the enjoyment of you and yours, I haven’t shied away from calling this self-righteous, politically correct, walking, talking blog the worst thing that ever happened to black music, namely because he does way too much of the one thing rap musicians should never do: Think. And when I heard the dreadful single “Don’t Feel Right,” I said to myself: “There he goes again, ruining yet another Roots album.” Boy was I way off.

Game Theory

is actually the best Roots album since

Things Fall Apart

(if not

Illadelph

) and believe it or not (I know you don’t), a sure contender for record of the year. Dark, obtuse, and overproduced in all the right ways, this is one of the rare instances where hyperintelligent rap works. Shit, it’s been out for a couple of months now and everybody’s still sleeping. Just disregard the first single and listen to the whole record, through and through, on headphones. You’ll see—sometimes it feels kind of good to be wrong.

MACHO

SQUAREPUSHER

Hello Everything

Warp

How about an interest in jazz for closing off any exciting direction electronica might have gone in. This feels like being put on hold in the not-too-distant future.

TIM HANKERS

SOULWAX

Nite Versions

Modular

I went to Ghent, Belgium, and crashed in David from Soulwax’s house. Holy shit does he have an amazing DVD collection. I barely went outside cuz I just wanted to watch TV the whole time. But when I did go outside, there were little Soulwax logos stenciled on the sidewalks all over town. They’re like THE band in Ghent. (They’re also the super-famous club group 2 Many DJs—you know, the guys who basically created the whole mash-up craze of the early 00s.) The other greatest thing in Ghent aside from Soulwax is a 12th-century castle smack dab in the middle of the city with a torture museum inside it. Did you know they had ball gags all the way back in the Middle Ages? They called them “anxiety pears.” I think Soulwax should write a song called “Anxiety Pears.” I also think Soulwax is a great band. The Europeans are already all over this shit. But if you’re not European, let me tell you that Soulwax is like an old-school, Daft Punk-style techno/rock combo that you’d be psyched on if you heard it in a club and were sweaty and on drugs and just wanted to fuckin dance, man. And I’m not just saying that cuz I ate all their cereal.

KELLY AMNER

WHITEY

The Light at the End of the Tunnel Is a Train

Dim Mak

Vice UK

apparently gave this a good review when it was released over there. I’m here to set the record straight: This blows. The Brit review said it was “the missing link between Nirvana and Fischerspooner, a cocaine classic.” Well, I like two of those things and this leans heavily toward the third.

NOT A FISCHERSPOONER FAN

DEAD MOON

Echoes of the Past

Sub Pop

Dead Moon are the survivalists of rock. They press their own records, used to put everything out on their own label, and even built their own house. They’ve had at least two documentaries made about them so far and they’re also grandparents. The drummer keeps an upside-down bottle of Jack Daniels attached to his drum kit with a melty candle burning on it while he plays and then he pours beer on his drums and drops go flying up everywhere and his hair is all wet and it looks awesome. If you took every band in the world and fit them all on the head of a pin and then multiplied that pin by a bamillion, you might begin to approach the level of rockingness this band has achieved. They should be on a fucking stamp.

SMOKE-AHONTAS

THE MELVINS

A Senile Animal

Ipecac

Amy:

Hey Lesley, do you think only boys really like the Melvins?

Lesley:

I dunno, I like

Houdini

.

Amy:

Yeah, but they have like 50 more albums.

Lesley:

Oh. Then yeah.

AMY AND LESLEY

BOB SEGER

Essential Seger

Capitol

I

love Bob Seger. “Night Moves”? “Hollywood Nights”? “We’ve Got Tonight”??? Could dude even write a bad song? Well, OK, “Old Time Rock & Roll” is up there in the top ten most annoying rock songs ever written (in a snuggle sandwich between “Johnny B. Goode” and “Born to Be Wild”), and yeah, Chevy ruined “Like a Rock” forever, but other than that, THIS is music the way it should be: Gravelly-voiced, coked-up, American heartland rock jams and karaoke-gold power ballads. I even like “Katmandu” ever since they used it in

Freaks and Geeks

, in the episode where the boys go to that make-out party and Bill ends up making out with the snobby cheerleader in the closet. I cried when that happened.

