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The Broadly Guide to Fantasy Football

​The A-Z Guide to spending your time, money, and sanity on the performance and injuries of other human beings. As far as we know, this is not a role playing game.
November 11, 2015, 9:55pm
Image via Stocksy

Apps

The world of Fantasy Football has infiltrated all forms of entertainment through excessive branding—and criminal activity. They've even tapped into our cellular devices. Download all the competitive apps and enter your credit card information into the least obnoxious option.

Bye Week

Every NFL team has an off-week during the regular season. When a team doesn't play, the players on that team don't play, which means they shouldn't play on your team, either. Submitting a starting lineup with an inactive quarterback or running back is fantastical suicide and unfair to the conscience of the athlete who is trying to enjoy his day off.

Cash Out

Know your limits, know when to say no, and know when to take the money and run.

Depression

The success of your team is directly correlated to the overall quality of your life. If your team sucks because you chose losers, you have every right to sob yourself into oblivion. Look on the bright side: There's always next week!

Elite

A player who is ranked highest amongst his position.*

Free Agent

The players not owned by a team are up for grabs! Scout them out and use them to replace players who haven't played up to your standards. Think of it as a game of human chess.

Game Day

In order to get the full Fantasy Football experience, you should have access to as many screens as there are games. Upgrade to the fastest internet, get the most expensive and inclusive cable TV plan, and buy more phone data. Having as many games on as many gadgets will help you know exactly how well your fantasy team is playing.

Handcuff

The act of drafting a starter and a backup of the same position from the same team. This is especially strategic if the starter has a history of injuries or if they are wearing actual handcuffs.

Injuries

Football is a contact sport. Contact sports often lead to injuries. Some injuries are very bad. Most injuries are unpredictable. Just because you read an expert's column that suggests to start that sleeper tight end doesn't mean he won't endure a concussion mid-game and fuck it up for the whole team. There's no I in team, but there are two in injuries, because the hurt player isn't the only one suffering.

January

Back to reality.

Know Your Team

Stay up to date on the status of your players. If they are inactive due to a football-related injury—like brain damage—or suspended for violating the NFL's Personal Conduct Policy—like domestic violence—their absence could negatively impact the performance of your fantasy football team and its ranking within your league. Take advantage of trades.

Lunch

The time of day when it is acceptable to step away from your actual job to check the status of your roster and prepare for the weekend's upcoming match ups. Also, you should eat something.

Money

If you're not depending on the success and failures of others for your own financial gain, what's the point in even trying?

Name

This is your opportunity to show off to your fantasy league just how clever you are. Don't fuck it up. You will be stuck with this team name for the next 17 weeks, or a lifetime depending on how amazing or horrible the name is. Think twice before you commit to "the Redskins" or another racist name.

Owner

As an owner of your very own fantasy football team, it is your job to purchase men who you think would excel at a particular task and benefit from their performance. It is also your job to make the difficult decision to release these men if they sustain an injury, do not live up to your expectations, or disobey the rules. Yes, this is both legal and socially acceptable because the men are getting paid a lot of money.

Image via Stocksy

Promo Codes

When signing up to play on fantasy apps, enter the name of an inanimate object or term that sounds remotely close to a word you or anyone with a pulse would use surrounding the festivities of game day. This will allow you to receive $1 off your gateway drug into a gambling addiction, a free T-shirt, or another worthless object.

Questionable

Minor injuries often result in game-time decisions for a player's status. If a player is marked as questionable, he is hurt but will most likely play. He also might sit on the sidelines. It's up to you to determine if the player manning up and playing through the pain is a risk your roster is willing to take.

Roster

The lineup of players scouted and drafted to represent your team based on talent, statistics, season schedule and strategy—not for their clean criminal history or character.

Statistics

Fantasy sports are a numbers game. Staying on top of your players' statistics will help you gain an edge when putting your lineup together week after week.

Trade Rape

The purpose of trading players is to make your team better, without making it worse. If a player rapes or sexually assaults someone in the week leading up to the big game, trade him for a better player who has not committed crimes before the final roster deadline.

Unbiased

If you play Fantasy Football, it's probably because you love the sport. You grew up cheering for your favorite team and players, wearing their jerseys and colors proudly. Unfortunately, your favorite team's record is shit and their roster doesn't have any impact players on it. When you're drafting and trading players, listen to your head and the experts. Your heart doesn't know what it wants.

Visualize Your Next Move

While watching all the games on all your screens, keep an eye out for impact players who are not currently on your roster. If they become free agents before next week, keep them in mind for potential additions or trade rapes.

Waiver Wire

The Waiver Wire is a system that helps distribute available free agents to the teams pursuing them, preventing a first-come, first-served situation where owners are fighting over grown men like a bunch of children. By claiming a waiver, the player will go to the team that needs him most.

X-Factor

The Special One. The player that is your team's most prized possession. He is the one that will lead you to sweet, sweet victory.

Year Long

January might be the end of this Fantasy Football season, but it's the beginning of the next. College Bowl Games, Super Bowl, NFL Draft, training camp. There are a plethora of events showcasing upcoming talent. The eight months of preparation for the four months of play is the most committed relationship some of us will ever have.

ZzzZZzzZZzzz

Sleepers are players with little names, but big potential. Draft a sleeper and and he could be the X-Factor your roster needs to dominate the competition. Or not. It's always a gamble.

*Does not account for off-field misconduct.