So, in case you didn’t know, we hit up Glastonbury – the biggest music festival in the world – this weekend. We’re almost finished banging on about it now but here’s a few more things we can remember by piecing together photographs and things on our phones:
The Black Butter Party Was Great
We stumbled into this guy at Love Bullets – a small club in Shangri-Hell named because the walls are made out of recycled shotgun shells. I don’t really remember what happened. But here are two key facts:
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– This guy had become terminally bewildered his portable water device.
– Someone behind the decks dropped a new song by SOPHIE. I’ve pieced two separate conversations together and – EXCLUSIVE! – SOPHIE has a song called “Lemonade” featuring PC Music’s Hannah Diamond.
The celebrities named their little VIP winnebago compound “Prang-tanamo Bay”
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But we mostly bumped into the least-famous people in existence
Climbing inside Arcadia is fucking terrifying
At 2am Saturday night we decided it would be a good idea to get inside the giant fire-breathing spider in the middle of Arcadia. As balls of fire exploded in every direction around us, Seth Troxler tried his best to DJ while we took pictures of his head.
The Hospitality Wristbands Look Like They’re From a Super-Club in Space
Our favourite part about Glastonbury is the wristband. Sure, the entire weekend will be spent doing things that are infinitely more exciting than the partnering of coloured threads on a piece of patterned cotton, but that’s a given. What we don’t know – at least until we arrive – is what the wristband will look like. It could be bright pink with blue sparkles, black with a tapestry of red lions fornicating around the edge, or pure white with the word Glastonbury embossed in gold lettering.
This year was incredibly exciting – the wristbands resembled some sort of entry mechanism for a super-club in a far-away galactic system rather than a field in Somerset. It made me feel cojoined to the future – sort of like how We felt when we first saw an iPod but with a textile that some people will leave on their body for the next five years, happily drooping it in their cereal.
A Boutique in Shangri-La Had a Wall Made of Vaginas
Shangri-La is full of places that fascinate the sort of people that used to get turned on by the sex, puberty, and reproduction section in GCSE science books.
Dolly Parton made everyone blub
Not since they showed the Adele concert on New Year’s Day has the collective comedown of thousands been so easily taken advantage of. While most people were expecting some kistch fun in the slot previously held by Neil Diamond and Tony Christie – people weren’t ready for the emotional gospel notes of “Banks Of The Ohio” and “I Will Always Love You”. Ket-strewn tears were on every face in the Pyramid stage.
A guy backstage had the best mobility scooter ever
And, sensing that everyone knew he had the best mobility scooter in the world, he refused to leave until we had all had a ride.
