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VICE Guide to Montreal

DO's and DON'Ts

Why couldn’t Peaches have been hot like her? That way instead of imagining a big Canadian hairy bush we could fantasize about a hairless peach that smells like rose petals.
March 22, 2001, 4:01pm

DOs

Sure my man Jay-Z got Beyoncé, but don’t hate. That’s just how my motherfucking niggas roll, dawg! Rocafella is all about the finest bitches and if a motherfucking bitch gets this shit you know the ho is down with the Roc. True dat!

Ever have a blue flame where you’re like, “This is going to be huge,” and you get all your buddies together and you push like hell and you light it perfectly and it’s like, “PRAAAAPPPFFF,” and the flame is about 30,000 times better than you thought it was going to be? You’re like, “I could die happy right now.”

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It’s stupid to go see the Sex Pistols now, because it’s like a parody of a parody of a parody wrapped in a blanket of irony and dipped in a vat of shit. You have to see bands at the beginning, before they’re a thing. Back when it’s just a bunch of friends in a sweaty basement falling all over the place because they don’t care.

When you have a beautiful round ass you have a beautiful round ass. There’s nothing you can do about it so fuck it. Let it shine and add a matching 69 so bitches are forced to think of having it right in their face like a big, beautiful brown moon (yes, he would be on top).

A Montréal photographer sent this to us as a DON’T because of her shirt but we don’t know enough about fashion to know what’s wrong with it. All we see is a typical “filles du roi” with her beautiful horse mouth and Métis eyes—fuck. Don’t you want to just go on a boat with her?

Girls who break up fancy clothes with a dirty baseball hat and a short parka add about 145 fun points and 56 IQ points to what could be a “boring fashion cow” ensemble. Now we know she has taste AND likes to hang out.

Sure, Montréal can have some raging eyesores, but does any other city in the world have the thrift-store power to pull off 80s surf punk? I don’t think so.

Why couldn’t Peaches have been hot like her? That way instead of imagining a big Canadian hairy bush we could fantasize about a hairless peach that smells like rose petals.

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DON'Ts

This is something we like to call “only in Quebec.” Only in a nation where people have been receiving two decades of free grant money to promote their own culture no matter how lame that culture is could you have this French clown not even kidding.

Guy, not only is your girlfriend totally fucking hideous, but she has no tits and her cunt is hairy and long with a pink thing coming out of the tip of it. You can only do anal for so long, shit for brains. Eventually you are going to have to eat that gross bitch’s muff.

“Ey, while all you maudite anglais are in dere all day in your work cubicles, hostie, I am out dere in de real world buying de lamp shades and making de ‘art de pantalons’ and living de good life, tabernak.”

1970 was a great time for Quebec. Hippie culture was at its peak, and in October, the French separatists became so powerful they put the entire country into a state of emergency. Even though the instability of that era eventually bankrupted the province, there’s still a bunch of fucking idiots who go to the mountain every Sunday and celebrate it. It’s called “Les Tam Tams” and it is a strange combination of the early hippies, the Middle Ages, extreme climbing, and the circus.

For example, it’s not unusual to see someone wearing a court-jester hat and acting like he didn’t just get fired from a kid’s show for getting wasted and saying “cocksucker.”

Then there’s the bourgeois dropouts who do so many bags of shrooms they become forest discharge.