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MEET THE NIERATKOS - LONNIE INVASION


Sunday we took my wife's retarded Uncle Lonnie to see a 60s cover band called The British Invasion Tribute Band at our local community center. Lonnie—or Lonald, as I often call him, or Lon Da Milan or Lonzie or Lonnie Bonnie Bo Bonnie—is a H-U-G-E Beatles fan. He knows every word to every song from every album. The Beatles are his shit. He's kind of like the retarded version of John Cusack in High Fidelity.

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For you music nerds, Lonzie is a purist—strictly vinyl. He has like seven copies of certain albums because he just mangles them to shit. When he plays them on his victrola (the only word he'll use for his record player) he scratches the shit out of them like a hip-hop DJ. The best is if you call his name for dinner and he's in the middle of a song he has to heavy-handedly grab the needle (SCRATCH!) then place it at the end of the song (SCRATCH!) so he could listen to the last few notes and then and only then will he take the needle off (SCRATCH!). He then has to put all his records away, then put the victrola in the closet. Not until everything is in its place will Lonnie come and eat. Which is really bizarre because LONNIE LOVES FOOD and any other time you yell to Lonnie that there's food he comes running. It's the only exercise he gets.

Rather than describe Lonnie's reaction to the music on Sunday I figured I'd just show you. I thought the poor guy's head was going to snap clean off.

BENNY THE FUNNY DOG

Remember I told you last week that my dog Benny has been getting really into old Seinfeld episodes? Here's his latest: "Ok, who likes eating cat poop? Raise your hands. What's up with cat poop? How can an animal poop taste so delicious?" 

CHRIS NIERATKO