Good News, The NFL Beat is Already Hammered for St. Patrick’s Day

Chris Borland, a 24-year-old linebacker for the San Francisco 49ers, announced he was retiring from the NFL because he no longer felt it was a good move to risk his own personal well-being for our own entertainment. Borland, who says he’s been diagnosed with at least two concussions, said he just wanted what’s best for his health and informed the 49ers of his decision on Friday.

“I feel largely the same, as sharp as I’ve ever been. For me, it’s wanting to be proactive,” Borland said. “I’m concerned that if you wait ’til you have symptoms, it’s too late. … There are a lot of unknowns. I can’t claim that X will happen. I just want to live a long, healthy life, and I don’t want to have any neurological diseases or die younger than I would otherwise.”

This is one of the least insane things a football player has ever said or done, so naturally the media who cover the league have lost their fucking minds. Or maybe they started knocking back Jameson early today. First we have Mike Florio whose view of the American Worker is closer to The Eliminator on American Gladiators than desk jockeys punching in and out everyday.

Mike Florio, you fucking idiot. First of all, the first three are not even occupations. Those are just stupid things people do that may result in several injuries, including head trauma. High School, college, and professional motorcycle teams aren’t out there telling kids they can earn a living riding a motorcycle without a helmet. What are you even talking about, man? Chris Borland just doesn’t want to be a drooling puddle of flesh and bones when he’s 50, no need to start humping the to serve and protect crowd and weekend warriors.

God, just shut up, Pete.

And then we have Adam Schefter, who is not so much a human being, but an extension of the internet. His blood courses with information that must be relayed.

Oh, that’s right. What were we thinking. The NFL is a fucking awesome place to work, what with its fully guaranteed contracts, no risk at all of losing your job should you be injured, which is, like, not even an issue really, because no one ever gets hurt, and, oh man, It’s like being a teacher. You just work 17 weeks out of the year, and never have to do anything in the offseason. You can just let yourself get fat and slow every year and then just come into training camp to get in shape—that’s what it’s there for! The best, though, is once you retire after making all that not-imaginary-at-all money, you just sit back and chill out for the rest of your life and definitely don’t point a shotgun at your chest because you just can’t fucking take what’s going on inside your brain anymore.

My friend the lawyer works 80 hours a week and makes a fraction of what these guys make and would swap places in a heartbeat.