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Vice Blog

SÃO PAULO - VICE EM PORTUGUÊS

You probably noticed that Brazilian motorboarding ass that brings home its own bacon over on

VBS today

, but did you know that we recently opened an office up over there too? (We're celebrating that with a Brazil Issue, which it comes out in a couple weeks but we'll start leaking stories online on Monday.) And though São Paulo is a famously safe and secure small town kind of city where neighbors are trustworthy folk who're always looking out for you, we figured it'd be best to install some locks, just in case. Editor Artur Tavares went down the street to the local locksmiths, where he met a smiley guy with a lot of stories to tell …

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Vice: Hi José Carlos. Tell us the most bizarre thing that ever happened to you while you were working.

José Carlos:

The most bizarre thing that every happened was when a homo tried to grab me from behind wearing only a thong. It was a hot afternoon in 1993. He started talking, flirting a little too. That's fine, I have no problem with homos. I went to install a lock in his house and he said that he never played with boys when he was a kid. I said that he was probably unhappy then. Then he told me that he was born Jewish in Bom Retiro [an old and decadent neighborhood in São Paulo], and that he was gay.

"It's hot. Don't you want to take off your shirt?" he asked me a little later. "No, 'cause I don't even take my shirt off at my own house," I answered. Soon he asked me if my dick was big, because I'm black. I didn't want to continue talking, then said that it's all urban myth shit. He didn't talk much more, but later asked me to show my "little clown" to him. I said, "No, my clown only shows up for one stage, and the circus owner is a very angry person." I went back to my work while he disappeared. Then, I really don't know what happened, I looked to my arm and there was four of it. "I'm no Indian God," I thought to myself, freaking out. He grabbed me and I, with no actual reaction, gave him two hammer blows without looking behind me.

Shit. Did it hurt

?

Hurt a lot. One of the blows hit his cheek, the other hit his eyebrow. He fell to the ground. He begged me to not hit him, but until today I wonder if he wasn't a masochist. That was when I noticed that he was only wearing a thong. I put him in a chair, he recognized that what he did was wrong, and I just finished my job. I saw the guy on the street for the next two or three years, but then he disappeared.

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And what about sex perverts?

I did a job for a voyeur couple. The guy answered the door wearing only a towel. He pointed me to the door for which I was supposed to install the lock. The door of his room was in front of my door, and inside of it there was a beautiful girl who kept smiling at me. Moments later, they started fucking.

You could see them fucking?

I was in front of them. I tried not to look, but it was inevitable. And the girl kept smiling, doing 1,001 different positions, screaming while he hit her ass. I finished the job and he paid me right then, naked.

Did any woman hit on you, or just the gays?

Happened some times.

Did they show up naked in front of you?

No, no. Not naked. Fuck, I can`t tell you this.

Of course you can…

They usually… the housewives usually hit on me when I finish the job, especially when I ask them to try the new keys on the door. There was this lady who told me she couldn`t do it. She made me grab her hand and teach her how to make the key work. She started to put her ass in my dick. I kept trying to hold back, but she didn`t let me.

Has anyone asked you to install, I don`t know, ten locks on the same door?

Once. He was a drug dealer.

He told you he was a drug dealer?

No. He asked me to install three huge deadbolts on his front door. With one of these, even the firemen have a hard time opening a door. I found that pretty strange, but since I didn't know what kind of door it was, I didn't say anything. He already had five different locks in the door. While I was doing the job, I needed to use the bathroom. I asked and he became scared, insisting that I not use it. But no way, man. It was a long job, I couldn`t handle my piss.

His apartment had only the carpet on the floor, two couches, two notepads, two ashtrays, two phones, and a whisky bottle. But the bathroom was the thing. There was two locks on the door and when he opened it, it smelled like ether and acetone. There were bricks of drugs from the floor to the roof. The only thing he could said was, "Hey, don't look at anything." At the time, the service cost him [something like $280]. He gave me [the equivalent of $350] as a shut-up notice, something a Brazilian is already used to.

ARTUR TAVARES