MEG SNEED

CATFISH HAVEN

Tell Me

Secretly Canadian

Whoa, this is some fucking catchy, gravelly-voiced heartland rock! Seriously, did they travel into the future and read my Bob Seger review before making this album or something? A gruff-looking, long-haired fellow with a big set of pipes and a beard to match? Yes, please. If I played the first three songs on this album for you and told you it was some obscure

70s AM Gold

stuff, you’d totally lie and be all, “Oh, of course, Catfish Haven, I’ve been into their shit forever.” I’m so happy someone’s still making music like this. This band rules.

MEG SNEED

DANAVA

S/T

Kemado

Oh, it seems that we have some sci-fi-focused prog-rock here. Why don’t you just tour junior-high science fairs and win the triple crown of nerddom?

COOL KID

THE BLOOD BROTHERS

Young Machetes

V2

The only good thing about trendy noise-rock bands is they always have funny/cool song names. Sure, “Set Fire to the Face on Fire,” “Huge Gold AK-47,” and “You’re the Dream Unicorn!” are exciting to read, but then you listen to it and they’re so serious and angry! They’re not funny at all! These are misleading and dishonest song titles and that is wrong. More accurate ones would be “Meet Me at the Bar in Brooklyn” or “I’m a Screamy Young Man and I Probably Wear Sweatbands a Lot.” It’s just so… oh man, it’s exhausting trying to care about this.

JON MCGUIRK

THE HOLD STEADY

Boys and Girls in America

Vagrant

This band is on Vagrant? Really? Somehow I don’t see fat 15-year-old Dashboard Confessional fans catching on to this dude’s “genius lyrical wit” or appreciating the band’s “working-class approach to rock and roll.” Oh and btw, he has all the “wit” of a headline writer at the

Post

and all that other bullshit is

still

just a fancy way of saying “bar band.” Whatever.

JESSICA RABBIT

THE WALKMEN

Pussycats

Record Collection

So this is the Walkmen recreating a John Lennon record that was, in large part, a re-creation of classics in the first place. And that’s all fine and well and I’m sure they had fun and drank brandy or whatever, but really, why put this out? Could it be more of a vanity project? Like I’m not even doing a piss-take, who would buy this?

TACO TOE

FUCKED UP

Hidden World

Jade Tree

If I told you a group of funny-looking, maladjusted, borderline Luddites from Canada decided to make a pop-hardcore record with nine-minute songs and it was coming out on a label that seems to like the Kinsella brothers, you’d probably rather eat your dad’s scab collection than listen to it, right? Well good thing you are a scab-eating, assumption-making faggot, because I’m sitting here listening to the best hardcore record I’ve heard since the turn of millennium.

MARY LOUISE BUTTERS

MIND ERASER

Glacial Reign

Painkiller

Air-drop a few thousand of these CDs over the Middle East. When the ammo runs out and the smoke clears, grown men will rip each other apart with their hands and teeth. Within days the whole place will become a blood-soaked cannibalistic wasteland that will have to be nuked from orbit, then paved over and forgotten. Seriously, come on—you think we’re going to win this thing listening to Dave Matthews Band? Get your head out of your ass, hippie.

BILL O’REALLY

THE BLACK CLOUDS

7"

Smash & Grab

Caught these guys live recently and felt like my face got set on fire. I had no idea what was going on and I’m not sure the band did either. All I really remember is that the drummer played center stage and beat his floor tom with his fist for a lot of the songs, and when I got home I wanted to watch

Cops

and jerk off. I’m pretty sure I did exactly that. This record is limited to 300 copies so you might as well stop reading because you already fucking missed it.

ARTIE PHILIE

CANCER KIDS

The Possible Dream

Youth Attack

Do you crave songs that soothe and complement your unique worldview and refined (yet culturally aware) sensibilities? Do you want to be dazzled with innovative musicianship and nuanced lyrical insight pertaining to current events and social problems? Do you like “art”? Well, to be honest, you may not enjoy Cancer Kids very much. In fact I can almost guarantee that you will enjoy it considerably less than I would enjoy wiping my ass with your face. That opinion though is entirely subjective, so please take it at face value. Thanks so much.

