Dear Zlatan: Fuck France, Come to America

FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Sports

Dear Zlatan: Fuck France, Come to America

An open letter to Zlatan Ibrahimovic, inviting him to the United States of America.

Dearest Zlatan,

We hear you are in some hot water after making what some perceived as disparaging comments about France. We understand the frustration an athlete feels after a loss, especially when that loss is entirely the fault of a shitty referee. If we may be so bold, you were completely in the right when you said, after a 3-2 loss to Lyon, "In 15 years I've never seen a [good] referee in this shit country … [they] don't even deserve PSG." In response, Front National leader Marine Le Pen told you to get out, in no uncertain terms. Other, slightly less awful French authority figures were equally upset.

Advertisement

This is why we are writing to you to say: Fuck France, come to America.

Sure, the French helped us in our bid for independence, but we are the greatest country in the world now, so they can get bent. Paris is the city of lights? Fuck Paris. New York is the city that never sleeps and if you come here, you'll get your own borough: Zlatan Island. If you're getting tired of city life and just want to stretch your shit out, take a state. You could probably walk right up to the border of Idaho or West Virginia or, like, Mississippi or whatever and just set up shop. Just tell them it's your state now; most states are too busy arguing over federalism to even notice.

If you desire winning above all else, we have Major League Soccer; Zlatan FC would be unstoppable here.

You want money? There's Fort Knox, we'll get some keys cut for you. Fame? (pardon us, more fame) Hollywood or New York; take your pick. You like zoos? The American south is full of animals, and you are free to check 'em out. France does have fine dining—you'll want to steer clear of St. Louis if this is the sort of thing that matters to you—but we have variety. Pizza? Check. Mexican? Check. BBQ? Checkmate, friend. The entire country is your oyster, which we also have.

Sure, we're not a perfect country; we have fussy baseball columnists and Bruce Springsteen, but France had Robespierre. Come to America and we'll call it a wash. It's time.

Respectfully Yours,

The United States of America