Sometimes two people's paths cross and the consequences are monumental for the world: Bush and Blair. Obama and Trump. Elton John and Kiki Dee. But who could have predicted the sheer collision of kingpins that occurred only a mere nine hours ago (at the time of writing) at the British Fashion Awards, when fate aligned to put Skepta and Marilyn Manson in the same building—nay, within the same iPhone camera frame—in a pow wow of titanic significance, to be immortalized in one Instagram post forever?
Meetings between figureheads are often cloaked in mystery, presented to the public via soundbites and a photo opportunity, and nothing more. So in the absence of any real information regarding this important occasion, I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of likely conversation topics that may have arisen between two men whose only points in common appear to be making bangers and rocking the fuck out of some black clothes:
Skepta is a man who always looks good in a black tracksuit, and Marilyn Manson brought black lipstick to the masses. Imagine what they could achieve together in their sunglasses – we're already halfway to a grime x goth trend for 2017 via Skepta's cobweb trackies.
2) Liking each other's music
I really hope this one is what actually happened, because the image it conjures in my brain is akin to the breathtaking visuals of Michelangelo's 'The Creation Of Adam.' Do you think Skepta charges about in his room to "The Beautiful People", in the manner of all the best Marilyn Manson fans (i.e. me)? Can Marilyn Manson spit his way through every verse on "Man (Gang)," rarely even pausing for a breath? The answer to both, of course, is "hell yeah." When two famous people meet, it is an absolute certainty they have spent a vast amount of time getting comfortable with the crevices of each other's back catalogue.
3) Hot tubs
Oh, the sweet serene feel of water bubbling around the navel area. The warmth, the freshness of a hot relaxing soak. Nothing compares to this feeling, which one can assume has been discussed in depth between two masters of the form.
Neither Skepta nor Marilyn Manson is a stranger to the grim reaper – Manson, after all, made him into a marketing technique. Perhaps the two combined their wisdom to wrestle with the most difficult topic of them all, in that way that you do when a house party gets a bit weird and intense at four in the morning and you end up stood in a corner, faces close together, with a lad from the Home Counties who reaches in dangerously close and tells you how affecting it was when his dog died.
5) Colonizing Mars
Imagine a planet governed by these two. Not only do they almost certainly have the scientific know how (because all geniuses automatically know everything), but the aesthetic would be off the chain.
6) The food?!
This one, sadly, is most probable. Everyone who goes to an event is there to get as much free booze as possible and to shove a load of mini sausage rolls covertly into their bags as a way to combat both capitalism and deep, malignant hunger. I know I am not alone in embarking on such a journey, right guys?! Thank you. Skepta and Manson are human. It's easy to assume they also like to steal food from unassuming event tables, as is only good and right. It is the way of the world.
Having covered all the most possible bases, I feel I have now brought the human race closer to understanding one of the greatest meetings of minds of our time. In exchange for my labour, I want for nothing – other than maybe a copy of this photo, poster-sized, to hang over my bed to inspire me in times good and bad.
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(Image via Skepta on Instagram)