Life

The Exquisite Mess of Being a 20-Something, in Photos

Flo Verhulst

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

There’s no such thing as the average 20-something, but there are a few experiences you’re likely to go through as a young adult: love and heartbreak, friendship and its loss, loneliness, and that seemingly endless quest to figure out who you really are. All these things can be found in the work of photographer Floor Verhulst, 24, who goes by Flo.

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Flo is studying photography at the Willem de Kooning Academy in Rotterdam. For the past six years, they’ve been capturing all these themes in self-portraits, focusing on – among other things – their non-binary identity, the therapeutic value of artistic expression and how they take care of themselves in solitude. We spoke to them about their work and inspiration.

Flo Verhulst – image of a young person in fetal position surrounded by blankets, lit by a red light
“Womb.” Photo: Flo Verhulst

VICE: Your work is all self portraits. Why? Flo: When I have a camera in my hands and I set it up in front of me, I can’t help but be honest. I shoot analog, too, so all the photos that come out of the process reflect reality.

I grew up as an only child, and I was quite good at entertaining myself and getting lost in my own dream world. I was always reserved, and I noticed people often got the impression that I didn’t really think things through. Photography is a way to capture myself and document how I experience the world and the people around me. It’s become a means of expression and, at the same time, a mirror.

Flo Verhulst – young person with shaggy ginger hair, a funky patterned suit and doc martens, sitting on the stairs in front of an apartment building with three sunflowers in their hand.
Untitled, from “(Re)visiting”, part I: remember (2020). “This photo is about finding yourself after heartbreak by re-visiting places where you formed memories [with your ex], in this case their former apartment, where I often stood outside with flowers.” Photo: Flo Verhulst

**I’ve noticed an evolution of your self-image in your work. Can you tell me more about that?
**A few years ago, a photographer asked me to be part of his series about non-binary people. He also liked analog photos, so I thought, ‘Great!’

The shoot itself went quite smoothly, but I noticed that, as a cis-het man, he had a certain idea of what it means to be non-binary. For him, non-binary people had to look a certain way. During the shoot, he asked me if I planned to remove my breasts, if my partner minded that I’m non-binary, and when I was going to start transitioning – things that, for me, aren’t necessarily related to the non-binary identity.

In the end, he sent me a print by mail and it was a beautiful photo in itself, but I looked so somber. He’d photographed me in bed, after completely emptying my room, removing my photos from the wall and putting white sheets on my bed. When I saw the photo, it felt like I’d been stripped of everything that made me me. The only thing left was that I was non-binary. In response to that, I created my own series.

Flo Verhulst - collage of three pictures of the same person standing under birthday decorations on a white wall. They wear a different outfit on each photo
From the series “The Embodiment of Freedom” (2021), a series about “my gender expression and how appearances say nothing about your gender”. Photo: Flo Verhulst

**How did you do that?
**First, I took photos of myself in the same pose, with the same light, but in different outfits that express my personality – with my busy duvet and photos on the wall. I also took photos with my partner, Lee, who I was going through a somewhat challenging period with.

**These pictures feel so much more about you.
**Yes, exactly. I thought at the time that the photographer photographed people just because of their androgyny. But what do androgynous people look like then?

For a long time, I pursued that image myself. I was very concerned with how my gender identity came across to other people. But now, I’ve let go of that. Gender identity and self-expression are still very important to me, but I feel much more comfortable with who I am now. I went to the exhibition of this work in heels and a suit.

Flo Verhulst – two young people lying naked in bed, flo above the blankets, their partner underneath. flo is resting their head on their partner's belly.
“All About Love”, a self-portrait with Lee in bed, from the series “The Embodiment of Freedom” (2021). Photo: Flo Verhulst

Can you tell me more about your series (Re)visiting**?
**At that time, I was going through intense heartbreak over Lee. I was genuinely in love for the first time, and the breakup was hard. We didn’t see each other for three months, so I created a photo series about it.

(Re)visiting consists of three chapters. In the first chapter, I photographed myself in places we often went together. I wondered who I was as a person now, without Lee, in those places. In the second chapter, I photographed various objects that remind me of them, including our love letters. And in the third chapter, I photographed myself in places we would’ve gone together. That project taught me a lot about what I want to do with my photos.

