My Grandpa Makes You Look Like a Pussy

I wrote my grandfather an email right after I moved to Brooklyn and started interning here at Vice to fill him in on how I was doing, to see how everybody back home was, and to dissuade him from buying me Ronald Reagan’s Tuesday bocce ball suit as a college graduation gift. I thought I was being reasonable, cordial, all of those things William J. Bennett describes in The Book of Virtues (which he gave me for a birthday gift when I turned 14). But I guess if you don’t join the army and pray in the direction of Dick Cheney five times a day then you’re an idiot with a dead end for a future. A couple days after I sent him the email I got this reply.

If it looks a little confusing, that’s because he dissected my initial email and responded to it point by point. I’m in italics lower case and HE’S IN UPPER.

p.s. Keep in mind I wrote this to my grandpa and that I'm fully aware I sound like I'm either wearing a stick in my ass or I'm practicing for a future in advertising. But come on, it’s my fucking grandpa–what do you expect?

Hey Grandpa,
HI, KARL

I want to thank you for all that you and Grandma have done to help me get through UT.

YOU ARE WELCOME. AS A MATTER OF INFORMATION TO YOU, I WENT TO SCHOOL YEAR ROUND, AND COMPLETED MY DEGREE IN A LITTLE LESS THAN THREE YEARS. BUT I WAS 24 YEARS OLD, MARRIED, AND HAD NEARLY FOUR YEARS OF MILITARY SERVICE BEHIND ME BEFORE ENTERING UT. SO, I WORKED AT IT LIKE ONE WORKS AT A JOB—FULL TIME, NIGHTS, AND WEEKENDS. IN RETROSPECT, I THINK I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED “DOING IT” THE WAY YOU DID. I don't know if Mom told you, but I recently started interning at Vice.

NO, KARL, YOUR MOM HAS NOT TOLD ME YET THAT YOU WERE HIRED AS AN INTERN AT "VICE" MAGAZINE. I SUSPECT THAT, IN PART, SHE KNEW MY REACTION MIGHT BE NEGATIVE, ERGO NO NEED TO MAKE AN EARLY ANNOUNCEMENT. OR, PERHAPS SHE MAY NOT BE WHAT YOU COULD CALL "DELIGHTED" THAT YOU ARE INTERNING WITH A "FREE LIFESTYLE" ADVOCATE. NOW THAT I AM AWARE, PLEASE KNOW THAT I AM ABSOLUTELY UNDERWHELMED BY THIS "ACHIEVEMENT," REGARLESS OF HOW TRENDSETTING OR AVANT GUARDE THE VENUE MAY BE. IT SEEMS TO ME TO WANT IN AREAS OF ETHICAL AND MORAL SUBSTANCE, NOT TO MENTION TASTE, CIVILITY, AND RATIONAL PHILOSOPHY. I’d imagine you’ve never read Vice, since 74-year-olds don’t exactly fall into their demographic (though they are recognized among 21- to 34-year-olds as a major periodical), but you should check it anyway at www.viceland.com. There’s some fascinating stuff on the site that I think might interest you.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF IT. I QUESTION JUST WHO IT MAY BE WHO RECOGNIZES IT AS A “TOP MAGAZINE”—PERHAPS IT IS THE READERSHIP ENGENDERED BY PURVEYORS OF "IN YOUR FACE" PUBLICATIONS. OR PERHAPS IT IS AN "ASSOCIATION" WHO CHOOSES THE BEST OF A MEDIOCRE GENRE. Also, you might like to know that it’s currently distributed in something like 16 countries and growing.

IN THAT THE PUBLICATION IS WITHOUT CHARGE, IT WOULD SEEM TO ME, AS A CASUAL OBSERVER, THAT ONE COULD GIVE AWAY AS MANY COPIES AS ONE DESIRED. "GROWTH" IN CIRCULATION WOULD BE A MATTER OF SELF-DETERMINATION. I REVIEWED THEIR MEDIA KIT. CIRCULATION IS CHEAP, SO LOTS OF BRANDS, STRONG AND WEAK, ARE TRYING AND HAVE TRIED THE VENUE.  IT MIGHT BE A "COOL" PLACE TO HANG OUT WHILE YOU SEEK REAL, SUBSTANTIVE EMPLOYMENT, BUT DOES NOT LOOK TO ME TO BE A PLACE FROM WHICH ONE CAN LAUNCH A CAREER OF SUBSTANCE AND GROWTH.

