Karl Lagerfeld's Feet Smell Like Bubblegum

A weekly roundup of anything fashion-related that's made us excited about having bodies that we can dress with clothes.

FASHION FOR SWOTS

We like the Le-Tans. Cleo made a film for VICE last year where she went and spoke to suburban French rudeboys about music, which was awesome, and her sister Olympia is a bona fide Parisien it-girl fashion designer. For her collection this season, Olympia seems to have been largely influenced by lederhosen, but don't let that put you off, the classic embroidered bags she's known for, and which have been seen on everyone you'd expect to see them on (I'm talking about Chloe Sevigny, btw) were dangling from the arms of every single model.

Her bags, which are book-sized, and embroidered with the covers of her favourite novels, are basically a one-track way of deciding who you should go shopping with. If somebody has one, they either have amazing taste and loads of money (bonus, if shopping), have amazing taste and qualify as a "fashion muse" so they get gifted shit all the time, or they have amazing taste and are a skilled shoplifter. Like I said, ideal for shopping with.

KARL X SCENTED SHOES

Ah, the smelly shoes. Chances are you've owned, or known somebody who's owned a pair of Melissa shoes before. You always know, because one corner of their bedroom reeks of bubblegum. Melissa are a Brazilian brand who make recyclable shoes from plastic. They're super ethical, super comfortable and consistently collaborate with fashion icons including Westwood, Gareth Pugh, Jason Wu and now fashion's craziest uncle Karl Lagerfeld. Freakin love you Karl.

The collection with KL, which is the first of four capsule collections, will be released in March, and although no official images other than the above sketches have been released, chances are they're going to be the shoes I've been waiting for my whole life. Unfortunately I refuse to wear colour on my feet, so the blue ones are out, but a pair of super pointy black rubber shoes designed by Karl Lagerfeld, that smell like candy? Erm, hello.

MEAT A/W 2013

VICE firm favourite, MEAT Clothing, have released their A/W13 lookbook "Believe" in video form. Produced by LOGO and Just Jam, the video premiered on Dont Watch That's YouTube channel, the soundtrack acting as an exlusive mix from Total Freedom.

Okay I know, that's a lot of names and you're lazy. Listen, if you're going to read these tidbits and pretend to be interested in fashion then you need to do your research. How many times do I have to tell you Shit Fashion Girls Say is no more idiosyncratic or controversial than David Cameron appearing in the Red Nose Day One Direction music video? Start being cool, stop liking lame shit.

Wear MEAT clothing and dance awkwardly like a SIMS avatar. Use caps lock a lot, and drop names that most people won't recognise. Only then can you be in my gang, K?

ETAM :-(

Oh, sigh, I’m nostalgic for the days when just making it down the runway without falling on your face was good enough. In 2012 Victoria's Secret changed the whole catwalk game by bringing in Rihanna, Justin Bieber and Bruno Mars to perform during their show. IDK, maybe miming along to the beat of Miranda Kerr’s steps was kind of cool. We got to see how short Bieber is IRL, which is really important. Still, it felt a bit like fashion had died.

So, now it’s 2013 and Etam, the French lingerie company who more importantly used to own Tammy (right?) followed suit for the second year running. I guess it's a bit of a fashion-off, except these are two innately unfashionable companies each trying to outdo the other by proving they have more money and better PR contacts. Ew. What did the audience expect walking in to that huge venue in Paris, I wonder. Charles De Gaulle resurrected from the dead, playing electric guitar?

Unfortunately not. There was Rita Ora where Rihanna should have been, and Lily Allen in place of Justin Bieber. Come on. At the Victoria's Secret show the models probably took coke off each other’s glittering breasts backstage. Here's betting that at Etam they were sent home with £150 and a free pair of knickers. Fail.

Previously – Prada, Prada, Prada, Chicken Cottage