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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - CHRIST'S SUICIDE NOTE

Unhappy Christ found with suicide note in

Nondor Nevai

's living room! Christ does death again! This time Jesus OWNS IT grrl! Christ writes suicide note about humans! Jesus was bummed on our 'tudes! Mr. Christ left a short list of bummed out reasons why humans are illin': 1. Dudes are not pushin' the baby carriage right! Just fuckin' OWN IT. Standing to the side, with pinky finger erect, barely touching baby's stroller bar is LAME and looks far more gay and retarded than just being cool enough to push a little helpless baby home correctly. This is BEYOND self-aware and insecure. This is SO GAY you hate yourself.

2. Beards and pussies are fighting me and I am awesome hippie Christ! Why is everyone all up in changing, sheering, trimming, waxing and reducing the hair I invented? I made a protective blast of hair to indicate what was most worthy of an Easter basket holding cell for treasure! The harriest face, harriest butt, and the harriest pussy is the coveted region! If hair blasts occur, think of them as the gilded velvet cloak of an exalted hole. Hair is for protection and we protect the best, most awesome and silken poetry wonders of earthlings. Kiss me with those labia lips! Nuzzle my labia lips with your beard! If a giant endlessly and infinitely growing hair yawns from your forehead, you might be the next ME!!!

3. Pens and pencils are for writing poetry, song, and letter to your mother. Please stop using them dipped in Vaseline to go in and out of your butthole! I made the butthole and the fingers for love! Why do you humans insist on doing this alone? I made passion, romance, and curiosity for you to get fingered satisfactorily in the brown. Still, you stick any and all spear-style objects in your hole and whine when it won't come out! If you stuck with my plan, you will always have a pal to at least get your sticks, twigs, and corncobs out.

4. I love you even when you are checking your Facebook every 15 seconds, smelling your fingers, and contemplating masturbating for the fifth time. You don't get me man! I'm Audi 5000 bitches! Won't see you in HELLLLLLLL!

ADRIANE SCHRAMM