While girls are constantly running their gums about menstrual cramps this and breast cancer that and uterine prolapse, few of them understand the living hell that men around the world undergo every time they take a shit. Or maybe once every tenth or twentieth shit. I guess it depends. What we are talking about here is the condition Johnny Ryan calls "the infinity wipe," aka the brown crayon, aka that thing where it takes you almost an entire roll of toilet paper to get the shit off your ass and your girlfriend has already knocked twice and you are alternating between pleading with your asshole to give up the goods and squeezing your fists white in fury. What's up with that, right? We were so sick of being terrorized by our own buttholes that we called up a proctologist to get the straight poop on what's going on and what we can be done.Vice: Hi doctor. What's the deal with that thing where you just keep wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping but somehow, in defiance of all rational sense, there is still poo on the toilet paper every time you lift yourself slightly up from the bowl to take a look at your wad?
Dr. Gottesman: That's one of the more common problems people ask about. What's generally happening is instead of completely clearing the anal canal, pieces of stool get lodged inside or built up around the anus.OK, so it's not little bits of turd getting caught up in the butthair? That was one of my theories.
No, you would have to have a really excessive amount of hair for solid pieces of any size to get tangled in it. Feces can stain your anal hair though, which if you've had a really wet bowel movement could account for the lingering stool.Mudbutt, right. What about when it's just your average, solid deuce? Why would that be the source of so much grief?
That sounds like it might be an abbreviated bowel movement, where the external anal sphincter contracts before the movement is fully evacuated and traps a piece of feces at the base of the canal.But why is it such an ordeal to get rid of that last little piece of dook? Do you have to wait for more stool to come along and push it out?
No, the rectal muscles are able to force anything through the anus. The problem is when the outer sphincter is closed too tightly it doesn't matter how hard you push, the door is closed.Why would that happen?
It could be the result of any number of conditions: Lyme disease, Parkinson's, colorectal cancer, anal cancer, transit problems in the colon and rectum…Good god. Assuming we're talking about a young, reasonably healthy defecator here though, what would you pin it on?
Again, there's a range of possible reasons. The most likely cause is that the person isn't getting enough water in their diet, which is leading to overly dry, brittle stool. If that isn't the case, it could be a general inability to relax the sphincter muscle which could be related to nerve problems or psychological issues.All right, now the important question: What can be done?
Well if it's an inability to relax the anus, you could try biofeedback therapy to teach the muscle to do what you want. You go to a specialist and they use equipment to monitor what your body is doing when you're trying to use the bathroom, and then you practice loosening your anus until you eventually get it under control.So it's basically adult potty training.
Pretty much.Great.Photo of the interviewer's leg. "For a second I thought I'd let somebody make my leg straight-edge the night before, but evidently I just sleep like a toddler."
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Dr. Gottesman: That's one of the more common problems people ask about. What's generally happening is instead of completely clearing the anal canal, pieces of stool get lodged inside or built up around the anus.OK, so it's not little bits of turd getting caught up in the butthair? That was one of my theories.
No, you would have to have a really excessive amount of hair for solid pieces of any size to get tangled in it. Feces can stain your anal hair though, which if you've had a really wet bowel movement could account for the lingering stool.Mudbutt, right. What about when it's just your average, solid deuce? Why would that be the source of so much grief?
That sounds like it might be an abbreviated bowel movement, where the external anal sphincter contracts before the movement is fully evacuated and traps a piece of feces at the base of the canal.But why is it such an ordeal to get rid of that last little piece of dook? Do you have to wait for more stool to come along and push it out?
No, the rectal muscles are able to force anything through the anus. The problem is when the outer sphincter is closed too tightly it doesn't matter how hard you push, the door is closed.
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It could be the result of any number of conditions: Lyme disease, Parkinson's, colorectal cancer, anal cancer, transit problems in the colon and rectum…Good god. Assuming we're talking about a young, reasonably healthy defecator here though, what would you pin it on?
Again, there's a range of possible reasons. The most likely cause is that the person isn't getting enough water in their diet, which is leading to overly dry, brittle stool. If that isn't the case, it could be a general inability to relax the sphincter muscle which could be related to nerve problems or psychological issues.All right, now the important question: What can be done?
Well if it's an inability to relax the anus, you could try biofeedback therapy to teach the muscle to do what you want. You go to a specialist and they use equipment to monitor what your body is doing when you're trying to use the bathroom, and then you practice loosening your anus until you eventually get it under control.So it's basically adult potty training.
Pretty much.Great.Photo of the interviewer's leg. "For a second I thought I'd let somebody make my leg straight-edge the night before, but evidently I just sleep like a toddler."