Flo Verhulst – young person sitting on a pier looking sadly to the ground. In the background: water and a few boats
Untitled, from “(Re)visiting”, Part I: Remember (2020). “This is the place of our very first date.” Photo: Flo Verhulst

**In what way?
**It was the first time I dared to be so vulnerable. I had to show this work at school – I projected the photos as slides accompanied by music. Of the 20 people I invited, five walked away crying. That’s when I realised that being honest about your own feelings can touch other people, too. The more honest you are, the closer you’ll get to others. It felt therapeutic to expose myself in this way.

Lee and I are back together now, which is why I created the series (Re)union. We spent five weeks together in the middle of nowhere in Sardinia, where their mother originally comes from. It was our first vacation together. I took these photos in the last three days of the trip, but I don’t know if I’m really satisfied. I love Lee, our relationship is so special, so it’s important to me that I do justice to them with these photos.

Flo Verhulst – two young people in matching black swimming sets, lying on top of a rock in the sea facing opposite ways with their legs interlaced
“Lovers Rock”, from the series “(Re)union” (2021). Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst – two young people sitting face to face with their legs embracing on top of a roof. One of them is wearing a corset top and a skirt, the other a white shirt, shorts and long socks. Background: countryside
“Sunset”, from the “(Re)union” series (2021). Photo: Flo Verhulst

**Are there downsides to being so personal in your work?
**Yes, it’s often a bit painful – sadness inspires me a lot. My latest work, At Home With Myself, is a project about self-care. I always feel like I should take better care of myself, and I actively work on it every day. But this also creates immense pressure. With these photos, I wanted to explore how I can redefine self-care. For example, I love spending an entire day doing nothing and watching random documentaries on YouTube – that, for me, can be rejuvenating.

**Relatable.
**I don’t want to feel guilty about the fact that sometimes, I just want to do nothing. That’s one of the ways for me to process old trauma. I had a good upbringing, but both my parents went through a lot, and that left its marks on me, too. With my photo series, I want to show that processing trauma and self-care can also look like this.

Flo Verhulst – three young peoplesitting a table full of stuff, wearing party hats and clown makeup with decorations everywhere in the background. In the middle, flo is eating cake
“It’s My Party and I’ll Pie if I Want to” is about loneliness, but also about the cosiness of a small circle of friends, from the series “At Home With Myself” (2022). Photo: Flo Verhulst

**Not so glamorous?
**Exactly. I want to show that being very sad and messy sometimes helps. I was quite lonely when I took this photo [It’s My Party And I’ll Pie if I Want to]. I was only really close with my partner and roommate. I actually took it together with them on my birthday.

In another photo, I’m surrounded by my stuffed animals. Someone once said that it’s a real red flag if someone in their 20s still sleeps with stuffed animals. But they’re sacred to me – they heal my inner child.

In another photo, I portrayed myself as a messy housewife. I wasn’t going to school much at that time – I’d wake up around noon every day, do some cleaning, and cook for my partner. I actually loved that, it allowed me to reset my life for a while.

These are all forms of self-care for me. I was very gentle with myself, and it really helped.

Scroll down to see more photos:

Flo Verhulst – young person wearing a Y2K inspired top, underwear and socks and sitting on a bed, surrounded by stuffed animals floating in the air. Background: a blue tie-dye sheet
“For My Dreams Only”, about being an adult and still sleeping with stuffed animals, from the series “At Home With Myself” (2022). Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst – young person in pijamas and an elaborate hairdo, sitting on a purple couch with various objects, smoking a cigarette and looking deadpan at camera
“Happy Wife Happy Life”, about finding joy and peace in staying home, from the series “at home with myself” (2022). Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst - black and white self portrait of a naked person wearing socks, sitting on a blanket holding a mic and a stuffed animal
Untitled. Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst - photo of two people holding hands in a sunny wheat field with a mountain in the background. One is ginger and wears a white shirt with black skirt, the other has dark, curly har, a brown skirt and a white bra
“To Each Their Own”, from the series “(Re)union” (2021). Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst - photo of a ginger person standing on sand dunes with tall grass. They wear black pants and a white and blue shirt.
Untitled, part of the series “(Re)visiting”, Part III: Visiting (2020). “This photo is about healing after heartbreak by visiting places you would’ve liked to visit together, but on your own.” Photo: Flo Verhulst
Flo Verhulst – young person wearing a black crop top, cuffed jeans and checkered vans slouching on a desk chair with their arms crossed above their head and looking into the distance
From the series “About Confidence” (2019), a piece about Flo accepting themselves as non-binary. “This is also one of my first self-portraits,” says Flo. Photo: Flo Verhulst