Life

Fingering Advice For Men, From Lesbians

This article is in honour of all the cis male hands that have disappointed me.
KC
illustrated by Kim Cowie
Fingers and fruit illustration

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

As a bisexual woman, I’ve always found that the best fingering comes from queer encounters rather than a ham fisted hetero session. I’ve found myself at times looking to the heavens, praying for a finger blasting bible that will right all wrongs and stop my flaps being scratched up like an activity post for cats.

My mother always told me "if you want something done right, do it yourself". I don’t think she meant getting off – even though I am really good at it – but in this case, I took the tip to mean "make a graphic guide to fingering that she will refuse to read, but be proud that it was published anyway", so I reached out to a few lesbians to get some certifiably solid advice on how to finger someone.

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The overwhelming consensus was that, just as every sperm is sacred, every vagina – or asshole (let’s not forget the back entrance) – is different. So what works for one person might be uncomfortable or painful for another. As with all great shags, communication and consent are the best way to please your partner. That said, there are a few practical steps everyone can take towards ensuring a successful fingering.

The first, and possibly most vital, tip is: preparation. Don’t worry, you don’t have to do any finger lunges or anything like that, just employ a bit of common sense, i.e. TRIM YOUR FUCKING NAILS!! Who among us has not experienced a lanced labia caused, mainly, by the kind of man that wears sandals all year round and records covers of The Prodigy on an acoustic guitar that has a rope of yarn for a strap. But Miranda, 26, promises this is not a male exclusive problem. “I have been scratched up by some long nailed femmes,” she tells me. “Nothing kills the vibe more than you Edward Scissorhands-ing my pussy.”

As a long nailed femme who has been nailed by her fair share of femmes myself, I would also suggest investing in some latex gloves. As well as being a great protective barrier for fingering and fisting, using gloves in the bedroom means you don’t have to give up getting acrylics.

One of the worst feelings in the whole world is inserting or removing a dry tampon. The same can be said of getting fingered. If the passage is not wet, avoid putting anything in – but a drought at the watering hole doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner isn’t having fun. If you’re sure that they are, and you’re sure they want your digits inside of them, reach for the lube before sliding a finger in.

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On that note, the second big tip is to catch yourself on to the many varieties of lube available, and make sure you pick the best product for your play. Different lubes have different bases and suit different needs. While a silicone lube might be better for your ass, they should not be used with most sex toys (as they will break down the fantastic plastic of your Rampant Rabbit). If you’re playing exclusively with a pussy, a water based lubricant is perfect for maintaining pH balance and treating vaginal dryness.

It’s also crucial to note that penetration is not solely what fingering should be about. Charlotte, 27, goes as far as to suggest that “fingering should not be the same as penetration”, and that the only time she did get fingered by a cis man he made the mistake of “going about it like that's what he'd be doing with his dick if I'd have let him.” Less delicately, Miranda described her experience of a male technique as being basically a “finger stabbing.”

For a lot of cis women – including myself – a simple finger blasting isn’t enough to get off on. Only around 25 percent of penetrative vaginal sex leads to orgasm, so to give your girl a wide-on I’d thoroughly recommend reaching for the clit (GENTLY). That said, it’s also been argued that a vaginal orgasm is the same as a clitoral one, so perfecting your pinky punch under the hood as well as in the love tunnel comes at an equal importance. Luckily, our lesbians have all angles covered.

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Alex – my literal ex-girlfriend – honed in on some specific advice for slipping a finger in. “You always want to aim for the g spot (that little peach pit bit a couple of inches back and up from the entrance of the vagina) or, if you’re trying to replicate being fucked with something larger than fingers,” she advises, “press downwards while you’re moving in and out.”

However, as anyone who watched series two of Sex Education will know, a formula for fingering won’t always work in your favour. When Otis tells Ruthie, the resident lesbian on Sex Education, about his clockwork method for fingering, she laughs at him. Alex, one of the resident lesbians for this article, agreed: “The worst mistake you can make is going in with a set routine and thinking that’ll get me off. As fake deep and cringey as it sounds, you’ve really gotta listen to the person’s body and work out what they respond positively to.”

Amelie, 22, gives similar advice. “Don’t take one sign and run with it. Just because I moaned once does not mean you should repeat that action aggressively till I cum,” they say. “Fingering is all in the variation! And that twisty/flicky/jabby movement you did that one time was definitely fun, but it only stays fun when sprinkled in with your other moves.”

Going with the motion of the ocean has repeatedly been brought up as a key skill for fingering here, but having a few tricks up your sleeve can be the difference between fondling a flap aimlessly and making them squirt up the wall. For a guy that’s used to wanking himself off, Alex advises that you “think of the clit as a mini penis, and interact with it like that.”

“While you only really see the top bit, don’t stop there,” he continues. “Mix rubbing or stroking the clit with rolling it gently in between the tips of your fingers. That way you’re stimulating more surface area. You can kind of jerk it off by grabbing and massaging the labia surrounding it.”

Armed with a veritable bounty of fingering knowledge, it feels apt to end this piece on a romantic note. Amelie advised me that, out of all their sexual experiences, the best time they passed second base wasn’t down to the techniques but the atmosphere it happened in.

“My best experience with fingering funnily didn’t involve a whole lot of fingering,” they explain. “She laid me down, and pushed her fingers inside of me slowly, which was hot obviously – but the rest was mainly the teasing that surrounded it, the eye contact, the whispering in my ear. It made it so much hotter and made me feel even more excited when I finally did get to feel her there. Sometimes, the best thing about fingering is everything but.”

@GlNATONIC