Possible Explanations for All the Stupid Reasons British Columbia Called 911 This Year

It should be pretty obvious that 911, an emergency number, should only be called during emergency situations, which are generally defined as when lives are possibly in danger. Or at least there's a slight whiff of danger. That seems to have slipped past a few people this year though, because E-Comm, British Columbia's largest 911 call center, recently released a list of the top ten dumb things people called in about in 2015.

Sure, it may seem ridiculous to call 911 regarding a toothbrush or a spare tire, but perhaps we're only getting half the story. With a little more context, some of these supposedly dumb situations could have turned out to be far more dangerous. So let's give these people the benefit of the doubt and explore the possible explanations for the ten dumb calls E-Comm listed.

You're trying out a new route to work but take a left instead of a right. As you turn into an alley, you see a bunch of rough-looking guys shoving a lumpy, rolled-up carpet into the trunk of a car that has at least two flat tires. Before you can back away, one of them spots you and pounces. He puts you in a headlock and holds a gun to your temple.

"What's the number of the local tire dealership?" he growls.

"I… I don't know," you stammer.

"Better make some calls and find out," he hisses back.

Plausibility factor: Michael Bay's Armageddon

You're severely allergic to peanuts, but some asshole at the office managed to slip you a peanut M&M (he told you it was the pretzel kind). Luckily for you, your office has one of those fancy vending machines that also dispenses non-edibles like 2GB USB keys, tape, and EpiPens (it's a really fancy machine, OK). Thank God. You jam a dollar into the slot, but instead of giving you life-saving medication, the machine spits your money back and flashes an error message across the screen. What the fuck? You try again. Same result. You can feel your throat swelling shut as you try one more time, to no avail. Desperately gasping for air as your skin breaks out in hives, you pull out your phone and punch in 911 as your vision starts to fade.

Plausibility factor: 'Because it's 2015'

Yeah, we dunno. This is pretty dumb.

Plausibility factor: Michael Bay's 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

The car parked next to yours happens to be equipped with anti-carjacking flamethrowers that were accidentally triggered when you tried to un-parallel park your way out of the spot, and now you're more than a little freaked out.

Plausibility factor:'I'm just going to have two drinks and then go home.'

Your son is five years old and driving the car.

Plausibility factor:

You are a Very Serious Writer who just can't, like, function without coffee and you are on deadline for a listicle.

Plausibility factor: Top 10 Cat Video Supercuts: The Supercut

You're on vacation in a city you've never been to before and there are numerous street signs that read, "No Parking Between 9 AM and 5 PM. Violators will be shot on site." It's 4:57 PM and you just want to know how seriously they take parking regulations around these parts.

Plausibility Factor: Grand Theft Auto: Vancouver

"… as a shank and stabbed the everloving shit out of me, please send help."

Plausibility Factor: Orange is the New Black vs. Oz: The IMAX Experience

You borrowed your older brother's basketball for a game of pickup but overshoot the net and end up lodging the ball in the branches of an unclimbable oak tree. Your brother said he would literally kill you if anything happened to his ball. He's coming to pick you up in 20 minutes. It's literally an emergency.

Plausibility factor: The encyclopedia literally decides that literally means figuratively.

You've been awake for 14 days, breaking the world record for longest time spent awake. You know that research showed rats sleep-deprived for two weeks or more died, and everyone knows that humans and rats are basically the same. (Why else do they use rats for experiments?) You don't want to die, but the constant WHOOSH of air being pushed your building's vents is keeping you from drifting off. You have no choice. It's life-or-death. You dial 911.

Plausibility factor: Marvel's The Secret of Nimh III: Never Spring