Anyways, I’m touched by your offer to buy me some new clothes, but the enormous geographical gap has made the process a real challenge for me. Without the ability for me to have input into the selection, or to actually try on the clothes, I am concerned about whether or not I will feel comfortable in them.

YOU CAN RELAX ON THAT SCORE.  YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES AS REGARDS ATTIRE—YOU MAY HAVE A NAVY SUIT OR A NAVY BLAZER WITH MEDIUM DARK GREY SLACKS, A WHITE OR BLUE OXFORD CLOTH DRESS SHIRT AND A "REP" TIE, BLACK SHOES, AND BLACK CALF-LENGTH SOX. YOU WILL NOT ONLY BE COMFORTABLE, YOU WILL APPEAR BOTH STYLISH AND SUCCESSFUL. THOSE THINGS WILL BOLSTER CONFIDENCE. IF NOT, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS UNRELATED TO ATTIRE. HELL, YOU'VE BEEN HIRED ONCE ALREADY, WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF GENUINELY SMART ATTIRE. ONE OF THE IMPORTANT LESSONS I LEARNED IN A 30-ODD YEAR CAREER WAS THAT IMPRESSIONS ARE FORMED OF AN APPLICANT PRIMARILY IN THE FIRST 10 TO 20 SECONDS OF AN INTERVIEW, AND THEY TEND TO COLOR THE BALANCE OF THE SESSION. THEY ARE A MAJOR CONTRIBUTING FACTOR TO THE DECISION TO HIRE, OR NOT TO HIRE THE APPLICANT. ATTIRE IS MAJOR IN THE CREATION OF A FAVORABLE FIRST IMPRESSION—THAT CRITICAL FIRST 10 TO 20 SECONDS.

But besides all that, Mom has already paid for some pants and shirts that I bought last week. So I thought that you might consider reimbursing her rather than making a purchase yourself. I'm asking you to consider this because Mom has already helped me quite a bit getting settled here in New York.

IF YOUR MOM IS WILLING TO LOAN YOU THE MONEY TO MAKE IMMEDIATE PURCHASE OF WORK CLOTHES, GOOD FOR YOU AND HER. REIMBURSEMENT IS, HOWEVER, YOUR "MONKEY," NOT MINE, AND FROM MY POINT OF VIEW EXTENDS NOT ONLY FOR THE PURCHASE OF CLOTHES, BUT ALSO FOR THE "HELP" IN GETTING SETTLED WHERE YOU ARE. YOU ARE NOW AN ADULT AND MUST BEGIN CONDUCTING YOURSELF AS SUCH. REPAYING YOUR MOM IS A CORNERSTONE OF ACCEPTING ADULT RESPONSIBILITY. I WOULD NEVER DEPRIVE YOU OF THAT PRIVILEGE. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY ALLUSION TO "MONKEYS," ASK YOUR MOM, AND SHE WILL EXPLAIN IT.

I hope that you understand and take no offense at my suggestion. If you prefer buying the clothes yourself, I do understand.

I TAKE NO OFFENSE. I CAN ONLY SAY, "NICE TRY—BUT NO DICE." I CONSIDER THIS TO BE A MATTER OF DUTY.

In either case, thanks for the sentiment.

YOU ARE WELCOME. HOPE WE BOTH COME OUT HAVING PERFORMED OUR DUTY WITH SUCCESS!

I love you, I hope everyone’s doing well back home, and I'll talk to you soon,

THANK YOU, I SHALL LOOK FOREWARD TO THAT. LOVE YOU GET FOR FREE. RESPECT, YOU MUST EARN.

Karl
GRANDPA