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Vice Blog

Suburban Mall Trash - Dear Vice

Hey Vice!

It is yours truly again, Razzmatazz Pizazz.
Sorry this letter came shortly after my last one, because our manager Rio called, and it looks like we got our first gig! "Beauty Queen Terror Squad" is going to headline at a crappy gay bar in Hackenjack, NJ on Wed. night (it's usually 80's night) at "Feathers," it's off a Rt.4 in dirty Jersey. So if anyone is interested I need names so I can put you guys on the list! I hope it's not too far to make it from the city! Oh boy, some of you city people have it really good! While some people hate New York city, others…like our girl band, hate Suburbia! …

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Yes our gurl band is from ROCKland County, just 15 breathtaking minutes away from Manhattan over the George Washington Bridge by Fort Lee, NJ, but Rockland is in NY, (go figure you have to go through dirty Jersey to get back to NY and pay a $6 toll!) Rockland County is just a couple miles north on the Palisades Parkway it starts at exit 5 and goes to exit 14. ROCKland is a "suck the life right out of me HELLhole" in the MIDDLE of Suburbia white trash BumbleFUCK! Our claim to fame (and the only place to go) is the "Amazing Palisades Center Mall" the 3rd largest mall in the USA. Which is built on a landfill and is sinking. It has cracks in the floors, ceilings, and for some reason the 4th floor vibrates and rocks. You can feel it under your feet! No joke! I know because I worked at three of the corporate piece-of-shit restaurants there while I went to college, Outback Steakhouse, Macaroni Grill, and Fox Sports Grill! I will never ever work in that shithole ever again. It reminds me of Port Authority! To top it all off there is a godamn cemetery in the middle of the parking lot, and the county couldn't move the graves of these poor dead people, because they are too old and because of the law they had to build around it, because they can't trace any of their relatives! But let's not forget any of the wonderful summers by the Palisades Mall. Yes, when the weather reaches anywhere from 80 to 100 and it has in the last couple of weeks and will through the entire summer I'd say anywhere between about a 5 mile radius smells like shit and diarrhea, like as if every "port-a-potty" taken from the last 10 years of the "Warped Tour" at Randalls Island was combined into one big stink. It is absolutely HORRIFIC and even with closed windows and your AC pumping you can still smell it, driving through there on Route 303. And it makes you want to throw up all over yourself while driving and crash the car and die! And the icing on the cake to our lovely Palisades Mall! All the suicides. Yes, because people have jumped from the top floor to the bottom parking area and it's all concrete! I was working at Fox Sports Grill last year around this time when a 22 year old did.. I swear to god! It was in the ROCKland Journal News! And all the rapings, carjackings, gang fights, stabbings, and robberies that go on! This is not a lie, try not shop there as little as possible! I have lived here my whole life, but that hell hole was only erected about 6 or 7 years ago! Do you know how many times it has been evacuated because of terrorist threats (I worked there around 9/11) and people pulling the fire alarm all the time? (Besides it just goes off for no reason). They say the place is haunted because of the cemetery it is built on. Long pray someone blows it up one day! That place is horrible!

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Sincerely Yours-

Razzmatazz Pizazz