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Vice Blog

USA - ANIMAL RIGHTS PORN

I didn’t have to kill a bunch of bulls before I gave a shit about animals like this guy did, but I really think that animal-rights porn has gone too far. I know you’re not supposed to click on internet ads because the next thing you know you’re getting spam from Scientologists ("Have your IQ and Personality checked as you may be disease-prone," reads the latest one) and sending everyone $500 gift cards to Macy’s, but upon seeing the latest animal-rights porn, my soft heart screamed out WHAAAAT and I clicked. I couldn’t help it. It’s like when you hit "send" on some drunken, rambling, overly enthusiastic and optimistic email that’s really going to freak out the recipient when she reads it the next morning, and you know that’s the case but in the darkness of your drowning mind you just don’t care. So I clicked on this one ad of a dog eating a live baby bear—the image you're seeing right now is happy compared to this ad I'm talking about—and instantly regretted it, and now the ad is stalking me throughout the whole internet.

I took a minute to learn about this act of bear-baiting, and found out it was the most popular form of entertainment before Shakespeare came around and knocked it off its pedestal. All these people would tie a weakened bear to a stake and sic some rabid hounds on it and laugh their asses off at the carnage. This brought my attention to another medieval game called fox tossing, where they’d just sling small animals into the air and go "Ha!" over and over again, like how clubby dipshits can’t get enough party photos of dudes chugging bottles of champagne in front of a wall of hot girls with their tits out. In 1648 one famous tossing contest called for 647 foxes, 533 hares, 34 badgers, and 21 wildcats. You’d think that around the 264th rabbit they would’ve gotten bored, but no—they weren’t even halfway done yet. This must’ve coincided with the 19th tankard of beer.

The only way this could even be slightly funny now is if the people involved are all wearing powdered wigs and corsets and breeches and bloomers and other garments reinforced with whalebone and buckram, and then they get in fights themselves, go pour boiling oil from giant cauldrons over one another’s heads, and die.
DEWDROP ARKANSAS