Bbbbrrr it’s a little cold in here, innit? A bit…icy, some might say. Maybe it’s because autumn has finally crept upon us, maybe it’s because someone left the air con on for too long, or maybe it’s because we’ve just received the news that Vanilla Ice – as in, the white dude rapper who got arrested last year for nicking 12 patio chairs – is performing live, on an ice skating rink, for three nights at Alexandra Palace. Yes, I’ll let that sink in.On the site, it says that the rapper will be performing on “The Ice Rink”, so I presume this can only mean that Vanilla Ice will be ice-skating at the same time as performing such classics as “Ice Ice Baby” and “Too Cold”. With that in mind, I have a few questions: Is this going to work? The guy is 48 years old, can he legitimately spit bars on the mic at the same time as pulling off a couple of toe jumps and pirouettes? Is this possible? Where are the crowd going to watch from? Will they also be on the ice rink, skating around him, holding hands? What if he falls over? Is there anything more depressing than watching Vanilla Ice landing face first on some ice in the middle of “Ice Ice Baby”, the background music on the track continuing as he tries and fails to get up again? Is there? Help.After thinking about this long and hard, we can only assume that he clocked Skepta was performing at Ally Pally before Christmas and, in a move to one-up him, decided to play three shows…on ice! Hence, this is the weirdest music beef since Katy Perry had it in for a bunch of nuns. And, if for some reason you can’t make it – such as a funeral or the birth of your first child – then here is a video of Vanilla Ice dancing to “Ice Ice Baby” on an ice rink during Dancing On Ice, which is probably a close proximation of what this fantastic series of aforementioned events will look like:
Advertisement