ARTIE PHILIE

CAPITAL

Signal Corps

Iron Pier

Just when hardcore music is devolving into an ooze of career-minded retardation and fake nostalgia (see also: Lifetime and Gorilla Biscuits reunions), a band like Capital gets it right. If you’re sick of melodramatic little boys with expensive haircuts, you’ll appreciate this unironic and straight-faced rebuke to the world that

Alternative Press

has repackaged and sold ten trillion times over. On the other hand, if you are 99.9 percent of the music population, never mind, everything’s cool.

GAYBEEZ

OXFORD COLLAPSE

Remember the Night Parties

Sub Pop

Can we get one album that is NOT made by normal everyday people who have gotten a couple of As and a couple of Cs, broken a couple of hearts and had theirs broken, kicked around their 20s being badasses only to find out after a little bit of honest introspection that they are just normal dudes who enjoy the occasional beer and want to make a living making music? Guys, that’s called “people who are not in rock bands.”

VERYSERIOUS MCHARDCOREPANTS

DAN MELCHIOR

Fire Breathing Clones on Cellular Phones

Plastic Records

At first this annoyed me, like one of those homeless guitar-playing dudes on a street corner who leaves a hat on the ground to imply that you owe him for making noise that you didn’t ask for. But I listened to it one more time and realized that, unlike the homeless, most of these songs are pretty clever if you’re willing to pay attention. Good thing bums aren’t this entertaining, otherwise I might feel guilty when I laugh at them freezing to death in the winter months.

SASSY CUPCAKES

DEICIDE

The Stench of Redemption

Earache

I saw a guy taking a shit in Penn Station once. He just pulled down his pants, squatted down in full view of everyone, and got busy painting the floor brown. People walked by pretending nothing strange was happening at all, and he watched them as they passed like he was daring someone to say something. Everyone was terrified. Compared to that guy, Glen Benton is a fucking hack.

GLENGARRY GLEN DANZIG

PARTYLINE

Zombie Terrorist

Retard Disco

Way to dig up the corpse of Riot Grrl, slap some cat eye glasses on it, and drag it around in the mud like a depressing old marionette. How much you think I can get on eBay for my Bratmobile/Heavens to Betsy split 7"? If this is what it’s come down to, I’m over it.

DIET GRRL

PORTASTATIC

Be Still Please

Merge

If you are 13 you should buy this. When your mom catches you sneaking out and grounds you and you don’t get to see your boyfriend for two weeks and you scream into your pillow until your throat hurts (two screams), this will articulate everything for you. Older people might like this if their boss made them cry that day.

LAMIE WHATEVERODALE

TK WEBB

Phantom Parade

The Social Registry

This record makes me feel bluesier than a New York City JAP has any right feeling. My skin’s getting leathery just listening to it. It’s grizzled and dusty and it makes me wish that Everclear wasn’t illegal in New York State. And also that I had a pickup truck. Maybe a porch? Then I could hoarse my voice up all nice and croaky and sing along with these tough-guy blues stompers in my pickup truck or on my porch and be a real badass instead of a citified brat who secretly loves Urban Outfitters. PS: I’m probably gonna get my ass kicked for saying this, but I kinda think TK looks like a cute bunny.

MARY MCPANTS

BERT JANSCH

The Black Swan

Drag City

Embarrassing confession of the day: I had never heard of Bert Jansch before I got the

Squid and the Whale

soundtrack. Boy is my face red! But then I got super into all his old folk songs, especially all the Pentangle stuff. Better late than never, I guess. And now, lo and behold, the nouveau-folkies go and drag him out for a li’l comeback jam sesh. Devendra, some Espers guys, etc. You know they’re all feeling pretty pleased with themselves for getting to play with one of their folk heroes. I’m trying not to let the hipness factor sour me on this, and I even like the Beth Orton vocals on here, but goddamn it, why does Devendra have to have his grubby little mitts all over everything even remotely related to folk music these days? Jeesh.

LEZZIE MCCREWCUT

THE SKYGREEN LEOPARDS

Disciples of California

Jagjaguwar

Nope, sorry. The psych-folk market is so flooded these days that shambly, rambly, sort-of songs just don’t cut it anymore. From now on, you need to be able to write a memorable melody, and you need to be able to sing, like REALLY sing. Prettily, with vibrato. We’ve filled the guitar-guys-in-floppy-hats quota, now we need the Sandy Dennys. Where are you, Sandy Dennys?

