A Million Little Gross Jars

A dedicated reader in San Francisco keeps an assortment of gross jars in her house. Here they are…

A few months ago I was keeping a huge, oozy garden slug in a jar along with a few daddy longlegs and some vegetation. One day I noticed the slug was secreting a heavy amount of bubbly slug slime/blood. I took a closer look and I found that it was being devoured by white, stringy maggots. As time passed the maggots grew into fruit flies, which escaped through ventilation holes in the top of the jar, leaving their husks behind. Also, the vegetation grew into a moldy slush. All that was left of the slug was a shriveled, grayish film stuck to the bottom of the jar.

Having not much use for the jar as it was, I decided to make some additions. The jar now contains:

• Strawberry Ensure, which gives it that lovely shade of pink

• The pure urine of a sweet young virgin

• Two used condoms found trampled on the streets of the Mission (415 PRIDE!!!)

• Squid intestines

• Generic brand lemon-scented ammonia

• Wood varnish

• A chunk of linty Old Spice roll-on deodorant, which is fused with the odors of my dad’s old man B.O

• Shaving cream

• Activated psyllium

I think that’s it for this one.

I LIKED THIS JAR SO MUCH THAT I DECIDED TO MAKE SOME MORE. HERE THEY ARE, ALONG WITH LISTS OF THEIR CONTENTS…

• A shriveled rat carcass that has kind of evaporated

• More pee

• Extremely old cigarette butts that had to be scraped out of the ashtray with a Swiss army knife, and came out in a compressed disk

• Mysterious pube trimmings that were found in the bathroom waste basket (ew, my mom has a sex life)

• Strange pickled root things purchased from a Chinatown herb shop

• Water from flea-combing the cat

• Barfy spit

• Rotten pinto beans,

• The water of a dead goldfish

• 30-year-old Ipecac syrup

• Lard

• Sour butter

• Dog hair

• Olive oil

• soiled feminine products,

• bloody bandages and tissues

• A pickled beet

• soggy gingersnaps

This one isn’t really that gross, but it looks cool.

• moldy strawberries

• green paint

• water

• acetone

• SQUID GUTS

This is currently the nastiest. That is a baby mouse those maggots are eating.

Can you guess?

PSEUDONYM MCGEE