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Vice Blog

MIAMI - STUFF TO DO IN FLORIDA THAT ISN'T AN ART FAIR


For those of you nursing hangovers from the opening of Art Basel last night, here is Jason Crombie's definitive list from The Vice Guide to Miami Art Fairs of cool things to do in Miami that don't require getting tanked on as much coke and hash as the Mumbai gunmen. Which isn't to say you can't or that it wouldn't enhance any of these options. Just you don't have to.

If you’re in Miami and you’re at the fair, going to the stupid parties every night, drinking by the pool all day, do yourself a favor and go check out some of the stuff Florida has to offer. Like what, you say? Well, the first thing I’d do is take a trip out to Hemingway’s house in Key West, and check out those bizarre polydactyl cats that roam about the grounds being all weird with their weird feet that have too many toes. Apparently there’s about 60 of the freakish little buggers, and you can pet them! That’s what I’d do, and I’d be all stoic while I was there too, maybe get drunk and force everyone to call me "Papa." Maybe challenge someone to a wrestle or boxing match, maybe‚Ķ or maybe, somewhere deep down, I’d secretly want to be held by another man.

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SNORKELING IN KEY WEST
How awesome would it be to go snorkeling in Key West? It’s North America’s only living coral reef! The rest of them are dead! We killed them and they’re never coming back. If you ask me, you better check this last one out before it’s gone too. Really. Man, think of all the cool stuff you’ll see. Tropical fish, crabs, stingrays, sea turtles, maybe some nurse sharks! Not to mention the coral! Have you ever seen living coral? It’s absolutely incredible, and Key West has over 110 different species. It’ll blow your mind. You should go. Saying you’ve never snorkeled is like saying you’ve never ridden a bicycle and saying you’ve never ridden a bicycle is like saying you’re a Muslim lady. So get on that 13-hour bus journey through the Keys and go
for a snorkel. You will not regret it.

MIAMI SCIENCE MUSEUM
PLANETARIUM LASER SHOW
www.miamisci.org
The first Friday of every month they have a big ol’ trippin’-balls laser show at the planetarium and the first Friday of December just happens to fall slap-bang in the middle of Art Basel! On Friday the fifth there’ll be five individual laser shows kicking off at 7 PM with something called the "Kids of the Future Laser Party," which sounds gay‚Ķ Then at 9 PM they’ll be playing the music of the Doors while you lie back and make
soft murmury noises to yourself, then at 10 PM it’s Pink Floyd, 11 PM Radiohead, and then at midnight‚Ķ Pink Floyd again, different record though, I hope, but then who cares? You’re ripped.

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THE CHARLES DEERING ESTATE
www.deeringestate.com
The Charles Deering estate is 444 sprawling acres of nature preserve along the edge of the Biscayne Bay that you can go visit when you feel like you’re having a nervous breakdown from all the drinking and drugging you’ve been doing. They have a bunch of stuff to look at, historical stuff, a bunch of birds and shit like that, trees, probably some frogs, and they have a fuckload of butterflies that flit about the place looking all beautiful and shit. The estate belonged to a philanthropic industrialist dude called Charles Deering who lived in this big-ass mansion there like he was Gatsby or some shit, except he didn’t have massive parties, he just stood at the windows and wished he didn’t have pernicious anemia. He did bang silent-movie star Lillian Gish, though, and she said he was the best she’d ever had.

GATOR PARK
www.gatorpark.com
Get on down to that Everglades National Park and check out some of those 200,000 gators they got waddling around the place like it’s no big deal! What you do is, you get on one of those airboat things and zip around the wetlands with a professional alligator guy who gets on his big-man microphone and tells you all the shit about alligators you already know, like how big their teeth are, how many bags you can get out of one gator, and "Hey everyone! Look! There’s a gator right now!" It says on the pamphlet you can even hold a wee little baby gator! Just hold it like a baby and get all doe-eyed until the little bastard takes off one of your fingers. There’s a guy they got there that wrestles gators while you wait and they also have snakes and peacocks running round everywhere, begging to be shot.

WORLD EROTIC ART
MUSEUM
1205 Washington Ave., Miami Beach
www.weam.com
You’re miles away from your computer, you’re too shy to go buy a copy of Black Tail, and your imagination is totally shot from nonuse. You’ve basically left yourself stranded on Blue Balls Island, what you gonna do? Go to the World Erotic Art Museum and wank through your pockets is what! Don’t worry, everyone’s doing it, that’s what they built it for. There are 40,000 paintings, sculptures, and tapestries to look at—including that big white pecker from A Clockwork Orange—while discreetly rubbing your bell-end through your pants. They have a great gift shop and chances are they even have bathrooms to clean yourself up in later. Don’t forget to leave your small change at home.

SHOP FOR VOODOO DOLLS IN
LITTLE HAITI
Wait, did that motherfucker just bump into you? He did! And now you’ve spilled blueberry daiquiri all down your linen pants! Motherfucker! You know what? Let’s go down to Little Haiti, near 54th and NW 2nd Avenue, where there’s a bunch of stores that sell voodoo dolls and shit, and let’s put a needle through that motherfucker’s dick! Motherfucker! Doesn’t he know who you are? Let’s put another needle through his goddamn balls! Yeah! Now put three up his ass! Yeah, that’s it! Now put 18 up my ass! What?

JASON CROMBIE
photo by Dana Goldstein