Mark Clattenburg Gets Champions League Tattoo, Realises His Truest Self

When we watch a game being refereed by Mark Clattenburg, it is hard not to feel that he's holding something back. Like all good referees, he must adopt an air of complete authority on matchday, affecting a persona which allows him to keep control of proceedings. Over the course of 90 minutes, he has to deal with monumental egos, split-second decisions and the permanent throb of his own adrenaline, all of which require him to maintain a certain imperious veneer.

That said, there's something not quite right with Clattenburg. Beneath his supercilious exterior, his true self is trying to claw its way out.

While Clattenburg does a respectable job of keeping up appearances, he cannot fully repress his alter ego. It manifests itself in his lacquered hair, his lovingly sculpted quiff, his 'banter' with the players and the occasional outburst of spontaneous weirdness, such as that time when he flicked his tongue like a monstrous human reptile in response to a particularly bad dive from Pepe. That was during this year's Champions League final, most of which Clattenburg refereed in his usual, haughty fashion.

Unfortunately, towards the end of the game, his mask slipped. His darting, quivering tongue tore a hole through the referee's facade, through which his inner psyche has now burst forth.

Half man, half lizard.#CelebrityRefs (via @Frannysmith6) pic.twitter.com/5eQ4Rh2zHn
— Celebrity Refs (@CelebrityRefs) May 28, 2016

Within Mark Clattenburg, there is a man on a permanent lads' holiday. Within Mark Clattenburg, there is a thirtysomething bank clerk on a boat party in 'Beefa, dancing shirtless to the music of Calvin Harris while pouring blue WKD over his head and screaming "'HOWAY MAN, I'M OFF ME CHEBS!" Mark Clattenburg's inner self is the last lad home from a massive night out at Pascha, the one who comes barrelling into the hotel room at eight in the morning shouting "BOYS, ME MAM'S GONNA GO AKKA!" while proudly displaying his new tattoo of the Champions League trophy.

Except, Mark Clattenburg has actually touched the Champions League trophy, and refereed the game which decided this year's winner. His Champions League tattoo is more than just a mindless act of body modification. It is testament to his presence at the final, evidence that – look, lads! – he was, in fact, there.

Here is Mark Clattenburg, showing off his Champions League trophy tat. His inner lad has finally escaped, and instantly got the equivalent of a 'Champions League's best ref, 2k16' tattoo. Not only that, he also appears to have got the Euro 2016 logo inked onto himself, in commemoration of the other major final he refereed this summer. He has literally asked for an exact replica of the logo, even down to the detail of the ™.

Mark Clattenburg is the ™ Euro 2016 final referee at this point. He is the ™ Champions League officiator, the ™ best referee on earth. Picture him now, charging about 'Beefa, showing off his ™ refereeing tattoos and flicking his tongue out at everyone he meets. Picture him now, posing for selfies, knocking back Grey Goose with a 10-man Mancunian touring party while bellowing: "I AM PROPERLY THE BEST ™ REFEREE IN THE FUCKIN' WORLD!"

In getting his own ™ refereeing tattoos, Mark Clattenburg has realised his truest self. He no longer needs to maintain a facade of authority, or try to be something he's not on the football pitch. He can do tequila slammers before matches, blast David Guetta's 'Greatest Hits' from the referee's dressing room and wear his favourite bucket hat while officiating. Next time Pepe takes a tumble in front of him, he can stare him in the eye, send his tongue quivering through the air, lean down and whisper: "Howay, man, I am properly the best ™ referee in the world."

@W_F_Magee