Once, making it to the top in the music industry required hard work, talent and timing. Thankfully, those days are long since over. No, nowadays all you need is a copy of our guide to making it in the biz, Zane's mobby number and a burgeoning friendship with Dev Hynes. Just stick these simple rules to your fridge, and within no time at all, you too can be the band that everyone dismisses as pure hype.1. White Lies theory, aka 'Don't Play Music'
Easily achieved, this: simply don't play any gigs. Also known as the Joe Lean (number seven on here) Dictum, this supposes that no one ever made it to the top by playing music for people and seeing whether any of them kept coming back. Rather, you maximise potential impact by play one much-anticipated 'showcase' gig at some kind of tiny music industry watering-hole. Why so? Well, remember that the watering-hole metaphor is very apposite. A&Rs are gazelles: flighty, timid creatures who run with the pack. Get enough of them in a room and they will stampede.Most 'maybe bands' are pretty much interchangeable, a bit talented, a bit good looking, probably not going anywhere. But occasionally one of them, for reasons no one can ever quite predict, will suddenly develop a groundswell of support. What the A&R community fear more than anything is not calling this before it happens. So you just need to corral them all into the same space, and their inherent pack dynamics will lead you into the eye of a bidding war.Buzz, an algebraic explanation
Record label honcho A talks to B about Band X. B talks to C and mentions that Band X is being talked up at the moment. C remembers D spoke to him about Band X just yesterday, and surmises that the industry is going apeshit over Band X. What they don't know is that it was A who also spoke to D. And furthermore, that your man on the inside is A. Result: everyone arms themselves with enormous chequebooks and goes searching for Band X. They start at the local rave club of course, because anyone called Band X is clearly a synth-rock duo.2. The Frankmusic theory, aka 'Has Enormous Potential'
'Has potential' is actually another term for 'not good enough yet', but thick people seldom realise this. Luckily for you, loads of really thick people work in the music biz. Con them by putting it about that you have 'enormous potential'. Remember: the Statue Of Liberty has 'enormous potential' to be converted into a series of luxury flats. It doesn't mean it's going to happen. You have 'enormous potential' to release a number one album. The fact that right now your songs sound like a sow having eating a radiator shouldn't be any disadvantage.Adele theory, aka 'The New… Something Else Entirely'
As she took home the Brits Critics' Choice Award despite not having released an album, and not really being very good, Adele had a wry twinkle in her eye. Some people say this was because she has a naturally cheeky disposition. Some say it's because Paul McCartney had just told her a dirty joke. The true explanation is that she was chortling at how she'd just surfed into the in-crowd on a huge wave of hogwash, as industry types fell over themselves to dub her 'the new Winehouse'. Putting aside the fact that the only real simile you could draw between the two is 'singing women', naming yourself after the previous year's sales champ is a very clever bit of branding. So if you're La Roux, put it about that you're 'the new Little Boots'. If you're a black metal band from Dudley put it about that you're 'the new MGMT'. And so on.Hadouken! theory, aka 'We've Got Enough Virtual Mates To Be Virtually Famous'
Garner a million Myspace friends. If they're going to back you, industry people like to see pre-existing support, even if it's all porn-bots who add everyone. If they question this, tell them that porn is the only industry that still has any money in the present economic climate.If all the above fails, then call your band The Sure To Be Massive Tigerteeth, so that every time anyone has to refer to you, it sounds like a bigging-up. And just remember: at the end of the day there are no winners and losers in the record industry, only people with bigger houses than other people.GAVIN HAYNES
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Easily achieved, this: simply don't play any gigs. Also known as the Joe Lean (number seven on here) Dictum, this supposes that no one ever made it to the top by playing music for people and seeing whether any of them kept coming back. Rather, you maximise potential impact by play one much-anticipated 'showcase' gig at some kind of tiny music industry watering-hole. Why so? Well, remember that the watering-hole metaphor is very apposite. A&Rs are gazelles: flighty, timid creatures who run with the pack. Get enough of them in a room and they will stampede.Most 'maybe bands' are pretty much interchangeable, a bit talented, a bit good looking, probably not going anywhere. But occasionally one of them, for reasons no one can ever quite predict, will suddenly develop a groundswell of support. What the A&R community fear more than anything is not calling this before it happens. So you just need to corral them all into the same space, and their inherent pack dynamics will lead you into the eye of a bidding war.Buzz, an algebraic explanation
Record label honcho A talks to B about Band X. B talks to C and mentions that Band X is being talked up at the moment. C remembers D spoke to him about Band X just yesterday, and surmises that the industry is going apeshit over Band X. What they don't know is that it was A who also spoke to D. And furthermore, that your man on the inside is A. Result: everyone arms themselves with enormous chequebooks and goes searching for Band X. They start at the local rave club of course, because anyone called Band X is clearly a synth-rock duo.
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'Has potential' is actually another term for 'not good enough yet', but thick people seldom realise this. Luckily for you, loads of really thick people work in the music biz. Con them by putting it about that you have 'enormous potential'. Remember: the Statue Of Liberty has 'enormous potential' to be converted into a series of luxury flats. It doesn't mean it's going to happen. You have 'enormous potential' to release a number one album. The fact that right now your songs sound like a sow having eating a radiator shouldn't be any disadvantage.Adele theory, aka 'The New… Something Else Entirely'
As she took home the Brits Critics' Choice Award despite not having released an album, and not really being very good, Adele had a wry twinkle in her eye. Some people say this was because she has a naturally cheeky disposition. Some say it's because Paul McCartney had just told her a dirty joke. The true explanation is that she was chortling at how she'd just surfed into the in-crowd on a huge wave of hogwash, as industry types fell over themselves to dub her 'the new Winehouse'. Putting aside the fact that the only real simile you could draw between the two is 'singing women', naming yourself after the previous year's sales champ is a very clever bit of branding. So if you're La Roux, put it about that you're 'the new Little Boots'. If you're a black metal band from Dudley put it about that you're 'the new MGMT'. And so on.
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Garner a million Myspace friends. If they're going to back you, industry people like to see pre-existing support, even if it's all porn-bots who add everyone. If they question this, tell them that porn is the only industry that still has any money in the present economic climate.If all the above fails, then call your band The Sure To Be Massive Tigerteeth, so that every time anyone has to refer to you, it sounds like a bigging-up. And just remember: at the end of the day there are no winners and losers in the record industry, only people with bigger houses than other people.GAVIN HAYNES