HIPPIE JOHNNY

THE DECEMBERISTS

The Crane Wife

EMI

Oh good, more nasal songs about rogues and curs and bustles. Hey, could you let us know when the Wes Anderson Fantasy Songwriting Camp lets out and you go back to being a gangly lit dork who still gets shoved by people at 30. Just a heads-up’d be nice.

KELRON CHUBBARD

MARK FOSSON

The Lost Takoma Sessions

Drag City

Really, if you aren’t running a mountainside coffee shop or hosting some sort of Appalachian radio twankathon, how much instrumental slide-guitar music do you need? I don’t mean to sound like some kind of gay “music critic” touting John Fahey, but dude did put out about 70 fucking albums. Why not just pick ten of those and be done for life?

LEROY GUMPTION

BRIGHT EYES

Noise Floor (Rarities: 1998-2005)

Saddle Creek

The only reason I even picked this CD up is cuz there’s a song on it called “Amy in the White Coat” and I am always excited to hear songs with my name in it. Sadly, there are very few songs written about Amys. There’s the Pure Prairie League one they always play on classic rock stations, and there’s one by Elton John on

Honky Chateau

that’s kinda OK, and then there’s the Frank Sinatra number that goes, “Once in love with Amy, always in love with Amy,” which my 100-year-old high school science teacher used to sing to me, thereby ruining it forever. So I thought, “Hey, maybe Mr. Eyes will finally write me the gorgeous love song I so rightly deserve.” Nope. It’s a song about incest. Thanks a lot, dude.

AMY K

BITCH

Make This Break This

Kill Rock Stars

This one’s kind of a no-brainer. If you are a lesbian and your musical knowledge extends no further than the Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco, then a) say hello to your new favorite album by your new favorite green-dreadlocked womyn-loving-womyn, and b) why the hell are you reading

Vice

? But if you’re not into faux-hawks, dolphin-shaped dildos, and being, like, really angry about dudes (well, OK, who ISN’T really angry about dudes?), then super-emotional poem-songs about rape and Aileen Wuornos will probably be lost on you. (Guilty admission: I kinda liked the first song a lot, but I went to a Seven Sisters college so a certain amount of nostalgic fondness is to be expected.)

SARAH LAWRENCE

SEAN LENNON

Friendly Fire

Capitol

Thanks Capitol, now I get to spend the rest of my day with the image of Sean playing daddy in the studio with his stupid turtle face and doughy arms all stretching up to the mic scorched into the back of my fucking brain. And Yoko smiling proudly through the little window and nodding along to the piano plodding—Jesus, I have never felt like punching myself unconscious until right now.

KIM PUTTER

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

Hollinndagain

Paw Tracks

This is a recording of a live show from a few years ago, so at least it’s not “accessible” enough to be plastered all over the

New Yorker

in layers of I-get-it 40-year-old jism. Ugh, I really can’t tell who’s worse anymore, the folkie bandwagoneers who’re still lapping up this bullshit or the fathers-to-be who think a bunch self-indulgent kids banging out the same song for hours is “wild.”

MINCE TELLERS

LOREN CONNORS

Night Through: Singles and Collected Works 1976-2004

Family Vineyard

Loren Connors plays dark blues music from the future. While everyone else who’s into being “sad” just re-electrocutes the corpse of Robert Johnson every couple of years, Connors pushes the blues idiom into a truly dark place. This is music of despair and joy. (You might laugh now, but just listen to it. You’ll see.)

IG PICKLES

PAUL FLAHERTY

CHRIS CORSANO

The Beloved Music

Family Vineyard

The pinnacle of improvised music in this day and age, right here. How many times does

Vice

have to tell you to check out this shit-hot combo, asafp?

JESSE PEARSON

HOLY SHIT

Stranded at Two Harbors

UUAR

This reminds me of the ideas my first boyfriend had about art, all adolescent and weird and personal. He was a good artist. This is like that but it’s a lot better than what he did, which is get married and raise some cats. Good album. Good album art too—the gold cover is classy and the photo of the two dudes whose band this is (Ariel Pink and Matt Fishbeck) kissing in a field is unexpected and pretty.

T. PERFECT PISTACHIO